Travel Partner (In)compatibility?

Kara - many couples have one who is the planner. my
very compatible travel companion and I have had many
wonderful trips but I do all of the planning - it's
just not his thing. I think the compatibility comes more
from thinking of travel the same way, enjoying the same
things and neither one of us ever wants to sleep in!
Once you are there he will appreciate how much you know
from all of your planning! And how much better the
trip is because of it!

I plan nothing in advance except maybe a country and that doesn't always wind up on the actual trip. I don't feel it costs me any more since I'm not really particular where I sleep as long as I don't get bonked on the head or catch bedbugs. Herself feels the same way. We have traveld a good bit.

When traveling with Herself who likes art museums, I can spot a place that sells beer or coffee from a thousand yards.

When the trip involves prehistory, Herself will not go, so I go with a buddy and we come back and tell Herself lies about all the chicks who thought we were cool.

When the trip involves hiking, I have no friends, so I go alone.

Herself and I have been happily wed for a long time.

Hi Kara,

I'd make sure that he really wants to go on this trip! I'd either plan the trip and hope that he's o.k. with the plan or be more spontaneous and go with the flow. Some people find that they don't travel well together and decide to go on their own.

I'm blessed with a partner who is as passionate about travel as I am and it makes for enjoyable and interesting trips. But, even with that, travel can be stressful at times and being with a partner who doesn't want to be there will make for a long trip!

Oh Kara,you have your work cut out for you!I came from a family who lived for vacations.We lived to go anywhere,anytime.My husband,on the other hand,was raised on a farm and they just worked all of the time and never went anywhere.Turning a VERY resistant workaholic husband into a person who valued spending lots of money and time on travel was a huge accomplishment.But it came about very gradually.I think my success came by always trying to make whatever we did(small steps)very pleasant.Also I always showed happiness and gratitude for all the times when he went along with my ideas.Also,I always tried to plan trips to accommodate his(more limited)travel interests.My advice to you(coming from a person who has been madly in love with my husband since I was 15...I'm 52 now)is COMPROMISE!Yes,we both know that you can save a lot of money and headaches by planning everything ahead.But maybe you can preplan the most crucial parts,then build days of flexibility in to make him happier.(Then, perhaps he will see how much easier preplanning is and encourage you to do more later,or...maybe you'll come around to his point of view and become more free spirited...)I get my husband interested in where I want to go by cooking theme dinners and pouring a glass of wine and putting in the DVD showing the place I'll die if I don't get to see next.I sneak in history & travel lessons disguised as date nights.We now go to Europe every year and he loves to travel as much as me. But the change came from patience,small gradual steps and love,not hard pushing to get my way.The important thing to remember is that many of the differences between couples can turn out to be a very good thing.My husband has the most incredible sense of direction that no amount of planning on my part can overcome,is much better with languages and is amazing at handling the money.There's no way my travel would be so great without him.If you really love each other,all can be worked out.

If you are already arguing and you haven't even left yet -- then yes you will probably argue on the trip. Travel is intensified living. Could be your arguments will intensify too??? I am a planner, my husband is not. For us that works perfect. We take great trips, I get my way -- tho I try to take into account the rest of my family's wishes too and don't really have to get too many opions on what we do. It probably helps to travel with someone who at least has the same philosphy of travel. We like to have a plan -- reservation for hotels etc , but only ideas for daily activities. That way plans can be adjusted based on energy level or weather. If you don't agree on some of the basics it might be a looooong trip. Maybe you could find a girlfriend you could travel with instead ???

Kara, If you like to plan and your boyfriend doesn't, that's not a problem; you can do all the planning. (This is how it works in my family, and I love it!) However, it sounds like you like to plan and your boyfriend doesn't want to have any plans. That requires some compromise. I think if you recognize and acknowledge that you have different styles of travel and agree that you want to take this trip and will compromise, you can have a great trip.

I would advise you to be a little more laid back when you talk about the trip. Ask him questions about what he wants to do rather than hit him with all your ideas. By all means, do lots of planning and get an idea what you want to do; just don't share it all with him.

You're going to have to fly somewhere, so agree on your first stop. You should probably book your first night so you don't have to worry about finding a place to stay when you're tired and jet lagged.

