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Solo travel without telling my mother or aunt

I was in a graduate program and took a class i Lithuania, in the summer of 2007. I was partly on my own and partly with the class. I am afraid the class and the whole graduate program was a waste of time and money and I guess the class counts as travel. My next trip was a 3 night trip to Montreal, Canada, when I was 32. I called my aunt and then called my parents, from my apartment, to tell them about my trip, the evening before leaving. As expected, my mother was scared to death, and I felt really guilty for perhaps doing something terribly wrong. My dad didn’t mind. my aunt didn’t mind but requested details, including about where I was staying. The next year, I took an 8 night trip to England. My mother was mortified but calmed down before I left. This time, I told her about my trip about 4 months in advance. The next year, I spent 14 nights in Italy. My mother was horrified when I called her to tell her that I had bought my airplane tickets. This year I went to Greece, in October. I made the mistake of discussing the possibility of visiting the country with both my aunt and my mother, at my parents house. As expected, my mother was more scared than my aunt or my dad; my aunt and my mother both insisted that traveling alone is dangerous; they tried convincing me to find a whole-trip guided tour. As if as a way to say goodbye to me as they were driving me to the airport, they had a meltdown about their fear of dropping me off at the wrong entrance - typical behavior for them.

I can’t seem to stop wanting to travel. I am thinking of going to the Netherlands sometime between July-September or October, but this time, not telling my mother. I haven’t figured out my itinerary or whether I will go to Belgium too. I can request up to 10 weekdays off of work starting with the last week of June. I believe my mother can be easily fooled or decieved into not suspecting that I am traveling. I just need to keep my phone off most of the time, but call my parents a few times during my trip, and supply an excuse for why I am skipping seeing them if they ask about seeing me, which I think would be easy enough to do. In addition I would simply need to arrange rides to and from the airport, probably with the kind of taxi company that is used to driving to the airport and will agree on a price in advance. When my plane landed in Michigan on my way home from Athens, I paid $78 ($68 base price + tip) for a taxi ride to my apartment.

I realize that my question is a childish worry that seems like something only a kid around the age of 16-23 would ask about.

(I spent my youth being afraid to interact with people due to severe anxiety, which was obviusly induced by my parents behavior. Before you accuse me of being anxious, for subconscious, unknown reasons, contrary to what I think should be expected, my typical loneliness / fear of interacting with people seems to dissappear or lessen a lot when traveling to other countries; maybe part of my brain likes the possibility of a language barrier... all people have hypocracies and contradictions).

My trip is not planned yet. Right now it is just speculation.

What do you think of not telling my parents or my aunt about my trip?

Posted by
893 posts

When we travel overseas (we are in our late 60's) I always give our adult sons our itinerary and names of hotels. I also set up a photo stream that I can attach messages to. Our sons and grandchildren love seeing and commenting on the photos.

I would suggest that you do what the other poster said. Sit your Mom down in a friendly conversation and tell her that you are going and going to keep traveling. Tell her the options are you travel without telling them or you tell them and they DON'T give you any grief. Then set up a photo stream before you leave and connect it with one of their devices. Show them how to use it. Then you can send pictures every 2 or 3 days(tell her it won't be every day) and she can see that you are safe and having a great time. Maybe this will help her relax.

Have a Great Trip and as Rick Steves says "keep on traveling"
Mimi

Posted by
2456 posts

Mike, can’t you convince them that you will be safer spending 2 weeks in the Netherlands than in Detroit?
It’s hard for me to imagine that members of this forum, strangers really, who do not know you and your family members, can offer valid guidance on your situation, even though they might be sincere in the attempt to do so.

Posted by
7150 posts

I think it would be wrong to not tell your parents or aunt. How do you think they would feel if something happened to you while on your trip and they weren't even aware you were gone. I don't think you have to try to fool your mother by keeping your phone off and making excuses, that's deceitful. You've obviously traveled before and, while your mother may be upset and not want you to go, she seemed to be able to get over it in the past. You're an adult, man up and tell them.

