How to get over not feeling welcome as a tourist?

Can you elaborate on the “no picnics?”

I’m sorry you feel this way about Switzerland. I visited for the first time in 2021 and have been back 3 times since then. I appreciate the fact that the people are more reserved. I’ve always found everyone to be very nice and helpful, but they’re not overly chatty. I consider that a plus.

I understand how the culture and people can affect your trip. I had a more difficult time in Italy than I did in Switzerland. My personality is more suited for a place like Switzerland.

I hope you’ve just had a few isolated incidents and the rest of your trip will improve.

You don't give any specific examples of not feeling welcome so I'm not sure what you're getting at. Is it the people working in the tourist industry such as hotel workers that are indifferent or were you expecting random people on the street to be excited that they have an American tourist in their midst?

I'm curious about the picnics as well.

It's been a few years (pre-Covid) since I was in Switzerland and my most recent travel has been in France, Netherlands and lately England for 3.5 weeks. I've felt very welcomed.

In fact in Northern England people were so chatty I needed to give myself a bit more time to get back to my tour meet ups, lol. In Windsor at a sung Holy Eucharist in the evening a lady from a group from Bath sat next to me and chatted so much on the way out I thought her group was going to leave her, lol. She gave me her name and address and told me to call her if I was ever in Bath, lol.

I also think the perspective of some people being more reserved is apt. Sometimes I think reserved cultures don't quite know how to respond to our American "openness" . I am not really a "dog" person but I feel like many times Americans (me in particular) are Golden Retrievers or Labs....open, friendly and just happy to be where they are. I can't help smiling when I'm in Europe!

It won’t help you now, but before I travel to a new country, I read up on the culture so I have an idea of what to expect. There’s a line of books, you can buy on Amazon, called “Culture Smart x country” These are pretty general, but a quick read and do give you an idea of what to expect.

Here’s the one for Switzerland:

https://www.amazon.com/Switzerland-Culture-Smart-Essential-Customs/dp/1787028607/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1XR6QSBFX1WK3&keywords=culture+smart+switzerland&qid=1685825689&s=books&sprefix=cultrue+smart+switzerland%2Cstripbooks%2C106&sr=1-1

Hate to say this but maybe it says more about you than the locals. You are correct in that your experience doesn't make sense to us. We have traveled close to year in Europe over the past nearly 40 years. I can think of a couple of times when someone was not particularly welcoming but it was a short lived contact. In generally we find most people to be warm and welcoming. We even found the French to be friendly except for one border guard. And we have had some wonderful, unexpected engagements with locals in bars and restaurants. But it could be our personalities. We both in public education so we tend to be more out going. Also, I have served in elected public positions so I was always looking for an extra vote. I am retired now and not standing for an elected position but am still looking for votes. Old habit.

PS --- Going out on a limb. Went back a read some of your previous questions. I am forming a picture where you many have set for yourself some unrealistic expectations. And (limb is getting longer) maybe a bit rigid with your expectations. A little more relaxed attitude may be helpful. Without good examples of what you think is unwelcoming, it is hard to have a good explanation. Someone up thread referred to chatty Americans -- probably us looking for that vote.

I hope Scandinavia isn't on your bucket list. If so, go totally for the scenery. They don't do small talk..and often don't meet your gaze. For that matter, neither do the Swiss. Think of these places as the country equivalent to Joe Friday, "Just the facts ma'am". It isn't meant to be personal or about you at all.
I think Rick puts too much emphasis on hanging out chatting up the locals. I am an older solo woman traveler. There is no way I could pull off what Rick does. You can bet local women my age don't act that way and as a global traveler, it has been very hard to unlearn my Canadian direct gaze, smile and sense of gender equality by chatting with a man. It is taken wrong too frequently.
So don't over think it. You may have still underestimated the local shift. I am surebyou want to feel you have salvaged the rest of your trip, so instead of thinking of the negatives and imagined slights, start a list of all the great and positive things every day brings you.

We loved Switzerland and took their scenic trains all around the country. Glorious trip! I was glad to have done research on their local customs…mostly thru Rick Steve’s. When on a few cogwheel type trains going up beautiful mountains….people would open train wndows for pictures. The resident Swiss on train would quickly say no…no open windows. Had I not read before they believe drafts cause colds and illness. Those tourists did not know or understand this and were so put off! I honestly remember my German immigrant grandparents warning “those drafts will get you.” They also were kind and loving…but few hugs or words of love…and way more reserved than me!

If you've ben to more Southern countries like Spain and Italy, Germanic countries can be a bit of a shock. Instead of the gregarious welcome, most Germans are polite but want to keep their distance. Part of that is customs-Germans think it's weird that we ask questions to total strangers. But the other part is Germans are worried about saying the wrong thing-unless they are drunk when anything goes. I think Germanic countries don't realize the stiffness until they live in other countries and come back to Germany.

And yes even the Germans/Swiss complain about the rude customer service. The point is that don't let them make you feel bad. Enjoy the chocolate, clean cities and excellent transport. I thought I scored a victory when the Berlin supermarket cashier that I had seen everyday final spoke a few words to me the last day of me visit. After I had said hello to her every day.

You have to have a thick skin in Germanic countries. Enjoy Munich.

Edited to add. My German great grandparents were the same way. They showed their love with food, but not many hugs or I love you.

Hi Chris, sorry your trip isn’t going the way you hoped. Maybe it’s just the general degradation of customer service and friendliness following Covid. Please provide more info on the “no picnic” thing.

The picnic thing likely needs to be off a foot trafficked area and not a big spread or production? We certainly saw people eating food outside on benches etc. Curious too what your experience was?!

Didn't know about the no picnicking law in Switzerland, as we've done that several times without incident, and we were far from alone among the Swiss.

If you're looking for warmer, friendlier, and engaging people, go to Ireland or Liverpool. If colder and more reserved is your thing, then Scandinavia.

What does "no picnics" in Switzerland mean ?