For the rest of the trip, you'll have to compromise. First talk about places you might want to go. You can research them and make a list of places you might want to do (with hours and days of operation) as well as places to stay (with phone numbers). When you're on the trip you can call the day before to book your rooms. And each morning you can decide what to do. It will help a lot if you've done your research, but again, if he's not a planner, keep it mostly to yourself until it's time to decide.

Don't give up on the idea of the trip because you think you're incompatible. If you make an effort, you can probably find common ground. And don't forget you can split up sometimes. You don't have to spend every second together. Good luck!

Thank you all so, SO much for the responses and advice! To cover some of the issues you brought up, I AM sure that he really wants to go on the trip, and he does want to help plan. We also do have a pretty similar travel philosophy - more "experiencing" than site-seeing, not too many museums, and we both love hiking.

So I guess the lesson here is compromise, compromise, compromise! And we already made some progress! He said to me "How about you get England, I get Scotland, and we'll split Ireland?" I just about burst into tears I was so happy! He just needed a part of the trip that he could claim as his own.

I think we'll book the "crucial parts" - flights, intercity bus tickets and some hostels - in advance, but be spontaneous whenever possible. Thanks again! :-)

What a nice follow up post, Kara. I think you're going to have a wonderful trip!

Kara....you've just discovered the secret to a long-lasting relationship....

Kara, I also smiled when I read your response. I think the key to happiness in life, as well as travel, means not keeping score or worrying about little things that really don't matter. Be patient, slow to anger and quick to forgive. Being truly in sync with another human being takes a long time. Your asking for travel relationship advice shows that you really want to do the work it takes to make a lasting partnership. I hope you have a wonderful time and that your relationship grows even closer from this experience.

Hey, this is fun. Wait too long to have a meal, and then search around for a particular one. Be unable to find it. Settle for something with bad food and bad service. With luck, they'll have just lost their liquor license so you can't even get a drink. Wee doggie, that'll start some conversations! It becomes even more fun when you have kids. Once, the electricity was out in the main town, and all surrounding restaurants were packed. We still talk about that one. Just our little family tradition.

Kara, I almost could have written your post! I'm so glad that you've reached a compromise. I'm praying for the same still and we're traveling in March! Your post gives me a glimmer of hope!! :o) We've been married 16 yrs. Frankly, I'm still a bit worried, but hoping for the best. I've done all the planning and reading about the places we'll visit, and every time I ask for his opinion on something, he doesn't want to talk about it, so I've left it alone. I kept thinking that, as the time draws closer, he'd become more interested, but it hasn't happened yet. I'm still planning and hoping for the best! I'm a bit intimidated to travel alone in a foreign city and not know the language, but I'm not going to miss out on an experience because he'd rather chill out in the hotel room than see Paris! (He spent our 8th anniversary watching Shrek in the cabin of our cruise ship while I went to the magic show and felt our daughter move for the first time-I was in my second trimester!) But that's us. Sounds like you're going to be fine, and I'm so glad he's getting excited, too!

Kara – My wife and I have been travel companions for 24 years, but it didn’t start out that way. I’m the initial planner of the trip. I investigate areas of interest for the both of us. Set initial itineraries, I then turn it over to She that must be obeyed. It is a long and drawn out process that takes a few months. For the most part all I cared about is “Is there golf near by” or “I see a pub over there, let’s go in for a pint”. Everything seems to work out in the end.

Glad to read you have worked everything out.

The plan you've outlined in your follow-up post sounds great. I was going to suggest something similar. After about two years of traveling Europe together, my husband and I have worked out a system like that, where we each pick a part of the trip and run with it.

It started out that I was the planner, and he would call my process a "frenzy" due to the 15+ Firefox tabs open at once, the guidebooks and dvds swirling around in the living room, and my randomly working in Tripadvisor reviews in to conversations. Any time I would ask him if he wanted input on the trip, he'd feel like he was already so far behind me in the planning. The trips still went fine (so there's hope for incompatible planners to be compatible travelers!), but I mean, of course I wondered if he would enjoy it more if he got to plan parts of it. So we slowly worked towards the current way, which has the added benefit of adding more spontaneity to the trip; this is because I hold off on the "frenzy" until maybe 2-3 days before we leave, instead of starting weeks ahead.

One thing that has definitely helped: Don't be afraid to split up for a few hours. On one trip I was art museum'd out, so I rented a bike for a few hours and set up a meeting place, and that way both of us were happy. (It turns out I am going back to that art museum anyway on a return trip this weekend, because now I really do want to see it. ha!)