Posted by
8159 posts

I am Librarian too. It is your idea; don't tell them and just go have a good time eliminates stress on the health for everyone
Besides the usual here is a list of places to go to
Kinderdijk
Dinant
Delft
Ghent

You got check this festival outside dancing beer etc.
https://www.northseajazz.com/en/

Posted by
368 posts

You’re an adult. Do what you’d like. Put Utrecht on your Netherlands itinerary.

Posted by
8859 posts

I don't see lying to your parents/aunt as a solution to this problem. You will never be able to control their reactions. The only thing you can control is your reaction to them......

You can of course, give minimal information at the last minute to reduce the amount of reaction that you get from them. I suggest that you take any trip that you want to and can afford, but not be dishonest about it.

I have relatives that worry about me when I travel. I simply make sure that I send an email or a picture every day.

I think that you may need more help dealing with this issue than kind strangers can give over a travel forum. Many workplaces have employee support programs that include counseling for employees. Perhaps your workplace does as well. This would give you a more appropriate place to deal with these issues.

Posted by
1123 posts

The first time that I went to Europe I was 20 and it was a summer college student exchange program to Germany. When I told my parents about it, they absolutely forbade me to go. They were afraid, jealous, uneducated, etc..... but I was actually still living under their roof while paying my way through college. After a few months of arguing and fighting and being kicked out, I went on the trip, all on my own dime. I had never asked them for money for the trip (and was actually also paying them rent), so their opposition was based solely on fear.

That was 23 years ago. I’ve gone to Europe almost every year since then. I always mention to my parents where we’re going and they always display concern. They pray for me and my husband for safety. I respect their fear, but I also try to educate them. I also set boundaries. I love and appreciate their prayers and that’s where they have to leave it. So they do.

I say all of this because I think that people sometimes project their own fears to the point that it’s not welcome or healthy. You must set your own boundaries. It will help you and your family members. Tell them about the trip, set your boundaries for their allowable reaction to you, and take an Uber to the airport.

Posted by
521 posts

As someone who struggles with anxiety and some related issues with my mother, I highly suggest speaking to a therapist and getting some strategies about how best to handle this. Kudos to you for continuing to travel and for not letting anxiety prevent you from doing something that you clearly love. I wish you many years of discovering new places and having new adventures!

Posted by
14915 posts

The basic question is : do you want to remain a prisoner of your upbringing, conditioning, fears , anxieties, or what ever you choose to call them. I would think not.

In your case I would plan a trip to Belgium, the Netherlands , or elsewhere in Europe doing it solo, ie, forget about any consideration of going with someone. Do that, you'll never end up going. Waiting for friends to go with you, especially for the guy, because of certain fears is useless, a waste of time, and a dead -end. You have certain fears, so what? Who doesn't? Also who cares about these fears? Go anyway and solo too! You don't rely on someone else or have someone rely on you.

Did I have fears when I went the first time? I mean, the very first time at 21. Of course, the main one was getting jumped or jacked in the streets American style, especially on occasions when you're totally alone, say on a Sunday or after rush hour in small towns, etc.

Twelve weeks traveling solo on this first trip proved to me that my fears were groundless. No such fears preoccupied me two years later on the second trip.

Posted by
3325 posts

This aspect of your parents is toxic to you. Not all aspects perhaps, but this. You are in your thirties and live independently. There's no reason they need to know, unless something happens. Send your itinerary to a friend in case something happens with contact numbers for your parents. If your parents balk afterwards, just tell them you were tired of making them anxious about your trips so you didn't tell them. Put it back on them where it belongs. Live your life, not theirs.

Posted by
9436 posts

I very much agree with kristen to see a therapist, and with everything Fred and Wray said. Helpful, powerful, true words.

My 28 yo son has been traveling the world solo/with friends since he was 20. He went to Columbia, alone, this year.
Parents are supposed to be supportive.

Posted by
6713 posts

I'm glad you enjoyed your trip to Greece, I remember your posts about all the worries you had beforehand.

People on this forum can help you (and hopefully have helped in the past) with practical answers and recommendations to your questions about where to go, how to get there, what to see, and the like. Few if any of us are qualified to give you advice about your relationships with family members -- and those who are qualified wouldn't do so without meeting you personally.

