Traveling with or without a partner

Sandra,

Not knowing you personally, it would be hard to give advice. But, what I personally would do, is start with your husband. Talk it out, see if he is really against going, or maybe he just doesn't know enough about England. The first time I mentioned to my husband about going to Italy, I met with resistance. Then I started showing him videos, Rick Steves and youtube, of all different areas, and he changed his mind. We have now been 5 times and want to go back!

If he still doesn't want to go, look to your girlfriends. As far as the one that drinks too much, remember that this is your vacation and if you don't want her to go, and one of your other friends does, tell a white lie and say you only want one companion. Just a suggestion, of course:)

With your pen pal, talk to her, let her know you are coming, but don't put any expectations on her. She probably has a busy life with 3 kids and may be happy with just a visit or an outing with you. Or she may invite you to her home. Have a backup plan to have a hotel nearby in case she can't accommodate you.

Whatever you decide, relax, don't stress, and enjoy your trip!

First, the husband question. "I said I didn't want to push him into going somewhere he doesn't want to go. We kind of dropped the topic after that." Okay, have you ever gone places with him that you didn't really want to go? Such as hiking or camping? Marriage, or any relationship, is give-and-take or compromise, as we all know! If you promise to do some of his favorite activities with him, he should be willing to go to England with you.

There are some great hiking trails in England. I have a book called "Walking In Britain". Maybe if you gave him that book for a Christmas present, after he read it, he would be begging to go. There are even great camping spots, and "glamping", which is the newest thing. Glamorous camping, in tents, with real beds.

Second question. The traveling companion. Or companions. How about taking both of the women that you said you would consider? The one you don't want to take, just tell her you will not have time for fine dinners and drinks this trip, you will be moving around on a quick schedule, and she would not like the trip you have planned. No time for drinking and/or partying. Be firm. It's your trip, after all. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT relent and take a traveling companion that's going to ruin your trip!

Third subject: going by yourself. As you have done it before, I would say this is an option. I don't know you personally, so I don't know whether you would get lonely or not. I never get lonely. If I am going somewhere solo, I am overjoyed to do what I want without having to negotiate with another person every day, or agree on everything. That can be stressful on a trip.

Consider signing up for one of the Rick Steves England Tours. You can do it as a single, so you will be with a group of new friends. Or, you and one friend can sign up, so you can share a room on the trip.

I would talk with your husband! From what you describe he doesn't seem especially interested in travel, but seems perfectly comfortable with you going on your own. If that is indeed the case, you should go without him. You will need to decide if you want to go alone, or with one of the two friends who are willing to be travel companions. If with your friend, make sure you are on the same page as to what to do, and also split up some to do your own thing. She wants to do a food tour and you want a museum? Fine, meet up after. If you go alone, maybe join some day tours or short walking tours.

To the alcoholic - if you are going alone, this is easy. Just say you're going alone as a chance to relax and enjoy solitude. That way it's nothing personal, it's just that you want alone time. If you go with another friend, maybe stress a shared interest, along the lines of "Susan and I both really want to see xyz so we decided to go at the same time".

To your pen-pal - when you know you are going, tell her your dates and ask her to meet up for dinner. That way she knows your plans, and it won't look like you are asking for a room. If she offers, either accept or say that you've already booked a hotel but can't wait to see her when you're there.

SandraL, I would go on my own.

If you go with someone, and end up feeling responsible for their enjoyment, you will not have any joy yourself. If your husband's feelings are hurt, too bad. He should want to make you happy, and if he thinks that means letting you go yourself, he shouldn't complain.

With your husband you just need to be honest. Tell him you would prefer to travel with him and show him the England you love but if he honestly doesn't want to go you will not push him. If he really doesn't want to go make sure he's totally ok with you going solo or with a friend. As far as your girlfriends, have you asked them if they want to go? Or have they just told you that they would like to go? It could make a difference on how you handle choosing just one of them. I know I have had friends that have said to me "the next time you go to Europe, I want to go with you", but when it came down to putting up the money and making reservations etc, they changed their tune. Just my personal opinion but if it comes down to solo or with the drinker, I'd go solo. I have only traveled with one friend who turned out to be a much heavier drinker when on vacation than when at home. It was one of the worst travel experiences I have ever had. I had to pry her out of the bar or lounge or beer hall to get her back to the hotel at a reasonable hour - it was horrible. I usually travel solo now and I prefer it - yes it sometimes gets lonely and you miss having someone to share wonderful highlights with but in the end not being tied to anyone else's schedule and desires is worth that loneliness (which by the way doesn't happen often). Good luck.