Also, really pay attention and listen to the things he's planned for his part of the trip. Sometimes you can get ideas and run with those for the parts of the trip that you are planning.

I used my first European trip with my boyfriend as a test. He did not know it, but I felt that since I loved to travel, I needed a mate that had the same passion. I was concerned because he is not one to function outside of his comfort zone. If he was not a good travel mate, then it was a sign that he was not for me. Our first trip was Germany, on purpose, because I knew he was a WWII buff, liked good beer, and medieval culture. He did not seem interested into the planning of our trip, but I did not really mind because that is my favorite part of the trip. We went on our trip and we arrived with him having the worst cold of his life. Our first 2 days in Berlin were misery, he was so not fun to be around ( I have been sick in Europe before but sucked it up and still had a blast) and I thought we were definitely breaking up when we get home. But his illness cleared up, and we proceeded to have the time of our lives. He loved that I had put so much energy into our trip and that all my hard planning produce such a pleasurable trip. He did not know that I intentionally threw in a lot of things that he was interested in, but I did it to break him in. Since then, we have gone on a total of 3 trips, each one more magical than the other. And I still get to plan the trips, but I make sure I throw in things that float his boat.

Find out what he likes and throw it in your trip. Don't be so upset that he is not contributing to the research of the trip, let that be your masterpiece. And when you go and have a great time, he will cherish the fact that you did so well planning such a great trip. And if he does not, then you may have to find a new travel partner (friends, mom, new man? (sorry, no disrespect)). If travel is going to be a part of your life, then compatibility is necessary.

I think your new plan sounds great. I'm the planner in our family, too (I'm not as bad as my mother, she would have a detailed itinerary of all of her trips), but it's worked out well for us. I love doing the research (hence why I'm on here, it's an addiction), for me it's half the fun. So I do the planning, run the ideas by my husband, he says "sounds great", and we go.

I do try to keep some spontaneity in the trip. I do like to have flights and transportation figured out before we go. We used to just book our rooms for the first and last town on our trip, but now with kids, we have all our rooms booked before we go. Running around a town trying to find a room for 4 with 2 kids in tow is not my idea of fun. We did it when it was just the 2 of us, but we always found something. I like to have a ballpark idea of where we're going, but also to keep an open mind, so if we see something cool or the B&B owner recommends a place, we have the freedom to do that.

This thread is bringing back lots of memories. My husband and I took our first trip to Europe almost 30 years ago. I was desperate to go to Europe, but my husband refused to go anywhere they didn't speak English. He also refused to go for more than one week. I was worried. I decided to start with England, and I finally convinced him to go for two weeks (using the economic efficiency angle). We had a fantastic time and went to Scotland the next year. Next came the kids and it was quite a while before we could go again. In the meantime, he had to make a business trip to Sweden, and he loved it. So our next trip was to Scandanavia. He now loves to go to Europe as much as I do, and he doesn't care about the language any more. We went to France last year, and I was a bit concerned about his preconceptions about the French people. Well, he loved France and thought the French people were great.

As you can see, my husband is now more open to new experiences. I have changed over the years too. I am now more laid back and willing to take things more slowly rather than trying to cram in as much as I can into each day. So I think we've both benefited from compromising.

We are now such compatible travel partners that I had almost forgotten it wasn't always this way.

Kara, you'll have to let us know how it worked out when you're back. I wonder if Mr. Spontaneity will have any experiences that makes him understand the value of knowing where you're going to sleep each night. (Haha, you can tell I'm a planner too). Or to be fair, maybe you'll have an experience that you just couldn't have had if you had a set itinerary.

Kara, it was great to read your follow-up post to see that you & your partner have done more talking about your trip. I, too, am the planner, but while my husband teases me about it, he recognizes that my advance prep does have dividends. We usually travel by car most of the time, so we have more flexibility to stop when we see something interesting. Taking some alone time for each of you as you feel you need it is very beneficial. I actually enjoy a laundromat w/ my journal and/or a book.

Be sure to let us all know how your trip goes when you return.

Haha, this sounds a little too familiar. I am also doing all the planning, while my boyfriend...isn't. However, this is only because our trip isn't until October and I have way too much time on my hands. We're not getting into fights over anything, but I'm starting to feel really annoying, because I can't stop talking about this trip and all my research. Needless to say, I'm embarrassingly excited :)

I love this thread!

