Travel tips for widows/widowers

What a thoughtful thread. Thank you for posting it. I hope that many who have found themselves in this situation will share their thoughts. My closest friend is now in this position, having lost her husband 5 years ago. Only now is she feeling like she can contemplate travel again. Baby steps. Going on a revisit to the Maritime provinces next month with another good friend will be her first foray.

Carol, this post is a wonderful reminder of what kind people are in our forum who are considerate to share & help others!

As a person who has widows in her group of friends, I would just say that you encouraged to not suppress those unexpected moments of grief in a trip. Friends and fellow travelers will be an encouragement and comfort and are fine with real, honest emotions. It’s a reflection of the love you still have for your husband.

The tips you have listed are wise. Also, another step may be taking a chance to try a brand new hobby or interest. This past trip was my first time sketching and painting at a couple of outdoor private classes in Bergamo. Maybe trying a cooking class or something else would bring joy.

Thank you, Carol. I want to add it can also apply to someone who is divorced; especially if the divorce came as a surprise, 'seemingly' out of no where. I grieved for many years the loss of my favorite travel companion. In 2008 after traveling alone a couple times, I tried a Rick tour. It was perfect for me to have both companion and solo times. I will go on my 8th next month. I always travel alone both before and after the tour and visit a dear girl friend in Canada on my way home. I so agree with the pop up grief moments and especially with the one step at a time philosophy. It has been 30 years and I still move forward one step at a time with some days being better than others.

My situation is both similar, yet different, and I'm hoping this isn't considered "hijacking the thread". I recently lost my dad. He loved to travel. Because of COVID and then his failing health, we couldn't do a couple trips he desperately wanted to do, "one more time". I have a hard time doing anything he would have enjoyed. He loved Hawaii and went a handful of times, and he should have used some of his funds and gone more! I feel horrible going to Hawaii, now. I could easily avoid it and travel other places, but my daughter lives there for a few years, yet. A friend had some great advice, she said to "work into it". He loved Kauai, so I'll wait to visit there for a while and concentrate on the other islands. When I'm up to it, I'm going to go thru his albums and write down some of his restaurants and activities, and some day, I'll visit them.

Even when we travel other places, I feel guilty finding pleasure in doing something he would have enjoyed. So I've made a list of positive things to do "in my dad's honor". Because he loved to travel, I concentrate on the concept of traveling as much as possible before it becomes more difficult. I try to work in things he enjoyed, like having a rum and coke (with a squeeze of lime, by gosh!) while looking at the plan for the next day. He was very social and I'm more reserved, but I've made an effort to talk to more folks. I especially talk to older couples that seem receptive about some of their previous travels. And when I see someone fishing, I, of course, ask what they are fishing for and if they've had any luck.

Carol, this is a beautiful, thoughtful thread. My heart goes out to everyone expressing their loss here, whether through death of a spouse or parent, or divorce, or whatever the case may be. And any one of us may be there at any moment.

It's lovely that you set out to provide some comfort and perspective to those who may be newly facing this — or traveling with friends or family members who are. Thank you.

This is a lovely post.

My father died unexpectedly in June, and he never made it out to visit me in Europe for a variety of reasons. I had pleaded for years knowing it wouldn't be easy for me to have him as a houseguest (he was a fairly unusual guy) but I knew the experience would be incredibly rewarding for him.

His death came in between planned trips so the last time I spoke to him I was in Lisbon. Less than 2 weeks after returning to the US to handle his affairs I was in Ireland. I never traveled with my dad outside of California, but he was so passionate about our beautiful, foggy, rugged coast. He'd separated from his wife and we were starting to make plans for him to visit in November. Being in Ireland was tough because he'd always wanted to go and now he'd never have the chance - the grief and guilt kept sneaking up on me.

When going through his apartment I came across the Rick Steves Germany book I'd given him last Christmas (hint hint, dad!) and as he was very much in the Boomer PBS guy stereotype, he had every DVD of the RS show. He said he'd watch episodes based on where I was traveling. I just wish he'd been able to join me. I kept those DVDs even though I don't have a DVD player, even though I can watch those episodes on YouTube.

I'm glad you've kept traveling, Carol!

Carol now retired - what a thoughtful, kind and poignant discussion. We all will discover that losses accumulate so quickly as we age.

I found that those moments of intense grief can occur for people who suffer the loss of their parents and siblings. I recall a particularly painful experience that occurred a year after my mother passed away in 2015. We lost my father years before that. Shortly after getting on the Ohio Turnpike I simply couldn't continue driving as I was so choked up recalling the many hours I had spent with my parents on hundreds of trips between MI and PA. It just hit me so hard that I would never have that experience again with my parents......or my sister who had also recently died. It was a very intense period of many losses. Fortunately I wasn't alone and my partner could handle the driving. We both were raised in families colocated in MI and PA so my emotions were perfectly understood.

Thank you all for your replies and thoughtful reminders about the different ways people can experience grief and loss.

Please keep sharing how you have been able to continue traveling on your journey. Both in life and in travel.

I think your post has helped a lot of people. Nice words for all.

My tip would be that even if your part of a couple, don’t lose your identity in your marriage. Travel solo while you are still married, keep those hobbies and learning new things outside of the marriage.
Carol, nice post. Can’t wait to hear about your upcoming (2) RS tours!

Sarah, thank you for sharing your experience.

Carol now retired and all the others - thank you, thank you, thank you - for this incredibly valuable thread.