I mean no disrespect but I think Dear Abby would be about as useful to you as this forum when it comes to family relationships. I hope you have as good a time in the Netherlands, and future destinations, as you've apparently had in Greece and previously.. Many of us would identify with your statement: "I can't seem to stop wanting to travel." So don't stop wanting, and don't stop traveling.

Posted by
1194 posts

Oh sigh. This was my mom.

I will be blunt. She’s lost the right to know about your trip because of her dishonest emotional manipulation. She’s also making you responsible for her feelings. That’s childish and narcissistic. You are an adult and she needs to let go.

I would not lie to her. Just don’t tell her until you get back.

Tell her you’ll be unavailable that week due to other plans. When she demands details (this type always does) tell “oh I don’t want to bore you”

I echo others statements that therapy will help you establish a healthy adult relationship with your family.

You may want to check out Captain Awkward.

I will repeat. Your parents do not have the right to control you like this. When they pull these stunts they lose the right to details about your life.

Posted by
420 posts

You don’t need to tell your mom but definitely someone needs to know your whereabouts.

I don’t think you’re being childish & it doesn’t sound like your parents are mean. It just sounds like foreign travel scares the crap out of them.

I’m married with kids and my mom gets nervous when My family & I travel. And my mom was a military wife and I spent a good deal of my childhood overseas. Often my parents lived off base in town. In the 60s & 70s that wasn’t easy. Unlike many of their American military friends my parents learned the local language and had a lot of foreign friends.

Even with her background and experience my mom still gets nervous when I travel to places like Europe, Canada, Hawaii, New York, Dallas...(yes I live in Texas).

Posted by
14915 posts

Keep in mind too that you have another option, that is, to stay imprisoned by your fears, real or unreal. It is one thing to be imprisoned by your upbringing, quite another to stay that way.

Posted by
4031 posts

46 year old here. A couple of years ago, I bought a plane ticket to Seoul because I wanted to fly on a Delta B747 before they were all retired. A couple of months before the trip, tensions between the US and N Korea began to ratchet up. My mom would daily inform me of the latest inflammatory news event and ask, "You're not STILL going to S Korea are you?" "Yes, mom, I'm still going." My mom asked the question with increasing desperation as the trip approached.

Something big happened the day before my trip. Once again, the desperate question came. "Yes, mom, I'm still going." The day of the flight, I called my mom from Detroit as I was getting ready to board the plane. She told me about something else that was coming out of Pyongyang and followed it up with, "You're not STILL going are you?" "Mom, I'm looking at the S Koreans in the gate area. They don't look worried. So, yeah, I'm still going."

I went. I came back. It all worked out fine. Mom doesn't bug me much about travel anymore. :)

Posted by
7763 posts

I wish you a wonderful trip to The Netherlands - enjoy every moment! You are an adult and don’t need permission to go. Share your plan with someone outside your family as your emergency point person ( a co-worker?). And you aren’t obligated to tell them afterwards that you went on this trip.

Posted by
16185 posts

My mother was a professional worrier. She was so good at it I used to say she had a PhD in fear and worry and taught people at college level how to do it. Between that and my father's controlling issues, I realized after a few years of trying to please them I was making myself miserable. I started to do what I wanted and never looked back.

my typical loneliness / fear of interacting with people seems to dissappear or lessen a lot when traveling to other countries; maybe part of my brain likes the possibility of a language barrier..

No. You come out of your shell because you are away from your mother.

This is not a worry issue. This is a control issue. She is still trying to control her little baby by using guilt and her fears because it has worked in the past.

You have taken other trips with no problems. You went through the same issues with your mother. Stop worrying about pleasing mommy and learn to please yourself. We all at times do things our parents don't like. You have to decide if your life is your choosing or your mother's. I'm almost willing to bet that the more things you do for yourself without worrying about her reactions the less socially anxious you'll be.

Whose voice is in your head controlling what you do and how you react? Yours or your mother's?

Go to Holland, go to Belgium, go anywhere you want. Tell your parents, be prepared for the drama, and just like in the past, go.

Posted by
1684 posts

I still remember the day before a long business travel.
Me: mommy, tomorrow I am flying to Tokyo
Mother: go slowly!