I've been to Switzerland several times, and always left with good vibes and wanting to return. Sorry you're not having the same experience.
Safe travels !

OP, I think there is a good deal of projecting and overthinking going on. And a lack of understanding of interactions amongst strangers in different cultures. The American habits of big smiles, glad handing, and 'hi, how ya doin'' is very off putting in places where it is customary to be reserved but polite towards strangers. They are not going to be your new best buddy just because you are eating in their Cafe, buying something in their store, or sitting beside you in a bar. It's not a matter of your not being welcome in their country (unless you do something objectionable). Just accept that this reserve is customary, be polite, and don't try to be overly friendly or personal, which can be interpreted as being intrusive.

I generally see "no picnic" signs at restaurants with outdoor decks, especially on the mountain. They are obviously for patrons, but enough clueless tourists park on the seats and then pull the sandwiches out of their day packs for lunch that they feel they have to put up signs.

I believe you are overthinking it. We found the Swiss to be very nice and helpful in a very subdued manner. As for the "No Picnics" signs, we see those mainly in areas where people try to bringing in their own food and using their facilities.

For giggles, and because I find his videos helpful, I just looked at the Wolters World "the Don't of Switzeland. He makes a couple of points that are pertinent to this discussion

https://youtu.be/KsVY4FBIRdg

"not feeling welcome" when I am visiting there makes no difference to me. Basically, not important.

I've not been to Switzerland but practically all over Germany, if that's any difference, west, east, south, north, central, etc. I don't get that sense of the "unwelcome" feeling whether in small towns, urban centers, villages, totally non-tourist cities, where even the locals avoid, eg, Frankfurt an der Oder.

I think many have stated what their experiences have been in Switzerland. Most of the time hotel personnel are usually friendly and helpful. The local on the street isn't looking to make friends with tourists and neither do we in the US. Keep in mind they have thousands of tourists roaming their streets, buses and trains and they are more than likely annoyed day in and day out unless you are a customer of some sort.

I think someone mentioned RS videos in which Rick is laughing and chatting with locals. Keep in mind the people he chats with are either long term acquaintances or business owners looking for some exposure of promotion. In some cases they are paid people to perform or be part of his background. Don't try to engage the average person on the street. Look for assistance in shops, restaurants or hotels.

The only thing that may get a raised eyebrow is loudness. Americans tend to talk loudly and far away from each other. We are also loud while talking on the phone.

Everyone is hoping you will tell about your "no picnic" experience because many of us have not experienced that problem. Enjoy the sites and beautiful scenery in Switzerland and Germany. Enjoy the rest of your trip.

I have been to Switzerland 4 times since 2018.

I only have seen the no picnic signs at outdoor cafeteria style restaurants in the mountains and I took it to mean the picnic tables are for customers of the restaurant and not a public park for a picnic.

Similar to others I prefer locals to not ask me any questions and I only ask for directions or the check; I do the same even when I travel in the USA. The only exception is at jazz festivals, since we are all there generally for the love of the music.

If you like to talk to locals in Europe, I found the Hungarians open.

I find France, Switzerland, Italy, Belgium, The Netherlands, England, and Scotland to be very friendly. I did not find Germany to be friendly at all. As others have said, stop focusing on people’s behavior and just focus on all the good things in Switzerland… and there’s a lot. I absolutely love Murren and found the people to be very warm and friendly. The walks, the scenery, the views are all beyond fantastic. Focus on that.

Yes, there is a definite difference in how quickly you move into another's space with northern Europeans. Discretion is the word.
Edit:
But, that prepaid gondola-dinner cancelation would have sent me into orbit. That is a big deal. I think you were more than gracious not coming here yelling scam and and giving the name of the company. That's classy. I hope they were able to make it up to you.

On the other hand, you sound like a mom who takes failures and successes upon yourself. A lot of us have been there. LOL. I read Carolyn Hax's daily column to remind me that not everything is my responsibility even if I'm a mom and grandma.

Thank you for all the replies and I completely understand those who are saying, essentially, "Maybe it's you." It's a valid observation.

First, the "No picnics!" issue has come up in multiple places while in Switzerland (I've photographed the signs because it's amusing at this point) where, essentially, if you're not buying something from the immediate location you're standing where there's a sign like that, you should not plop down and take a load off. No relaxing or getting your bearings or using those seats or benches to have yourself a snack. The first time was in the train station in Luzern. It was in the middle of the open thoroughfare where there were tables and chars set up underneath an escalator. My family had no idea it belonged to the cafe some distance away. The person was very nice when they asked us to either buy something or leave after we were sitting there a while. So, after that, we were very keen on seeing whether there was any signage asking for there to be "No picnics" (there are a lot of those signs here in Murren). Still, as I've said, I get it, I understand, and am trying to roll with everything that pops up.

As well, and I should probably have mentioned this as well, I'm incredibly introverted. I don't get out much, I'm a people-pleaser (that whole American as a Labrador coming through), and I genuinely don't want to upset anyone. Also, I haven't left the country since 2002. Since then, I've had a family, and bringing four other people who get to enjoy everything without ever having to plan anything maybe is a little stressful.

However, being someone who just enjoys to observe people and can pick up on subtle emotional cues fairly quick (if I had only one super power that would be it) I've had the pleasure to meet lots of wonderful people. Our guide in Auschwitz who does tours and was with us for six hours was a delight. Same thing for our guide in Oskar Schindler's factory in Poland. Here in Switzerland we've had great experiences with people as well but after a couple of incidents (one involved something our daughters were looking forward to, eating fondue in a gondola in Grindlewald, and that I paid for months beforehand only to have them tell us after they got dressed up that they gave away our reservation to someone else) I'm sure it's perhaps just me not being able to cope that there are going to be speedbumps.

And, no, I wouldn't want anyone to roll out any emotional red carpet for an American. If anything, I'm just trying to blend in with the local culture and to not bring any attention to myself. I've already seen behavior from other tourists from other countries that I absolutely abhor (i.e. rushing to get into a train before everyone has a chance to exit) and, like someone else said, maybe I've watched too much of Rick's videos (haha) and I've subconsciously think that should be the way it is.

