My parents are against family vacations now that we are grown, Opinions/insight wanted!

Any response that we can give you is just speculation. Here is my highly speculative possibility. Perhaps your parents find it difficult not to assume a parental role when you are all together. They may feel a certain responsibility for everyone and everyone's enjoyment. This could take away from their own enjoyment of the trip, so they try not to get into that situation.

Whatever their reasons, I think that you should be willing to spend time with them in a manner that is comfortable for them. Family is a wonderful treasure and even if you aren't going on trips together, it sounds like you are spending meaningful times together. I am glad that you all get along and want to be together!!!

Carol may be right.

Invite the parents to be part of the group for the family weekend, but respect their decision if they're no show's. It sounds as if they really don't desire to be that big a part in your lives.

If the parents are not wanting to spend time with their children and family, it's simply their loss.

You know, Adam, maybe your parents just have a better time with their friends and siblings. And since you mention it, you do come across as a bit needy. Get on with your life, find some friends to travel with and let your parents enjoy themselves. Adulthood is just around the corner.

It's impossible for us to know your family dynamics. Is it possible that although you are offering to pay your own way, they may feel the obligation to pay for you?

I agree that it is their loss, and you should make plans with your siblings to take a trip with or without your parents. It's too bad they are behaving this way. We took our younger daughter to Europe when she was 20 and we all had a great time. The only thing that would have made the trip better is if our older daughter had been able to go too.

Are you sure they're clear on what kind of eating/sleeping/transport arrangements you have in mind?

Many years ago, I offered to visit my parents when they were wintering in FL and they quickly said No F'ing Way --
when I later made it clear to them that I was not asking them to let me stay in their rental or feed me, they were embarrassed to say that they thought I was looking for a cheap way to get a FL getaway...

What Norma and Andrea said. I am the step-mom to 5 adult children with 5 spouses and 14 kids among them. I have been married to their dad/granddad for 27 years. I think it might be fun to go on a trip with 1 or 2 of the adult kids or maybe one couple, or maybe take one grandchild along. My husband, not so much.

There are so many reasons why, I don't know where to start. For us, they are closely related to why we live in AZ and those 5 families live in WA, UT and MA at the moment. As they got older, they did and do have their own lives. When many parents retire, they stay where their kids are, or worse, move to where their kids are. We were lucky that they were so scattered (back then, 2 in WA, 1 in UT, 1 in MA and 1 in HI) that we could pick our own place!

So, speaking as older parents (ages 69 and 66 right now), I can understand why your parents might enjoy traveling with someone other than their kids. To be perfectly honest, we aren't too hot on traveling with anyone else, relatives or friends.

What would you kids think of traveling together without your parents? Like they do sometimes with their siblings? That could be a trial run to see just how compatible you really are as travel companions.

Or how about organizing a trip where your parents don't have to put any effort into the planning or spend a penny and you all pay for it for them as a gift? Then there would be no issues around them or you expecting them to pay for things for the rest of you.

Not exactly the same thing, but the 5 families organized a camping trip to Zion National Park for spring break (oddly, all the GKs were off at the same time) one year. Each family was in charge of 1 lunch or dinner for everyone in the group while we were there. Each campsite was responsible for their own breakfast. It was freezing cold and at least us old folks had the presence of mind to bring mesquite firewood up from AZ for everyone. But we didn't do much of anything else. We were thrilled at their planning and effort and the fact that they chose a place everyone could get to easily, well maybe except our youngest daughter and family who had to come from Sicily where her husband was stationed.

We would never have turned that opportunity down.

P.S. Maybe you all get along really well because you don't spend a lot of time with each other. Just a thought.

I think your answer lies in the fact that they said they find it strange you want to do anything with them since you live in the same area they do yet, as you say, you don't bother to call them at all and see them twice a month. In the case of my husband and me, we are busy and independent too yet call parents daily and chat and visit in person several times a week or have them over or else meet to do things together. I bet you do that with your friends so why not parents? They seem to have resigned themselves to the fact that you are no longer close to them and they travel with people who are. It isn't so much neediness as it is selfishness. You want them to be available to you on demand when you want them but don't bother to call or stay involved except to go for a free meal twice a month. I have two brothers-in-law who did the same and they got the same results. Try showing some real interest in them and maybe things will change.

Instead of asking for the opinion of strangers who can't possibly know your family, how about sitting down with them and having a heart to heart conversation about this? That's probably the only way you can get closer to the truth and understanding their position, while expressing your care and concern.

Are you kids married? Another assumption I'm going to throw out if you are. There is a DIL or SIL they don't like...will never let you know that, and have no desire to vacation with them.

If you wanted to "spend time with them" why can't you do it at home?

There is something very bizarre about this post and I think it has nothing to do with travel

Since you have asked us as strangers to speculate (and that's all we can do, since as others have said, we don't know you, don't know your spouse, don't know if you have kids, don't know your personalities, don't know your parents or their personalities, don't know what it is like when you all 'do' get together, etc...........with all those disclaimers, I'll make some guesses:

1) Your parents have worked hard their entire lives...working and/or raising you and your siblings. They (maybe) have some peace in their lives, and it is more 'peaceful' to travel without all the family drama (that likely enters anytime the whole group gets together).