Posted by
2768 posts

I don’t think there’s any need to tell them, but you may want to if you think about long term. As adults we don’t need to get approval from our parents to live as we see fit. But it sounds like you see them a lot, this isn’t a case of estrangement or distance. You want a good relationship with them, so lying isn’t a great idea. If you only talked to them monthly then just not telling would be easy - it didn’t come up, no lying just omission.

If you can tell them last minute with low detail (I’m going to Belgium tomorrow, will be home next Thursday, see you then) then that might be better. Maybe your eventual goal here should be having a better relationship where they respect your decisions and you all interact as adults. Lying and sneaking won’t help with that goal. Telling them your plans, no discussion, might.

I would make sure someone at home has a copy of your itinerary. Flight numbers and any hotels you have reserved ahead. A friend or co worker or someone. It’s just good practice for someone to know where we are when traveling alone.

Posted by
4591 posts

I know you will have a great trip. If you live in the same town as your parents, I would start thinking about finding a job a couple of hours away, if feasible. It sounds like your parents are too involved in your life.

Posted by
141 posts

Your struggle is not childish, but something that Some of us must confront at some point. I would not lie about the trip, but just not inform them unless they ask. Discuss with a counselor who can give better advice than the internet, and enjoy the rest of your adventures! And Perhaps gift them the Rick Steve’s DVDs so they can see foreign lands somewhere other than the news. :) knowledge reduces fear.

Regarding Being more open when traveling, my personal belief is that this is related to a basic human drive to connect with others. At home, we have social networks, and no matter how small/limiting/inadequate the network, that surpresses the drive more for some than others (myself included). However, when we travel alone, it brings this innate desire to the fore.

It is also liberating to be somewhere where no one knows you or your past, and does not have preset expectations. You can be true to yourself without external pressure from your existing social network. This is so liberating and empowering that you bring some of this back every time you travel and eventually the independence and confidence stick (as realize it was always with you).

Posted by
8920 posts

Mike, you've been doing pretty well with the traveling so far. Just keep following your instincts.

Posted by
2685 posts

Few if any of us are qualified to give you advice about your relationships with family members -- and those who are qualified wouldn't do so without meeting you personally.

I must echo what Dick (and others) said earlier - this forum is not a place to get advice that is best obtained from a professional, certified counselor or therapist. From this and prior posts, it appears that your anxiety and related family dynamics are significant. For your sake, and the sake of the enjoyment of your future travels, give your concerns the attention they deserve by seeking advice from qualified professionals that can help you constructively deal with the issues.

Posted by
1825 posts

By not telling you'd be depriving them of what is obviously something they like to obsess about. Their focus on you probably lets them take their mind off their real problems. The only real difference is how you let it affect yourself. If you can let them worry, not internalize it and still enjoy your travels than it doesn't matter. By not telling them, they will always worry that you might be going on a trip. Tell them a week ahead of time so you are off the hook and they can fixate on you for the week, then go ahead and have a good time. Based on all your posts in the past, traveling is probably really good for you.

Posted by
7053 posts

Mike, this is a lose-lose situation until you tackle the root of the problem once and for all. Either way, you are going to "feel" guilty because, the bottom line is that this is about guilt and how to escape it. If you do tell them (primarily your Mom and Aunt, since your Dad sounds pretty mellow), you'll feel guilty for disrespecting their wishes and not succumbing to their fears (you wrote as much when describing your prior trips, so the reaction and feelings are 100% predictable). On the other hand, if you don't tell them, you'll feel guilty for sneaking around and "acting" guilty by shielding what would otherwise be normal, welcome news about your pending travels. The point is that neither your Mom or your Aunt will likely change, so that means you have to.

I don't think there's any reason to sneak around because you're not doing anything wrong by your desire to keep traveling solo. Hiding and sneaking around is unhealthy and it puts you in the position of creating your own future guilt, which you will undoubtedly internalize. What you could do is be very frank and tell your Mom and Aunt that you want to be honest and upfront with them about your travels but, if they keep persisting in making you feel bad about it, you will strongly reconsider telling them about your plans in the future. And then stick to it. That way, they have an honest choice to make and the decision is in their court. But I am not sure how to get around the fact that, no matter what, any travel decision for you seems to really cause you major anguish and consternation. I think that professional counseling could help in this regard.