So, apologies for the length of the post. I just don't travel like many of you do. It's taken me over a decade to afford this trip and I know the intended purpose, to show my girls a world and culture outside of their own and that the world can be a wonderful place and to get a little bit of that wanderlust that I've always had but never could afford to satisfy. Who knows, maybe it's because no matter how hard I try I look and sound like a tourist in a tourist town with dozens of other tourists taking over these people's village that there may be some natural friction.

Thank you, once more, for everyone who responded. I didn't think my post would get any reaction other than "Get over it, chump" but I appreciate all of your perspectives. :)

Thanks for coming back to provide more detail. I think I know the chairs/tables you are referring to at the Luzern train station. It is a little difficult to know if those are public seating or belong to one of the local businesses near them. If you walk further down to where the coop grocery store is, there is some general seating that you can use. But it can be a little confusing if you’re unfamiliar and first time there of course your unfamiliar.

But the outside tables that are well, outside, you can’t sit there unless you purchase food from the business. The same would be true here in the U.S. I can’t walk up to my local restaurant and sit down and start eating a sandwich that I brought. Switzerland does have a lot of public benches that anyone can use. These usually don’t have a table, so that’s one way to help decide if they are public or not.

Traveling to a new country is definitely stressful and it’s expected to have some things go not according to plan. I have a hard with that as well as I’m a huge planner. But despite all my research, something always pops up that I didn’t know about. You just have to try and go with the flow and not take what anyone says personally. Even if you’re embarrassed, just think, “at least I’ll never see them again.”

I leaned pretty quickly that people know I’m an American tourist before I even open my mouth. I’ve come to accept this. I am a tourist. Why should I be ashamed of that? I’m polite and do the best I can to follow the local customs. I think that’s all anyone can expect.

Hope you have a great rest of the trip!!

I'm Irish by birth and Swiss by choice. I have lived in Switzerland for over three decades and I have to say your post makes no sense to me!

Lets start with this 'No Picnics' statement, as you provide no examples of what you mean, I can only make assumptions... All local Swiss tourists picnic when they are out and about - a bottle of wine, some bread, cheese, cold meats etc. And it is common at tourist sites, parks and on trains. So I can't see that being an issue for anyone. What is not acceptable and some places even find it necessary to spell it out, is having a picnic in a restaurant or loading up at the breakfast buffet for a lunch time snack.

You say that: 'I'm using their language when appropriate", but I very much doubt this because it's very rare to find a Swiss person working in the service area in a tourist trap. They are mainly all Eastern European so French, Italian and German are not their languages, in fact sometimes their command of the local language is very limited, but it does not matter in the tourist areas. If you were to frequent the local joints I do, you would meet Swiss servers and in the German speaking part that means Swiss dialects, so again - German is not their language. I'd advise you to use English, speak slowly and clearly rather than attempt to use a foreign language - it is easier for them when they are in a rush rather than have to go through the pain and delay of trying to understand a foreigner attempting to speak a language they don't know.

Now I have spend several months over the years touring in the US and the one thing I find very annoying is the behaviour of staff in the service industry. They are continuously hovering around, interrupting your enjoyment of a meal with friends, begging for tips etc... You won't find that in most of Europe because that is not how we like to live. Service staff are paid reasonable salaries and while tips are expected, they are small and certainly won't impact the way you are served. We expect staff to take our order, disappear, returning only when the course is ready and not again until it is time to settle the bill. If you have a problem or need something else you attract the attention of the server not the other way around. Now if you see that as being unfriendly or unhelpful, then sorry, but that is who we like it.

Generally speaking Swiss people are polite, helpful and above all respect your privacy and they won't stick their nose into your affairs and expect you to do the same. That means if you ask for help you can fully expect it will be provided, but don't expect them to strike up a conversation with you or give you unsolicited advice, it's not common. Swiss people are not particularly friendly, but in their lives they have room for about seven or eight genuine friends and by the time they are in their thirties most of those slots are filled, so they are not really in the market for making new friends, especially the transient type as we do in the Anglo Sphere world.

I'm sorry you are not having a good experience, but perhaps if you give us specific examples we can give you a better perspective on life in Europe and what to expect.

I only have seen the no picnic signs at outdoor cafeteria style restaurants in the mountains and I took it to mean the picnic tables are for customers of the restaurant and not a public park for a picnic.

Exactly! And as far as the seats at the Luzern train station - you yourself said that it was restaurant seating. Would you be welcome to bring a picnic lunch into a restaurant in the US?

What I love about Switzerland is that there are sooo many benches; at viewpoints, along hiking trails, in parks, all over. I always bring a picnic lunch and have yet been unable to find a comfortable place to eat it, and that is after five years of living here.

If you want to complain about something, I am sure that there lots of good examples, no place is perfect, but not being able to eat your picnic lunch in a restaurant’s outdoor seating is not one of them. 😅

I think what’s happening is that you do not feel comfortable, because you’re in a strange place and you don’t instinctively understand the rules and social norms, and you’re interpreting that as feeling unwelcome.

This is a once in a lifetime trip for you and expectations therefore run very high, to a point that they will never be met. I think this can be exacerbated if you follow RS. He may lead you to think the experience will be genuinely life changing (which it may be for some people but that’s a high bar for a trip) rather than just fun.

Thanks for coming back with a few more explanations and to let us know if we are helping or not. I picked up on the mention that this is a big trip for you and your family, so I suspect you are projecting your anxiety when things are not perfect for your family. I bet you also planned it all, so you feel a double burden. Life is not easy for those loving people pleasers of the world. Hang in there.

I have been to Switzerland 3 times and never felt unwelcome. I have never been there as an American tourist but as an Aussie tourist.
I could just about write a book on all the great interactions I have had there. Probably not relevant though.
I should mention I have had a picnic style lunch nearly every day I have spent in Switzerland. They have almost always been on a bench in magnificent alpine countryside.