I agree with Nancy. Leave the drinker at home. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT relent and take a traveling companion that's going to ruin your trip! Go solo if you have to. You'll be happier.

Travelling is about sharing, just as being married is about sharing.
I think you need to concentrate your efforts on bringing these two joys together.
The rewards will be well worth it.

Hi,

Assuming you have already talked to hubby about going to England and he is opposed to it, I would suggest seriously consider going without him, otherwise you'll never go...thanks to him. No guilt involved at all. So, either you consider going with a girl friend(s) or doing the trip solo. The point is not to be prevented from going because of someone else. If a girl friend is willing to go, then it's not up to you to make sure she is enjoying herself. That is her responsibility, not yours. I can't stand traveling with someone who is difficult to please, picky, basically a whiner. Do I travel alone? Most of the time.

I wanted to add that your post makes it seem like you are very concerned with hurting people's feelings. While this is certainly a good thing, it can be taken too far. Obviously you want to be polite, but if it comes down to doing something you don't want in order to spare someone (like if you were to travel with the alcoholic!)...that's a problem. Stop worrying about other people over yourself! I have an older relative who did this her whole life and now has a million regrets of things she never got to do because she always put someone else first. Don't be that. If traveling to England is important to you and you can afford the time and money...then go.

My husband and I both love travel and travel together much of the time. But with conflicting work schedules and stuff with the kids - sometimes we need to go separately. It works well, and there are places he wants to go that I don't and vice versa so we just save those for individual trips. If your husband isn't interested in going it's probably better not to push him (he'd likely not be the best travel partner if he doesn't want to be there, and would be upset with you), and he shouldn't push you to stay home (you'll resent him). Best solution is for you to go alone or with a friend.

I am going to give a little different perspective. It is silly to assume that you will always have the option of traveling with your husband. Many widows can tell you that it is important to take advantages of opportunities to travel together while you are able to. There is plenty of time for traveling by yourself later.......

There's nothing wrong if you don't travel with your husband! My DH is quite a bit older than I am, if he hadn't traveled when he could and I couldn't then he would have missed out on an awful lot, and just been hanging around waiting for me. I can't tell you how many women told me that they would never let their husband go on vacation without them! That is just selfish and limiting your partner's life, and vice versa. Confirm nicely that your husband doesn't want to go, and go on your own if he doesn't. There's nothing worse than traveling with someone who doesn't want to be there. Also, be very careful of picking a travel mate, as your best friends might not be your best travel mates. Just say no. People travel differently, drinking or not. You will meet a lot more people if you go by yourself and not have to worry about another person having a good time. You'll have a great time. Wray

I think you should strongly encourage you husband to go. Tell him you really would like to go with him. Hopefully, he will agree if he knows it is important to you. Tell him if he doesn't enjoy it, you won't make him go again. If he refuses, go without him (by yourself or with a friend you think you will have fun with). If he agrees to go, make sure to include activities he will enjoy. Involve him in the planning. My hope is he will have a great time and become a great travel buddy.

I had to talk my husband into our first trip to Europe. We went to London because he refused to go anywhere they didn't speak English. He had a blast and we've been back many times. He doesn't care what language they speak. It may not work out this way for you, but you should at least give it a try.

@Nancy--My husband never did show much enthusiasm for England, even back when I went by myself (2x when I knew him). He never said, "I wish I could go with you" or anything of the sort. As for the girlfriends, one said she would go with me in three years, when I finish my master's (and I am not sure if she is serious or not as I don't know if she has the money etc.). The second just said "if you're looking for a traveling companion I'd like to go."
The more I am thinking about it, the more I want to go with either my husband, or alone. I often feel like I don't get enough "alone time." And you are all correct in saying I will meet people on the trip. I did years ago, and I did when I went on solo art retreats (in fact, I met one of my best friends at a retreat and it turned out we went to the same college and she grew up right near where I live!).
Regarding hiking in England. Theoretically, my husband likes to be outdoors, but we are by no means outdoor people and the sort of walks we would take would be short ones. He does enjoy museums and art quite a bit.
I brought home Rick's Britain video, and (hope you are not reading this, Rick!) he didn't feel like he got a good view of London from it. Didn't say anything about wanting to go vs. not wanting to go. So we'll see.

Your second post says it all; "If you are looking for someone to go with, I would like to go with you." You don't need to have a travel friend, either go with your husband or alone. I took a trip with a good friend and discovered we had very different expectations, even though we had discussed everything in advance and at length.