Posted by
9436 posts

Frank II, I’m coming to you if I need therapy, you hit the nail on the head with laser precision.

Posted by
136 posts

Mike, you've got to live your life. Find a good therapist who will help you deal with the boundary and family issues, as well as anxiety, that you're having. I don't make this suggestion lightly, btw. Your next trip is merely speculative, yet you're already worried about whether to give your family your itinerary; hence, the dilemma you note is not even about the trip. Therapy can be hard work, yes, but it will likely free you from the issues that you seem to be facing. I wish you the best!

Posted by
2538 posts

Your mother has irrational fears about travel that thankfully you have not adopted. Don’t let her issues hold you back. You have successfully travelled solo previously, and have every right to continue to do so. There should be no guilt in pursuing something that brings you joy and a sense of freedom.

I would plan the trip, including a taxi to the airport. Give a friend your itinerary. Call from the airport and let your mom know you’ll be out of town for 10 days and will share your adventures when you return. Tell her your friend has your itinerary in case of emergency. Then enjoy your trip.

Posted by
2748 posts

My two cents is that you should tell them when you have every thing already planned out and tickets bought . I think telling them the night before is not really fair to them and not telling them could backfire if either of them had health problems or the like. I also personally think it is something people do when they are teenagers not as adults. As an adult, you should feel free to make the decisions you want.

Realize that some people, including your relatives have views that are not entirely accurate. My mother in law was not happy when, her two sons and I (my husband and brother in law) went to Venice a few years ago. She was convinced that there were going to be problems with refuges. My brother in law joked about it when we were there, saying that we should tell mom that the refuges ate all the strudel.

I also would take Uber to the airport. Not worth saving money to hear again why what you are doing is a bad idea.

I would think of managing your mom and aunt. You won’t be the first to have to do so.

Posted by
8293 posts

I can’t help wondering how well the OP is taking all the advice offered. Please come back, Mike L, and tell whether or not any of it is helpful or even worth pondering.

Posted by
444 posts

Take your trip, have fun, and enjoy it! Belgium and the Netherlands are wonderful countries and very safe places to travel. I would tell your mother, but not until just before you leave. I don't like the idea of not telling her - while it might avoid some of the drama, your mom should know that you are taking a holiday somewhere and will be away for several days. Someone should know that you're going to be overseas and your rough itinerary.

Posted by
2021 posts

As a person who had a mother that freaked out when her 30 yr old daughter traveled solo to London. I urge you to tell her before you go so she knows. My mother pestered me for weeks about safety and lonilessness but my tickets were bought. We did make a deal that I would FaceTime or email her every night. A lot had to do with the fact that my mom had never traveled or lived alone so had no frame of reference. Once she saw that I had a great time she calmed down.
Just keep it up and let her know that this is what you are doing with your money.

Posted by
3456 posts

Plan the whole trip out first.
Buy all your airline tickets, and book your accommodation and any prebooked tours or entry fees.
Get good travel insurance.
Write out a detailed itinerary with contact numbers for where you are staying.
A week before you leave, let your Mum know you are off to Europe; give her the itinerary, and go home and pack.
Don't let her reaction sway you....remember you have it all bought and paid for, and are not changing your mind now.

Posted by
1032 posts

(I already talked to a psychologist about my social phobia, and growing up with volatile and eccentric parents, and so on. I do have an over-close relationship with my mother and I always told her everything I was planning to do. I would send my brother my itinerary and tell him my plans. My social anxiety might or might not have anything to do with travel. It seems to lessen when far away from home, for irrational or subconscious reasons; none of the people I meet far away from home will remember me - not the random other tourists, not the locals on the streets, not the staff who take my payment for museums, sites, food, tickets, and so on, not the employees at the airports and hotels, and probably not even other travelers I may coverse with in hostels, and so on)

(past replies my mother ha said include: ‘why do you keep telling me about your plans if you don’t like my response?!’ ... ‘look, I don’t want to keep hearing about your travel plans. If you don’t have the sense to not wander around in a strange place by yourself, I have nothing to say to you’ ... ‘what do you what me to say, oh, wow wee, its so wonderful that you are traveling to [name of a place] have a lovely time, I hope you come back alive and in one piece’... ‘I would be petrified to wander walk in a foreign city, alone’ ... ‘isn’t there a group tour you could take, just so you don’t have to go to a strange place alone’ ...)