My thought is you are probably trying too hard. Just be yourself and don't worry about how they view you. They know you are a tourist. Be polite and courteous. If you get a chance to engage do so but realise they probably don't want to be your best mate.
As previously mentioned many low income jobs are filled by non Swiss. So other cultural factors may be involved when engaging with them.

Many Americans live in US towns and regions where "outward friendliness" with strangers and newcomers is routine. It's not uncommon for travelers to these places to be bowled over by BIG smiles, immediate openness regarding personal matters, or invitations to share a meal or activity with someone from locals. "Southern hospitality" on the part of locals who want to show pride in their town and welcome everyone who wanders into it... this really is an American thing here and there, and it exists in places outside the South as well.

But it's certainly NOT like this all across America. And it's probably rarer yet in Germany and Switzerland, especially in the typical tourist destinations, even the small ones that Rick Steves promotes. People there typically reserve outwardly-friendly behavior for their REAL friends. And there's nothing about the numerous Americans walking around even a small town like Bacharach with their Rick Steves guidebooks which would cause locals to treat these tourists as family or their best friends.

I am guessing that maybe you come from one of those super-friendly American subcultures - and that you're expecting to be treated in Europe as you might treat strangers at home.

OP…chrisstipp…you did an excellent job explaining yourself and your perspective. It’s a hard and uncomfortable way to learn things in a foreign place through our mistakes of cultural differences. My guess is we all have! Especially difficult when it involves your family also.
When we travel next month with our 3 gen family….I have concerns about 9 yr old granddaughter often needs a restroom. And oh how very different they can be!!
I have been the planner in chief. It’s what I love to do. We have travelled before as a family unit. So we try to be prepared. Big part is communicating. But going to Europe will put us to the test.
I hope OP you can see past these dissapointments and find the joy and beauty I know Switzerland offers!!

How to get over it? Don't measure your success by the number of friendly encounters you have. You're seeing indifference, not resentment. As I heard in a sexual harassment training once, "don't mistake a casual business interaction for an invitation to be friends". Many cultures value respect and politeness over "friendliness" and learning that, and how to participate in that environment, is part of the challenge of travel.

And as far as the seats at the Luzern train station - you yourself said that it was restaurant seating.

It sounds like the seating area was some distance away from a restaurant and not readily apparent who owned the seating - it was only after a server came by an said whoa up there.
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The relationship between Europeans at home and travelling Americans has been tenuous over the years - the miasma continues in many corners.

This post reminded me of a brief train trip in Switzerland, from Luzern to Basel. A very friendly Swiss women was seated next to us, and she almost immediately started talking to us. Her husband was across the aisle, and at one point the woman laughed heartily at something he said (not in English). She told us that he said "their English is very good!" She then told him we were from the US. I guess we didn't look like tourists from the US to him. They were part of a hiking group from Basel, ages maybe 60's or so. We regretted that the train trip was rather brief; we would have loved to chat more with her.

“Here in Switzerland we've had great experiences with people as well but after a couple of incidents (one involved something our daughters were looking forward to, eating fondue in a gondola in Grindlewald, and that I paid for months beforehand only to have them tell us after they got dressed up that they gave away our reservation to someone else) I'm sure it's perhaps just me not being able to cope that there are going to be speedbumps.”

I was trying to copy and paste the part of your post about making reservations for your daughters to eat fondue in a gondola? I don’t understand this, did they refund your money? But eating fondue in a gondola? I’m trying to understand. I hope you are feeling more comfortable now that you have learned some of the nuances of being a guest in another country.

I think the others have gave you a good indication of the different versions of friendliness. Although I like Rick, sometimes I think he gives people false hope that every European will want to be your friend and invite you to share a table. But that is a problem with all TV travel programs. Most of the friends are picked by the producers and who wouldn't want to be on TV. Real life is different.

I'm with those who say that probably a lot of your feelings are built on trying to make things perfect for your family and also setting up high expectations of how you expected to feel when you got there.

I completely understand wanting to make things perfect. I generally travel solo but the few times I've traveled with friends, I got so anxious that everything go right for them that it diminished my enjoyment of the trip. I eventually got over it to a certain extent when I realized they were fine with the little bumps in the journey. So expect that things that go wrong occasionally, but learn to laugh about it. It does help.

I recently mentioned this in another post, but on my first trip to England, I lost my passport, and all my credit cards and money in London. I spent almost the whole day going between the American Embassy and the AMEX office to get a new passport and money. At the end of it, I decided I wasn't going to let it bother me, so I went out, had a nice dinner (with lots of wine), then went on a pub walk, and saw the Ceremony of they Keys. I should mention I was pleasantly toasted by the end of the evening - alcohol does help. :) But I still remember that day with fondness and laugh about it now. It wound up turning into a very fun day.

I have also found in my decades of travel that sometimes a place is not the be all and end all I wanted it to be. I felt that way when I went to Greece - I had been wanting to visit there for so long but had unrealistic expectations of what it would be like. It was hard - there wasn't a lot of public transportation where I was staying in Crete, and I also found that the Greeks' idea of customer service is very different than Americans. So overall it was not my favorite place.

But I learned from it, and had an incredible time when I left Greece for Italy. Sometime it is just the place - just like there is a chemistry between two people, there can be a chemistry (or lack thereof) between a person and a location.

Chrisstipp...Please ignore the tones of some of these responses. Some here get defensive of their favorite parts of Europe and Switzerland is usually high on most people's list. You haven't committed any major crimes and if we would all admit it, we have made some travel faux pas as well.