No brainer, husband for life and if he shows interest in going, let him.
Drunk girl friend, been there, done that, plan on that not turning out too fun. Nothing worst then a mean drunk, happy drunk and snoring drunk.
Pen pal in London, if you decide to stay a few days, and it doesn't work out, its only a few days.
Sounds like you have 2 back up friends to go with, so not sure there is an answer to that.

I think I've enjoyed traveling alone most. I'm reasonably outgoing so I don't have problems meeting locals, and I prefer that to babysitting a travel partner. Too often I've wasted valuable travel time playing tour guide to people who won't help plan but feel your job is to keep them entertained and, somehow, choose only the sights they like best.

Some people just don't share the love of travel. I took my wife on a month trip to Spain, her choice of destination. When we were done, all she said was "a month is too long." I didn't learn until a year and a half later she was missing her boyfriends here at home. Bright side is, when the divorce is final, I can travel by myself again.

You don't have to take anyone in tow, except your husband if he wants to go, unless that's what you really want to do. You don't owe it to anyone. If you bring a travel partner, do it because you want to and bring the person you are most likely to enjoy the trip with.

Well, my husband has decided he does not want to go. I have not mentioned the trip to my friend the heavy drinker. Friend #2, I think she just wants to come along for the ride, because when I asked her what sort of things she had in mind for London, she said her travel dreams usually revolve around other places. Huh? She said she'd buy a Fodor's and then decide what she wanted to see.

For me, this trip is about seeing things I didn't see on my first three trips, and getting in touch with the girl I was before I got married. Possibly going down the now-gentrified King's Road to see what's changed. The older I get, the more solitude I crave. So I think this is going to be a solo gig.

Still haven't mentioned the trip to my pen pal. It's probably time that I do. Then I'll know where I stand with her.

Brad--sorry about your marriage. Best of luck to you in the future!

SandraL, It sounds like you will have more fun by yourself. I would. Your friend sounds like she might be a bother in the end. Go solo and enjoy doing anything you darn well please! Wray

Good luck and enjoy your trip!

I agree with Wray. After reading your posts I also think you'll enjoy your trip more going solo. I normally travel solo (about 90% of the time) and have never regretted it.

It may be different for a guy like me but I found travelling solo to the UK last Fall to be wonderfully liberating. I'm heading to Italy for 10 days solo in 3 weeks. Originally was going to meet an Italian-American friend in Rome but he backed out due to money, a wife and 3 kids makes things difficult, so its just me again and I'm fine with that. I go where I want, when I want, and I don't have to worry about anyone else wanting to spend time on things I don't enjoy. If I miss a train nobody is complaining, I just have a beer and wait for the next one. I love the freedom. Granted I'm one who does not mind being alone, I have friends who can't even grasp the concept of going to a movie alone much less travelling to Europe. But I tell myself I can wait around for someone to get the free time and money to go with me, and probably end up not going, or just get out there and do what I want to do. Granted it would be romantic to spend time in Venice with a particular lady I know but alas its not going to work that way so I'm off for some "Aaron time" and looking forward to it. I like how it makes an introvert like myself be more sociable as well.

I can certainly agree with a lot of what Brad wrote:
"I think I've enjoyed traveling alone most. I'm reasonably outgoing so I don't have problems meeting locals, and I prefer that to babysitting a travel partner. Too often I've wasted valuable travel time playing tour guide to people who won't help plan but feel your job is to keep them entertained and, somehow, choose only the sights they like best."

Playing tour guide to people who won't help you plan the trip is bad enough. But when they gripe and say these sights weren't very interesting to them, well, you just don't need people like that along with you on a vacation. Life is too short.

Brad, sorry to read about your bad news. I hope your next trip will be a great one. I find that travel helps me forget about life's disappointments, and I've had a few.

And just for the record, a month of traveling is NOT too long a trip. A month is about what it takes for me to do a trip to London, and then cover the areas of England I want to explore. Usually up the east side of England, across Hadrian's Wall, then down the west side of England. There are always castles and walking trails that I had not visited before. If a person can manage to take the time off, a month is the perfect length for a trip.

Sandra, go solo. You will be able to do exactly what you want. It will be the perfect trip!

Ouch Brad !! Sorry mate.

If something goes wrong or a problem arises when you are travelling solo, it usually disappears after a few drinks and a good meal. When you have a (not so perfect) travel partner it just leads to increasing tension and stress.