2) Do you know the meaning of 'vacation getaway'? Not only is it an opportunity to get away from one's normal location, but also all the day-to-days of that location. A chance to meet new people, experience new things, make new decisions, etc. If you all are along for the ride, it's just the same ole same ole, but in a different location.

3) With two people (or even four when the other couple traveled with them), they can be more spontaneous.....they can decide instantly to go to this French cafe or that one. With a large group of people (of various ages), it is harder to get a large table, decide if there is something on the menu that little Joey would like, or hope that son-in-law Steve does not over drink again.

They can also decide to get breakfast via room service without having to explain 'why they didn't want to meet the whole clan for breakfast, etc.
They can hop in a cab and go instantly to see a site, without having to collect everyone, their water bottles, etc.
There is no 'whining,' of 'I'm tired', 'I hate museums,' 'I'm hot/I'm cold,' 'gosh not more stairs,' etc, etc., etc.

4) Maybe they want a little romance....just a chance to have a quiet dinner, a quiet walk in a lovely village on a full moon night, or just a chance to say to each other, 'remember when.......' Maybe travel is their reward after all the years of helping the kids get thru school, doing laundry, playing referee, etc.

5) Maybe they want to do some things without your judgment.....go into a coffee shop in Amsterdam.....go into a public bath as the locals do, etc.

........................and I write that as someone who has no children and could not even imagine what it would be like to go on a trip with an entire family.

I see what appears to be 3 and 4 generations on vacation, sometimes with the brightly-colored Smith Family T-Shirt (so they can round up everyone in a crowd quickly), and I smile and often comment to them how wonderful it is to have such a lovely family and to be creating memories together. But, at the same time, I'm also glad I'm not herding the cats!!!

Take a note: It isn't always about YOU. Sometimes it's about THEM. Be glad they are healthy, happy, and independent. Hopefully they have raised you to be that way.

Many have said 'it's their loss' about your parents.........maybe....but maybe it is also their GAIN!!

Again, none of us has enough info to do more than speculate. A licensed therapist could help you more, if it is really bugging you............and it likely is since you have turned to us to help you.

May you find peace, acceptance, and happiness.

There are many who would likely be happy to 'trade' parents with you!!!!!

We haven't heard back from Adam, the OP. I hope he is able to deal with the frank responses and can now see things from his parents' point of view.

Great responses, thank you all :) I was overwhelmed by the amount of people willing to help and give me the benefit of their ideas and perspectives. I realize that this is all highly speculative, but I think that is the nature of anyone's perspective wand experience. Even if two people took the exact same trip, and had similar experiences one might see things totally differently and neither one is wrong.

I want to thank everyone for their wonderful ideas and insights. Especially Margaret, Carol and Norma. I suspect my mother would agree with you, that's part of why I wanted to ask you all for your thoughts. I think that like you, she has strong feelings about this, your perspectives were very helpful!

I agree with you three, while it's easy to feel rejected personally when people don't want to get together with the rest of the family, it's always the children's loss because you should be grateful to and respect your parents, and want them to be happy, it's not always about you and your personal feelings :)

Terri Lynn you are very right that I could try harder to show an interest. Agnes you are correct also! I will have a heart to heart with them as you suggest, but I wanted to make sure I was properly sensitive to their concerns I tend to be a bit biased towards my own feelings and opinions, and there really is no substitute for wisdom and experience in my life I try to take advantage of good people like yourself who are willing to give a young man the benefit of their thoughts, I am often surprised how much I learn this way (this time from all of you being no exception).

At any rate I posted this on several other forums but I think I got the most personal and thought provoking responses from this site. I want to also thank Andrea, David, avirosemail, Lulu and Lo for the insights and ideas which are going to be highly useful as the rest of the family and I move forward with any plans. Carpe Diem!

Good thread. Adam has insight.

Glad you came back, Adam, to tell us how you feel about the responses. Thank you.

See also this recent thread from a parent worried that her kids may soon outgrow traveling with her.

I enjoyed reading this whole thing and commend Adam for his thoughtful and appreciative acknowledgement of all the comments. As a parent of 3 grown and married children I would be thrilled if they were willing to use their precious and limited free time to travel with me. American daily life is so stressful for families ( and singles too I imagine) that to use the time and money for a travel splurge is a big opportunity cost, Just planning a holiday event bringing the whole group together at home seems nearly impossible so I doubt we could ever fulfill my husband's dream of renting a villa in Italy and having them all join us there. I hope you do have conversations with your family and friends about this topic and that your dreams come true. LS

I actually find myself on the opposite end of this spectrum. Maybe it's cultural. We are also adult kids of aging parents and in our circles it's usually the other way around; aging parents lamenting their adults kids not wanting to travel or do things with them. I can offer a host of reasons for why that is, and even though your case is the opposite, the reasons might still be the same. Echoing many of the other responses here, they might just want to do their own thing and not feel like being "parents." But like anything else, start off with small steps. I weekend trip, a staycation, etc.

Wow Linda your husbands dream vacation matches mine exactly from what you have described... I am going to go out on a limb and say that your husband has good taste ;) KC I think you are right when you say that the reasons would be the same and I can understand not wanting to take on the responsibility of parents on a vacation, I think that is definitely part of it. I will continue to work on myself and my relationships and in the meantime I am grateful for what I have and for fellow "travelers" in life like you that I meet along the way.