I remember my very first trip to Europe. I had a Eurail Pass (Oh No!) and jumped on a train from Amsterdam to Belgium. Well, it turned out to be a Thalys train and a very short, snotty, French conductor proceeded to lecture me that "you just can't jump on any train, this is a Thalys train!" He spoke in English and I understood I had done something wrong, but had no idea what a "Thalys Train" was at the time. I pulled money out of my pocket and said rather curtly, "how much do you need?". He mumbled something in French to another employee who must have been a trainee or assistant and the assistant said, "50 euros". I said, "sorry about this" and the assistant says, "it happens often". Smiled, took the money, gave me a ticket and chased down Mr. Snotty.

I was wrong, but naïve about the Eurail pass use and Thalys. The conductor behaved as a donkey, but those experiences didn't spoil France for me later in my trip.

My advice, enjoy the sights and sounds on the remainder of your trip and just roll with whatever happens. Trips are never perfect.

PS to all here asking about Fondue in a Gondola. I think it was this place. https://www.belvedere-grindelwald.ch/en/restaurant/fondue-gondola/

Obviously, the hotel screwed up. Too bad for the disappointed kids.

Sometime it is just the place - just like there is a chemistry between
two people, there can be a chemistry (or lack thereof) between a
person and a location.

Mardee makes a great point. I took my first trip to Italy this past March and did not fall in love with it (except for Venice) like I know many have. For me, a lot of the little annoyances bother my where they seem not to bother others. And that’s ok. We don’t all have to like the same places.

I hope this will not deter you from planning a future trip for your family. And what a great experience you have given your kids.

Perhaps one issue is that sitting in many European eateries is considered an "extra" service. We just returned from Italy, and all the restaurants charged us 3€ each to sit and eat our meals, even when the meals were much more than sandwiches. I don't remember that charge in other countries, but it was a reminder that sitting can be considered a purchased service.
Good luck!

This thread has been an interesting read.

I suspect that the no picnicking is to stop people from using their outdoor facilities without buying anything. Many restaurants, especially in the MED countries charge a small fee for the table setting. Usually, you can stay as long as you like, unlike in the USA when you are expected not to linger for hours.

I have lived in Germany (4years) and Saudi Arabia (5 years) as well as traveled widely (to 81 foreign countries). Customs vary considerably from areas of the world and even within those areas.

Generally, every country that I have visited has been a great experience.

It is important to study about places you plan to visit to prepare yourself.
For example, if you go to Spain and want to eat your evening meal before 10pm, then you will have to adjust somehow. What we did if we couldn't find a restaurant open earlier for us was to dine on tapas around 6pm. We just made a meal out of tapas, which are short order tasty items that the locals snack on in the late afternoon.

If you go to China, you could be upset when you find that people there generally don't line up like we do in the West. The break in line and elbow their way ahead of others. In a country with 1.4 billion people with their major cities very crowded Queuing up is not a practice. I remember going to see the Blarney Stone in Ireland and waiting over an hour in line to get into the damaged castle where the stone is located. Two Chinese women ran up and cut in front of our group and seemed happy that they did that.

Probably the country where we found the people to be the most standoffish was in Russia. In Russia if you pass a person on the street that you don't know, you would never say hello or good morning like we do in the southern USA. Russians can be fantastic friends once you get to know them, but in public they don't want to stand out and are more reserve. These habits were somewhat created by the terrible police state for several decades that reinforced behavior of not stand out among the crowd.

You can discover these things by reading travel guides or books in advance of your trip. Also, if on a tour, most tour guides will fill you in on the customs.

THANK YOU to everyone who has responded (kindly or otherwise). I have thoroughly enjoyed reading all your responses and even today had a chance to take more pictures in Murren of “No Picnics!” signs. For sure, I hear all the Swiss saying that picnicking is very much a part of Swiss culture. Since I went from the airport in Zurich directly to Murren I would have never guessed so many people enjoy the ability to eat cheese and drink wine in many places. For sure, I saw a lot of that in Interlaken when my family took a bike ride yesterday and saw all the people enjoying their time.

Tomorrow we’re all off to Zermatt and then on to Munich. I’m much more at ease thanks to all the kind perspectives here. To be sure, this trip has been the fulfillment of decades’ worth of hopes and dreams so it’s all about meeting reality on reality’s terms. I’m going to continue to try and appreciate the little things, luxuriate in the big things, and just do what I know how to do: be kind to everyone and make the effort to be a part of the culture. :)

For those who are curious about the fondue in a gondola, this appears to be what they reserved:

https://www.pfingstegg.ch/index.php/en/dinner/sky-dinner

I am really surprised they did not honor the reservation you made. Did you book directly with the Pfingstegg cablecar company, or through a 3d party? Was it prepaid?

Don't be surprised if you encounter similar reserve or directness in Germany. It sounds like you've gotten some good training for it already.

I lived in Nürnberg and worked for the US Army 1982-85. Housing was not provided on post for us civilian workers, so we all lived "on the economy" as it's called. I knew many single women who worked in a variety of jobs to support the soldiers and their families there. We worked to varying degrees with Germans also employed by the US Army.

Single male soldiers and civilian employees were frequently invited to join local Germans socially especially at holiday times, but we were virtually invisible. None of us was ever considered in this way. I don't know for sure, but I suspect that single female soldiers were also ignored. For examples, I knew a woman who had lived in the same apartment and worked at the same job for 15 years as well as one who'd been born in Germany, moved to the States at the age of 5, was a US citizen and spoke German fluently.

She was definitely helpful to us when we'd go to bars, but sometimes her fluency was a curse due to the German tendency toward being direct. One time she was sitting next to and talking to a German guy and she got a very shocked look on her face. We asked what he'd said and it was that she stank of garlic!

I'd guess you plan to visit the famous Hofbrauhaus in Munich, but if the weather cooperates, try to get to the Augustiner-Keller and Biergarten for a different kind of Munich experience: https://www.augustinerkeller.de/en

I've felt a little isolated

I'm a newbie to travel, so I don't have a great deal of knowledge to share. But thinking back to my trips, I realized that my pleasant people interactions tended to be with other tourists, and I'm not just talking about Americans but individuals from all over the world. There's something about sharing an experience, even with a stranger. There are multiple times that I would catch the eye of another person, and we would both smile and perhaps exchange a few words regarding the beauty before us.