My husband and I have been travelling together for a number of years and I am almost (but not quite) used to the fact that I have to do all the planning and research and that he is quite agreeable to go wherever I propose as long as there are good pictures to be taken along the way.

I do find, however, that it is necessary for me to listen the odd time he makes a suggestion and do what I can to ensure that it becomes part of the plan. So, on our upcoming trip for example, we will go to Paris for a week (my idea) and we will spend a week on a canal boat in England (his idea), in addition to time in London. While we are in London, he wants to take more pictures of London streets. So, I have also given him a book of London walks and told him that he is in charge of two of our days there. (No doubt I will not know where we are going in London on those two days until we wake up in the morning and that part is beginning to drive me crazy. However....) I have also asked him what is the one thing he wants to do in London that, if he misses it, he will be disappointed. As a result, we are making time for him to go up in the London Eye (not me, I have a problem with heights).

Kara, as you have so wisely concluded, it is all a matter of compromise and each set of travelling companions has to reach its own balance in this respect. I hope that you and your boyfriend have a wonderful trip!

By way of perspective, consider that it's also REALLY hard to plan a trip with an equivalently passionate and dedicated planner - a friend and I both wanted to be lead planners of our trip to London and Paris. We ended up compromising a lot and also agreed to disagree on a few things. These principles apply to your situation too. You might have to negotiate a few things that will keep you from super stressing - for me, it's knowing I have a hotel reservation each night, so you could arrange that and give a little flexibility on what you do during the day.

And by way of advice, I find my planner instincts are assuaged if I plan to to be spontaneous. You non-planners may laugh, but 80% of it for me is knowing what to expect. And I really have had wonderful unplanned magic moments on trips!

This is a great thread! Like a lot of you on this board, I am the planner, while my wife is along for the ride. She enjoys travel, and will specify a few things she wants to see/do, but for the most part she is disinterested in the planning.

Think she would spend time trolling the message boards? Not in a million years.

It works, all the same.

We have learned that there may be a few hours that we go our seperate ways (she with teenage daughter in tow). Usually anything relating to military history, cemeteries, etc and I am on my own.

I will guarantee that in a two or more week trip that you will wind up at each others throats at one point. I can't offer any sage advice, but I do notice that the main point of contention with my wonderful wife of 30 years is that she refuses to stick to a schedule of when it is time to eat in the appropriate country, that you sit and at least rest rather than shop, and then getting hungry between meals. A routine is very important in adapting to a new time zone and in pacing yourself on a long trip. By the way, she does not read this board, so I speak authoritively, though she may certainly have a different perspective.

My husband does not mind me reading up in advance, paying in advance, or even choosing a country to visit. He loves to travel, but unfortunately, his preference is the beach somewhere sunny! Yet this same man would agree to go to Europe knowing full well that we are visiting cities. He would tell all of his friends that we will be in Oxford/London/Rome/Paris etc. and sound excited at the prospect. I've been married 20 years, and still secretly think of throwing him in the path of a moving train at times! Arrrrgggghhhhhh :-)

I hope your trip works out well, and you find many things to enjoy together.

Even at my stage in life, I am learning from each trip, and the next time I travel with this man I call my husband, who seems to turn into a toddler when in a city, I am going to make quite sure he really, really understands that he is agreeing to spend his vacation in a city, so no sulking allowed! It's awful to be with someone who sulks, but believes we should all be together. There is no logic, and he's an engineer, LOL :-)

Sadly, a lot of conflict couples have on vacations isn't just personality differences. Often it is the bad behavior traits of one person that are a constant source of problems throughout the person's life and interactions with others. A friend complains a lot about her husband.We went on a vacation with this couple and the exact problems she had with him were also major sources of irritation to my husband and me as well. Being self centered and immature, making people worry about you and wait on you and insisting on your own way is not just a problem for the spouse, but borders on a personality disorder. Often other people, like co-workers and casual friends, don't say anything, so the person thinks the spouse is just a complainer. A relationship can only be as good as the weakest link. My husband and I didn't want to get into a fight and point out how his rudeness ruined our trip, but we would never, ever go anywhere with that couple again. Not so easy for his wife.

Kara I'm glad you guys are compromising! Keep in mind, the first trip together is always an eye-opener and will probably still have glitches/debates but as long as you breathe and just remember you want to be with him it tends to work out. Have fun!