(Yes perhaps it is messed up that I keep posting these kinds of embarrassingly hard to believe questions. Perhaps part of my brain derives some comfort finding out that there are other rational adults, who may even be my parents age and may even have kids my age or younger or older, who don’t think I am nuts for traveling alone. Obviously I probably already know how to handle my mother’s reactions and fear, and so on. I just want to see how similar what I think I will say or do is to what others may think I should say or do).

Posted by
546 posts

I am going to do something possibly unpopular here, cut through all the psycho-babble and just come right out and say it.

You are a grown man

You can go where you want When you want

With NO obligation to tel anyone

NOT telling someone is NOT lying. It is your own business and yes not even your Mothers or your Aunts.

So GO...do what you want when you want.

Posted by
8293 posts

Many of the posts say exactly the same thing, Mr Perry.

Posted by
14915 posts

Admittedly, I do have friends and acquaintances who think I am nuts traveling solo, all the more in this day and at my age. I have been doing just that ever since 1971, except those trips with family. These people themselves have no health/physical issues impairing them from going alone, and it is not a money question either but fear...all sorts of fear, ie, fear for safety, being lonely, looking stupid, confused, going to the wrong places, language communication, getting lost, pickpocket, scammed, and on and on.

There are distinct advantages going solo, as there are advantages of having someone around. It's a trade-off matter, whether you view the company of another person as paramount on the trip.

Apart from the seemingly safety concern, (and that's really stretching it), all of it is irrelevant. Getting lost, looking stupid, getting scammed, the loneliness factor, communication with locals, etc. etc....I couldn't care less about. I would not even bother with the psychologist.

Posted by
546 posts

Many of the posts say exactly the same thing, Mr Perry.

Yes but few do so quite so succinctly.

Posted by
136 posts

"Obviously I probably already know how to handle my mother’s reactions and fear, and so on. I just want to see how similar what I think I will say or do is to what others may think I should say or do)."

I have a couple family members who get anxious about my solo travel, and I respond to their concerns with "thanks, I'll be safe!" and that's that. If you don't know how to respond to your mother, then that's a boundary issue. I went on a trip with a cousin (baby boomer age) who has a similar boundary issue with her mother., which was just a couple hours from where my cousin lives. My cousin spent more time on the phone assuaging her mother's concerns about being outside their home city that I finally told her that her mother wasn't the third person on the trip. After that, she called her mother whenever I was out of earshot. (I figured that out, but it was no longer my concern because I didn't have to hear it.)

I'm not sure what type of response you're seeking from this forum. Maybe Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post would be a better person to pose your question to?

Posted by
4183 posts

To me those comments from your mom sound controlling, glass-half-empty, aggressive, guilt-trip-inducing, fear-mongering and belittling. They seem belittling because I see a flavor of "you're not capable of doing this" both directly and between the lines.

You can't control what she thinks or says, but you definitely can control your reaction. To tell or not to tell is totally up to you, but I don't see it as an easy binary decision. Based on those comments, I can see justification for both options.

I'll turn 73 next month, definitely old enough to be your mom. I'm a retired librarian. I've had itchy feet and an insatiable curiosity my whole life.
I love being on my own in a place where I know no one and can't understand the language.

I was an only child. Luckily, I was raised to be very independent and to take care of myself in every way. Whatever trepidations my folks may have had about my little adventures they kept to themselves. But, and this is a big but, I almost always kept them informed about where I was going and what I was doing.

If you do have an honest and heartfelt discussion with your mom about how much you enjoy your travels and what a downer it is when she's so negative, you can find many examples on the Forums of people, male and female, who travel on their own or who have kids who are doing that.