I believe there is something about people on vacation, outside of their normal routines, that bridges barriers. You might not have the interactions that you would like with the locals, but you can meet others from different locations and learn a bit about them and their culture.

Wise words from Gail. That's my experience as well. I don't go out of my way to talk to others; my wife on the other hand has never met a person that she couldn't charm. On our trip to Sorrento in April we struck up conversations on tours, restaurants and on the Circumvesuviana train with Americans, Canadians, Brits, Aussies, South Africans and Brazilians, but the most fascinating was a couple living in Germany but originally from Syria. She was quiet and shy but he was chatty on all topics including their escape from Syria. All started because we had the common bond of travel.

How was your experience in Poland?

“bringing four other people who get to enjoy everything without ever having to plan anything maybe is a little stressful.”

Hi Chris, I’m a planner too and really enjoy researching places and organizing our trips. However, it can be tiring and stressful trying to make everyone happy. For your next trip, I’d suggest getting your spouse and the girls more involved. Teenagers are able to do some research too. Assign a day to each one and they’ll be more invested in making things work. This sounds like a wonderful adventure for you and your family, have fun!

Are you doing the Gornergrat train? If so hopefully good clear skies as the views around the Gornergrat station are to die for.
Zermatt's little museum is worth a poke about as is the cemetery, do the museum first and many names in the cemetery will be familiar.
Zermatt can be crowded but once out on the trails far less so. There is a lovely easyish hike out to Z'mutt a cluster of traditional buildings and church in a lovely setting. There was a little cafe/restaurant there not sure whether it is still in business.

Gail is on the $ about interactions with other tourists. I have had many great connections other tourists. Being a big group of varying ages also might be part of the problem.
Anyway just keep rolling onwards.

PS if the young uns (or the oldies) like some adventure there is some great adventure rope climbing stuff just out of Zermatt near the beutiful Gorner Gorge.

Chris, I had no idea of the dire picnic situation in Murren (I won't be backpacking my crusty bread and St Agur there anytime soon by the sounds of it). Your example of a declined picnic in a train station is similar to eating at a table in a shopping mall where food is sold by local vendors: looked down upon, and understandably so.

Regarding your expectations and people advising you to read-up on the local customs beforehand. The French are like this, the Italians like that, the Swiss are so and so: they are all blanket statements. I've spent many months on mainland Europe (though not as many as some on this forum, and nothing too far east). Maybe I'm too thick, not observant enough, or not bothered enough, but people and customs are way, way more similar than different, even to us North Americans.

I speak a bit of French, my wife a bit of Italian, we both know plenty of German words. Neither of us can hold a meaningful conversation in any language on very important topics, such as discussing the gravity of climate change, the advantage of money belts, or the importance of over tipping. We rent apartments when travelling, we don't do tours, we don't hire guides. Our main social interactions are with our hosts and with restaurant staff wherever we eat. We don't expect immersion in local tradition or to live like a local in a few days (or months) visit.

I'm the same wherever I go. Try to change my behaviour when I go abroad? I wouldn't know how to. If you (not you personally, Chris) are impolite and abusive where you live, you will be the same wherever you travel. If you are a chatty Chaz or a dismal Des, your character in Smallsville will be the same in Pienza or Rothenburg (two great places to visit, by the way). Being gregarious with a wide-mouthed smile for everyone will earn you an odd look at most. Gloomy Guts are everywhere, there are plenty enough where I live.

So if you go to Munich then consider that it is a big city. So it's quite normal that people don't show much interest in each other when you're just walking through the streets. Due to the many 'tech companies' located in Munich a lot of foreigners live here and it's a colorful mix. So that means that the locals don't bother to consciously perceive whether someone is a tourist or not.

But you can get in touch with people living in Munich if you go to a beer garden. There is nothing more Munich than that. Try to sit down at a table in the beer garden at the Viktualienmarkt (https://www.munich.travel/en/pois/eat-drink/beer-garden-viktualienmarkt) where someone is already sitting. Ask politely and most of the time people will say yes. Go to the Augustiner beer garden (https://www.munich.travel/en/pois/eat-drink/tapped-from-wooden-barrels) or the Hofbräukeller beer garden on Wiener Platz my favorite one (https://www.munich.travel/en/pois/eat-drink/hofbraeukeller). Ask politely, sit down and automatically get in touch with others.

A beer garden is always self-service and you have to buy your beverages there (not only beer). You could bring food with you if you wanted, but you could also buy it there.

has made me feel like dealing with an American is a burden and that they would rather do anything else than have to engage with me

I am in a different country than you (Bulgaria) and have recognized some of the same things that you may be experiencing: a lack of the casual, perhaps hyper-friendly interactions of some Americans ... including (I know) myself.

I've dialed myself down a bit. And, just as you said, look for those more subtle clues, which express - I'm sure - their focus, not disdain.

I've also noticed - over the course of my interactions during a meal, a hotel stay, return visits to a restaurant, or a longer shop visit - some will begin to offer a smile and what I might call casual friendliness. Others never do and I don't try to change that, just continue to be as professional and polite as I can and accept that it's their way and - hopefully - nothing I've done or not done.

One of the little joys of travelling is sharing experiences with fellow travelers.

Chris, I will add a couple of things that are a little bit different instead of repeating.

It's hard to connect with people when you are traveling with a good sized family group. It puts you much more in a bubble, wherein there are enough of you that you are moving as your own social unit. If I'm traveling with just my wife, we have more of a tendency to end up in situations where we will be social with other people. But when I'm traveling with family, we not only have a thicker walled bubble around us, we tend to go to places where there is less likelihood of social interaction with locals, not more.

So that might be something you need to accept. When you bring a social circle, your bubble has thicker walls.

The other thing is you can't expect people working in the tourist industry to necessarily be happy about tourists, particularly in the tourist season. What's the Seinfeld line about mail? It never stops coming?

