Looking for ideas: leaving an anxious spouse home while traveling

Does he know how to use a cell phone/text? My father is same age and though very slow, he's able to maneuver around their smart phone ok. If not, get him started now so he's comfortable with it by November. Having a way to call if he needs help, plus having an easy way for you to check in often/daily, could help with some of the worry.

If your dad is anything like mine, he might take offence to being "checked on" every day even if he is worried about being alone. So make sure whatever trusted friend/neighbor or service you ask to check each day is a welcomed distraction rather than a sore spot. Also consider talking to him about the specific worries about being alone (e.g., falling) to identify solutions that actually address the worry (e.g. medic alert).

Get him an Apple Watch. If he falls, it will immediately call 911 and it's much cooler than the alert buttons. And it won't have to worry about finding it the way he would the phone.

something will happen while he's home alone

To be clear, he is worried about himself, not something happening to the three of you?

The good news is that most seniors face the issues you describe after the passing of their spouse. They are inundated with friends and family, and then suddenly, they are home alone.

My suggestion is to plan for at least two or three actives for him with friends or family while you are traveling. A favorite restaurant, coffee with the boys, maybe a museum or movie. These visitor can include young adult grandchildren. They can order dinner in and have some alone time with their grandfather.

Taken at face value, your situation sounds different from the typical scenario where an elder needs support due to a physical or cognitive deficit. Typical interventions in those cases run the gamut from a senior living respite, to a live-in, to some network of caregivers/technology.

Your situation really requires a core buy-in from Dad. He has to feel comfortable with the plan or you're just amping up the anxiety.

Does Dad have a trusted friend or a family member who could take a vacation and stay over for a week. Maybe two people split time? Would your Dad like to take a vacation to stay with cousin ____ in Arizona for a week? Would Dad prefer to "suck it up" at home with some sort of technology that provides security for him. If his concern is falling unattended, then an Apple Watch or medic alert pendant might set his mind at ease. If it's some other thing, you can talk through a different solution. My point is I would try to involve your Dad in the decision

I might also suggest some talk therapy if he's amenable. Maybe with a therapist with a few miles on the odometer. It might give you an all a better idea of the core issues and it might help his baseline anxiety.

Good luck. Feel free to DM me. I have worked in this space for decades.

We had the same situation. For several years, any announcement by us of a proposed trip was met with "what ifs" and induced guilt. That was even though a sibling was in town and fully capable and willing of taking care of anything. In their mind, no strangers or life alert could substitute for family being there if something bad happens. We called often enough while traveling that the parent didn't feel totally abandoned. FaceTime/Skype/etc., would have been a good idea if the parent had access. We also notified the local police precinct who promised to drive by and check more often.

I dont have a good suggestion for you, other than take the trip anyway. I would guess he's lived through some challenges in his life before, and the time will go by quickly.

Thanks, everyone. These are all really helpful suggestions and definitely giving me some things to think about.

To answer a couple of questions, yes, his concern is about something happening to him while he's home alone, not about us while we're traveling. Part of what has changed is that he's had a few health issues over the past year that have understandably made him less confident about being home alone.

He does have a cell phone and knows how to use it, so we'll definitely be checking in regularly. Unfortunately, there are no grandchildren :-). Many of his longtime neighbors have passed away over the last couple of years, so his local support network isn't what it used to be.

I especially appreciate the comments about involving him in whatever plan we come up with. I think that's probably an important part of helping him feel more comfortable.

Carrie--I hope you can find something that will work for him and put him at ease. When my dad's wife would travel for meetings, either myself or my brother would go stay with him and basically "dad sit". He too was anxious and it would not have gone over well to be left alone. Is there anyone that could stay with him? I wish you the best with this as it is a tough road to go down.

One thing that helps is frequent communication. Send home a picture or email 2-3 times a day and have him acknowledge receiving it. Pay your provider’s ridiculous fees so that him calling you overseas isn’t any more complicated than when you are at home.

He fears something happening and no one noticing he needs help. Assure him you will have communication systems in place so any problems will be noticed.

Some retirement homes will do short stays. Food would be provided and people are around. Perhaps he would enjoy that? My friend did recently with her father, he had more health issues I think than your father and needed reminders for medication, but it went very well, and was a relief for both of them.

I live very close to my nonagenarian mother, and call and/or visit her daily. A couple of years ago, when my sister accompanied me on my second trip to Scotland, we as a family arranged for my brother to stay in my apartment while we were gone. He kept her company, provided whatever she might need, and made sure she took her medication on schedule. It gave all of us peace of mind to have him there.

At the same time, I had my longtime cat sitter making twice-daily visits to feed and medicate my then-17-year-old cat so that my brother could keep his focus on my mom. This brings me to another thought: Do your parents have any pets? If so, perhaps daily visits from a trusted sitter might provide your dad with some reassuring human contact while your mom is away.

If someone has separation anxiety like this, I think moving to a senior community is a good solution. Senior living facilities expand the social network of seniors and offer a sense of security.

Thanks, everyone. These are all really helpful suggestions and definitely giving me some things to think about. I've shared your responses with my sister, and they've given us a lot to think about as we figure out how to approach this with our parents. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share your ideas.

If your Dad were able to travel with you what would he like to see? Try to take some pictures that would interest him and send them and try to make him part of the trip. Keep it light, fun and interesting. Time will fly by for him if he feels he is along for the ride.

If he is interested in WWII, be sure to go to the Churchill War Rooms and take a lot of pics. That is a great place.. Line up some videos about London he can watch as well each day. Enjoy your trip. I am sure all will be well.

You've already gotten many good suggestions. Here are a couple more.

Plan on a specific time each day where you will call him. You can word it as a travel update, instead of a dad update. I think you all will enjoy that.

My parents (87 and 89) are now in a phase of life where they are needing more and more assistance in living independently (I live several states away). Several years ago, we started using an agency (there are many) that will send out a person (the same person each time) for a 4-hour time period to do whatever is needed (as long as it's not nursing care), for as many days as were wanted. In the beginning, the person came once a week and mostly played cards with my parents, which they loved. Now, she does a lot more, but they know her and like spending time with her. This may either be a short-term or long-term option for you with your dad.

To have your dad go to another location while you're in London, I would be concerned may cause him more issues, because he won't be in his familiar location. My suggestion would be a solution within their home.

I leave my husband at home when I go solo - he is the opposite of anxious, but just in case, I leave an itinerary on the fridge.

It includes:
the airline, their customer service ##, my frequent flyer #, full itinerary for flight, etc.

all of my hotel info - physical address, phone, website
If i have train tickets, that is added too
Other itinerary if needed (depends on the trip, but I will put ticket info I've pre purchased, especially if out of town)
Closest embassy/consulate in country is added
Time difference
When I will actually be home

I also have T Mobile cell service so we talk at least once/day and I text him with all major updates (arrived at airport, boarding flight, landed, etc)

Have you considered one of those life/fall alert bracelets for your dad?

Does your dad have someone who comes in and cleans for him now? My parents became very attached to the two different cleaning people they had. My mother even hired one to come extra to be around with my dad when she had a procedure done. Now she wasn’t good at sitting still so the fridge got a good clean out! But she was a familiar person around.

Thanks again, everyone. I really appreciate all the thoughtful suggestions.

My sister and I are going to put together all of the suggestions and have an initial discussion with our parents next weekend to gauge their reaction. Hopefully, that will give us a better idea of what might make him feel more comfortable.

Ask him to call/text a "good morning" every morning. Call/text him a "good night" every evening.

No checking. Just what you always do, when you are together.