I'm probably older than your mom. I was 31 when I went to Europe the first time. It was that late not due to lack of desire, but rather due to lack of money. (Librarian, remember?) Single woman, alone, 1977-78, 4 months, no Schengen, pre-everything electronic. I called my mom twice (from phones in the post office) and sent postcards regularly. Four years later I moved to Germany to manage 3 libraries in the Nuremberg Military Community.

I've been married to my current husband for 30 years. He decided to stop traveling in 2015. I went back to traveling solo again in 2016.

For the last 2 years I've done RS tours with extra time added totally on my own. I'll do the same in 2019. Doing the tours is not because I'm scared. It's because the itineraries include things I wouldn't even think of. My husband's so laid back about me traveling by myself that I had to force him to renew his passport in case he had to come to Europe for me.

As others recommended, you need to inform someone of your itinerary, your travel insurance coverage and any other information they might require to help you, especially related to medical issues. Signing up with the STEP program is a good idea, too.

Posted by
451 posts

I agree with Cindy and jehb. This was my case. My mom would freak out. My dad did not care. My mom would make it a living hell because of her worrying. He came to me and told me not to tell her, just him. He would provide cover for me, say he talked to me and all is well. I was emailing him frequently about my trip.

The travel is for you. I think you dad and aunt are similar to mine. Just let him know and he would be ok with it.

Posted by
9200 posts

You know, you might want to tell your family that though you want them to know where you are going if their reactions are going to be so horrid, you won't tell them anymore. I doubt they will change, as they are set in their ways, but now you have given them a heads up about how it will be from now on and you can proceed forward with any plans you might have with no more guilt feelings. Thex need to own their own fears.

Did something happen to your mom to make her so fearful? My guess is yes. Perhaps at a young age, either she or a close friend must have had some kind of trauma to make her be so controlling. This is not normal behavior for a parent and it is sad she has passed this on to you in so many different ways.
Having read many of your other posts, especially your very first posts on here, about your fears of not getting any healthy food in Europe, fears of ethnic food especially (you can't make Mexican food without Cumin and you can't make Indian food without Turmeric) Have you even tried authentic foods, or is this something else that your mom has told you to be fearful of?

Glad you are taking baby steps and moving the boundaries for yourself as adults need to do. Happy traveling. (come walk the Camino some day, for a great solo trip)

Posted by
2768 posts

I also would suggest a taxi to the airport even if you do tell your family. Does Uber or lyft go to your airport? These are often cheaper than a taxi. If not then there probably are car services you can arrange ahead for cheaper.

Regardless it would be worth it to get to the airport without your family. You don’t need the last minute guilt trips and they don’t need the reminder. If they want to pick you up at the end and you are ok with that then fine. They will see you are alive, and maybe not be as panic ridden.

Posted by
14915 posts

Certainly, in the 1970s there were advantages to pre-electronic traveling in Germany, as there are now. Compared to traveling nowadays in numerous aspects, traveling solo for newbies is far, far easier. Rail travel zipping from place to place was much easier.

Posted by
1673 posts

I think I have the solution for you. Here's what to do. First, trot on down to your local bookshop and buy two books on Iceland, one each for your busybody mum and aunt. Better still, nick the books from the library you work in (temporarily, of course, I'm not encouraging any unlawful action on your part). If your boss suspects that something shifty is going on, make up a plausible story about late returns from the usual suspects.

Present the books to your mum and aunt. Tell them, firmly but in a nice way, that you intend on visiting Iceland next year. Make a big show of it, perhaps spoil them with a cup of tea and a chocolate eclair to go with it. Show them the natural beauty of Iceland in photos, all the time emphasising how safe it is to visit - don't mention the volcanoes though. Tell them things like, "Mum, aunty, it says here that Iceland is the safest country in the world, it's even safer than Detroit." That should settle their nerves somewhat.

Then, come the day of departure, treat yourself to a luxury limousine with a cocktail bar and the full works, under the pretence that you are picking up four travel companions en route, who happen to be Trappist Monks on a sabbatical. Once at the airport, crafty as a fox who came first in his craftiness course at Cambridge, you sneak off to the Netherlands on your own. Wander the back streets of Amsterdam with a chunk of change in your pockets, it will be money well spent.

If you need any more advice, let me know.

Posted by
5398 posts

Lol Gundersen. This is why we need a like button.