My mother-in-law is the type of person who elicits pleasant and charming interactions with service industry people. This is not because she is a particularly nice or charming person. This is because she is a country club wasp who casually carries herself with an expectation of service. There's a very strong sort of unstated class thing with her. And people in the service industry know that she is telegraphing her expectation, and reflexively are very nice and social with her because if they aren't they can smell that there might be a problem. If she was on this forum she would definitely be reporting back about how nice everyone everywhere is to her and it must be something wrong with you if that's not your case.

Point being that if you feel like you aren't getting satisfying interactions with tourist industry people, it might not have anything to do with you and beyond they don't see you a potential PITA they need to cater to.

I spent quite a bit of time solo traveling in Switzerland last year. I would not call the Swiss the "nicest" people in Europe. They have reserve. This reserve doesn't mean they have a problem! Far from it. But this is also not to say that the Swiss are opposed to having a problem. I can't find the video, but there's a good one from an expat living in Switzerland who refers to something he calls the "Swiss glare." The Swiss have all seemed to have self-deputized as enforcers of the rules of their country, and are ready, willing and able to let you have it if you break them. I parked my bike in the wrong place outside of a supermarket by accident in Switzerland. One of the lower level workers literally screamed at me from the front of the store as he walked all the way to the back of the store. Just letting me have it. I thought to myself "how charmingly quaint to be in a place where this guy seems completely unworried that I'm going to put my fist through his face or shoot him or whatever." Wrote it up to a unique cultural experience.

In general, I've never quite felt as monitored by locals when visiting a country as I have in Switzerland. I think it's a cultural tendency that's tied to all kinds of history and geography. But I did find it a little annoying at times, a little bit of an attitude like I was a child somehow as a foreigner and they were the grown ups as the Swiss.

So anyway, there are all kinds of factors that will influence whether or not you feel warm inclusion or alienation when you're traveling. People have a strong tendency to ascribe warm treatment to their own personal character, and the cold treatment of others to those people's character. Having spent years traveling independently, I think it's always more complicated than that.

Be as open as you can and go with the flow, and outside of that, whether or not you are having charming or meaningful interactions with locals isn't particularly in your control.

I'll also add as a hedge that I had two more than hour long talks with Swiss people on my last visit, one on a train and the other at a bicycle rest area. Longer interactions than with any other European people in two months last summer. These talks happened because the people were interested in me, and in the US, and because I was alone and accessible. Just a matter sometimes of right place right time right person.

They don't do small talk..and often don't meet your gaze. For that matter, neither do the Swiss.

That sounds amazing to this introvert lol

Don’t take things so personally.

Your expectations after planning the trip aren’t being met. So what?

Sadly, being an American isn’t always a plus.

You are there. Focus on doing what you wish, going where you want to go.

You aren’t born unhappy. It’s a choice.

Move forward.

I've read all these posts with interest. Lots of different experiences and opinions.
So here is my experience. I have always traveled alone except for one disaster with a female friend who I thought I knew. She processed experiences completely differently than me. The first day in Lisbon she had an extreme angry reaction when she thought she was being overcharged by less than a euro for some carrots in the mercado "because she was a tourist " . Then was angry at me because I burst into laughter. She was oblivious to people being kind to her. On several occasions in accommodations people went to special effort for her gluten intolerant condition, not one word of thanks. There were many more examples.
So in all years of traveling alone I have always been treated extremely kindly.
And every single time in all my travels to Europe when asked where are you from, I say what do you think? US is never the first or even the 4th guess. Oddly enough the first guess is France, a language in which I have zero fluency. I think perhaps traveling alone as a female, now an older female may be a reason. I am also very tuned in to the nuances of my surroundings; not only as a matter of personal safety but also because I am fascinated. I think people can discern if you're truly interested in them and their country . I project an aura of calm or so I've been told.I don't expect or ask for special treatment, even though I am frequently given it.

"I thought I would ask if anyone out there has ever felt not welcome in a country they've visited."

Oh yes!, but not in the way you have framed the question. We visited the Etrustian Museum in Rome, and there are docents, that could care less about your experience. They are there because its a low paid job, and they don't know anything. They are just "Security Cameras." You go from one area to another, and the docent, usually reading a novel, will say, "Not'a Photo," even if we were not taking pics, and rudely waved us off to the next room. To the Next docent doing the exact same thing. The Museum at Hadrian's Villa, was bad. This guy followed us around, and intentionally said, "Don't Touch, and No Photos," every minute, it was creepy. Offering nothing informative of what we were there to see. And we were not taking photos or touching anything. I think he wanted to chase us out, so he could finish his lunch in peace. And then there was the ticket guy at the train station transfer from Florence to "Five Lands," reading his comic book and smoking cigs, that could not have given a rat's butt, about giving out any information on the next train. I have to balance this with all the splendid encounters we have had in Europe with the locals. Where by people went way out of their official duties, to be helpful in extraordinary ways. If you focus on the bad, all you see is the bad. Its good AND bad sometimes. Mostly, we have encountered people that WANT us to have a good experience.

The only time I ever felt "unwelcome" was in Amsterdam last year. We were in a tour group when a middle-aged biker slowed down and yelled at us; "GO HOME YOU ####### TOURISTS!!!" I felt bad for the tour leader as she was really taken aback & didn't know what to say to us.

Frankly, as long as I'm being respectful to the people, customs, and cultures of the places I visit I'm not concerned with what the locals think at all. I don't require their welcome or acceptance.

“The only time I ever felt "unwelcome" was in Amsterdam last year. We were in a tour group when a middle-aged biker slowed down and yelled at us; "GO HOME YOU ####### TOURISTS!!!" I felt bad for the tour leader as she was really taken aback & didn't know what to say to us.”

My first thought was maybe some of the tour members strayed into the bike lane. The locals take that very seriously!