I am with you all...

I am traveling with anticipatory grief. My husband has Alzheimer’s. He is still pretty functional but is very uncomfortable with change. Last February, we took a trip to the Dolomites and rented an apartment in a historic building that had ceramic stoves in each room, and a door to each room to keep the heat in. The whole two weeks we were there, he could not find his way from the bedroom to the bathroom to the living room and to the kitchen because of all the closed doors. I know we can no longer do trips with multiple nights of hotel changes, but even with limited change and limited activity, he has difficulty. He is aware enough to say so, and that he is happier at home, and so I did not book the trip to Portugal I was pining for. We have two week-long trips in Italy this fall, which I will still take him on, but after that I will try not to pry him out onto the road. We are comfortably ensconced in a small town in Italy and a secure house behind a gate, so here he will stay. I am trading off caregiving with my adult daughter this year, so we can each still have trips, but when she goes back to Canada next year, I will probably need more permanent caregivers so I can still get away now and then.

So I will get used to traveling solo in advance of the actual state of widowhood. But the lesson to me is the same as for those of you who posted above - to take care of myself and still look for joy in daily outings or bigger trips.

P.S. Yes, we knew of his diagnosis before our move here. He is happy, and life is easier for both of us not navigating big-city Calgary. He can take the dog out for a walk, find his way back, and not worry about traffic. No regrets from him or me.

@ Nelly. My heart goes out to you. I have nothing but admiration for you. Thank you for sharing this daily loss you live with. I am glad you are still traveling.

Thank you Carol and everyone else.

This has been very helpful. My husband and I had to cancel our-The Best of Europe in 21 Days-trip due to everything shutting down due to Covid. Unfortunately, June 2021 he was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer and passed this past March. As I navigate being a widow, I now am trying to figure it out by myself. I still want to take the 21-day Europe trip and hope it wouldn't be overwhelming. I think I just need to take the plunge and do it. Time doesn't stop for anyone. It's therapeutic to read how others are navigating major life changes positively.

This is so sad, but makes me feel less alone.

We are supposed to be on a flight -- this very minute -- to meet up Monday with our Best of Turkey group. Chris had been feeling unwell for awhile, and on August 4th we got the word, cancer. Talk about turning your world upside down.

In the past I've posted that we travel more than is wise for our income level. Now I don't regret a single cent of it.

Thank you all for sharing.

@Andrea - yes. Dear traveling friends of mine were told by their financial advisor that they might want to cut back. They did, and a couple of years later she died of pancreatic cancer. I took that as a lesson.

@Nelly - Thank you for writing. My husband also has Alzheimer's (diagnosed at age 72) and moved into a memory care community in April. In March, while the move was being contemplated and planned for, I desperately needed something to look forward to, so I booked myself an August trip to Switzerland (Berner Oberland). Up until two days before the trip I was vacillating on whether I could "abandon" my husband and go. I went. Larry and I had shared 19 trips to Europe in our 25 years of marriage, the last being 2019. I will admit that being alone in Europe was emotionally difficult, but I pressed on. Fortunately, I had no logistical problems at all, though I did catch Covid on the plane over. Since Switzerland has no restrictions on those who test positive, it didn't slow me down too much - I just did less hiking for a couple of days. Now, two weeks after my return, I find I'm appreciating the trip more than I did while I was there. I can divorce the emotional part from the absolute beauty that I encountered every day.

Thank you, Carol, for this thread.

I just wanted to add one thing. When the pandemic hit and Rick Steves had to make some difficult decisions about whether to go forward with trips or not be able to, they were beyond wonderful in keeping us informed and refunding our money. I will be forever grateful as I know other agencies only allowed people to defer their trips. Now that it's only me and not my husband, that means a lot! Thank you!!!!

Reading through this thread reminds me of the quote, "Be kind, you never know what someone is going through". And I think this applies to both people you meet in person, and people you meet in forums such as this.

Thank you all for sharing.

this is such a valuable thread - thanks to all

My condolences to all of you on this thread who are dealing with loss, whether by death or Alzheimer's. For those of us reading this who are not experiencing this yet, I agree with diveloonie-if you do some solo travel while still married, that will be one less mental hurdle to surmount later because you know that you're capable of doing it on your own.

On my last 2 Caminos, I have walked with 4 different widows who were using this walk as a time to grieve. 2 of them had ashes that they discreetly spread in certain places as their husbands had wanted to walk the Camino with them. (this is technically illegal in many countries)
Though they often walked and talked, and also cried, about their grief with others, they also used long stretches of the walk to be by themselves. I felt this was a really emotional walk for them, but good for them too.
Perhaps this would be something for other widows or widowers to think about doing. It seems to be quite common.

Thank you for posting and for everyone's replies. I lost my husband suddenly last week. We'd finally booked our three-year-late anniversary trip for early next year. I'm still in shock and can't believe we won't go together. I'm really going to try and go on the trip anyway and travel for him and for us. I thought about inviting others to come along on parts of the month long trip but it just doesn't feel right. Honestly, we traveled so well together, I just can't see doing it with anyone else.

Katey,, my heart goes out to you! You are still in shock and probably will be for some time. God Bless You! You will make it through, one day at a time.

"We traveled so well together, I can't see doing it with anyone else." Yes! This is me too. I needed to make my first trip to Europe solo to see what it would be like for me and to see whether I would want to continue to make European trips without Larry there. I hope you will decide to press on with your trip. I think he would want you to do so, if you're able.