I thought the same Donna, pretty sure that’s exactly what happened.

chrisstripp, first, i think you’re a really good mom and a very nice and kind person based on all your posts. Come to San Francisco and i’ll give you all a warm welcome 😊 I hope you’re feeling much more comfortable now and having a nice time.

As an American living in a small town that is absolutely inundated with tourists about 10 months out of the year, I can definitely sympathize with locals who dread the influx of tourists. Would I rather not deal with them? Absolutely. Would I like to be able to get a table at a restaurant without a reservation on a Tuesday night? Yes. Would I like to not find trash dumped all along our trails, rivers and lakes? Yes. Would I like my son to be able to afford rent here instead of a huge number of rentals being short term rentals for tourists? For sure. I get it. Locals RELISH the fleeting periods between the tourist hoards, so I can understand not welcoming them. But it’s what fuels a lot of the local economy so it is a necessary evil.

I also think there is a BIG cultural difference between the US and a lot of other countries. The idea that everyone has to be “nice” is not common. I notice an inauthentic “niceness” that is expected in my area. A local coffee hut chats you up while they’re making your drink: How’s your morning going? What are your plans for the rest of the day? Ya da ya da. Personally, I find it intrusive. They don’t really care that I’m going home to do laundry. I’m not a chatty person, so pointless interaction is really annoying. But that’s why I am not in customer service!

travel4fun

Excellent post.

I have never really felt unwelcome as a tourist specifically, but I have felt unwelcome in general in France a number of times as if expecting someone to do their job is asking to much but that happens in the US as well so…
On the other hand I have felt un-welcoming of a “fellow” US tourist once in Germany on a Rhine Boat as she was shouting into the phone why trying yo take a selfie. I understood the term noisy American.

In France I have often encountered folks not wanting to do their job, my favorite was the conductor in the First class car that would not even tell us were our seats were located, and befor you say it he spoke perfect English as demonstrated when he spent a half hour flirting in English with two girls from Germany. (Or at least they had German accents). He was just being an ass and wouldn’t help direct us or anyone else to their seats. So he may as well not bothered to be at the door as he just took up space that we all had to maneuver around. Similar issues have happened that demonstrated that the locals had no real use for anyone on various other occasions. But as I said I have seen the same thing in the US. Typically from lower paid employees.

In Florida (visiting relatives) I saw a T-shirt for sale that read. “If it is called “tourist season” why can’t we shoot them?” So obviously some folks are not fond of tourists.

But I assume that this is just the typical humans disliking change and or being inconvenienced by others. And not being able to see the big picture. A plumber for instance May think that the tourist are useless to him as he never gets work from them so she would be happier if the tourist disappeared and the streets were less crowded, not thinking about the fact that the hotels and restaurants and stores she works on are all there as a result of the tourists.

I once was visiting a friend (back in university days) who had a summer job at a major tourist attraction/theme park and we were eating/drinking in a local bar/restaurant that served almost exclusively employees from said theme park. And I recall vividly the owner of the joint commenting that he would love it is the theme park just disappeared. Because his establishment didn’t get tourists. Forgetting that 90% of his customers for 3/4th of the year worked at said theme park.

I encountered the same think in an area of my state that the well to do tend to visit i in summer for the lake. The locals all complain about the tourists/cabin owners forgetting that they have no way of making a living locally without them.

So I expect that human nature being what it is you will encounter people that dislike tourists everywhere that you find tourists. Because tourists inconvenience them. Either getting in the locals way, or expecting them to do the job they are paid for or just because tourism tends to result in change as new hotels are built or ports are opened or roads are expanded to accommodate traffic or whatever. So all the locals can think about is the inconvenience that tourist cause.

Wear a Yankees cap, preferably red with white sneakers and you'll fit in with the locals almost anywhere.

I do empathize with someone losing their temper due to hordes of tourists. I've never yelled at out loud but I've done so inside. Nearly run over on Skyline Drive during fall foliage. Driver was texting or taking pics of the trees and the road was one big line of cars and buses.

Instead of complaining about tourists, do something. For example raising various taxes to get the crowds to a manageable and reasonable number. If someone has a better idea I'd like to hear it.

Last thing: One can be personable, pleasant, or "nice" without being overly chatty or phony. The world needs more of this, not less.

A coworker of mine just came back from a trip to Portugal with her 78 year old male travel companion and her brother. While in the Douro region in the middle of the day, 2 men approached them and beat the crap out of her friend. No interaction or verbal exchange preceded the attack. Broke his nose, fractured his orbital bone and gave him a concussion.
Police were called and he was brought to a hospital. The police said the group were mistaken for “Americans”. All 3 of them are Canadian. My coworker was advised to remain in her hotel as her blond curly hair would suggest she was American, and at risk for these men to return. What the????
They ended up having to buy new flights home for him in business class because he couldn’t sit up without passing out. Thank God for travel insurance and that she was a nurse.
Here’s the thing…she said she would return there in a heartbeat. Everyone else she came in contact with was lovely and welcoming.

On another note, I live in a small town beach community. It is a tourist’s haven in the summer, as well as a destination for other Canadians in the winter. We have the mildest climate in Canada. I relish the arrival of all of them because it helps our businesses survive in this ?post Covid world. They support our community in the summer and I support it the rest of the year.

Not sure it had to do with being a tourist, or just being in the wrong place/wrong time. When I was in Derry, Northern Ireland, I was walking through an outdoor shopping galleria sort of area and this kid, who looked about high school age, threw a rolled up poster at me from a balcony up above. When I backed up to look up at where it had come from, he was standing up above looking down at me and said "What the f*** are you looking at? Don't look at me--don't you dare look at me--do you want to fight? Is that what you want--do you want to have a go?" The anger on his face was intense. I just kept walking and didn't respond. It was a really weird moment that unfortunately has stuck in my mind from what was a really great trip except for that strange and threatening interaction.

If you could see the traffic from Memorial Day to Labor Day on the main street on the island where I live (it sometimes takes 1 1/2 hr to go to the grocery store on the island and people are four deep in front of the sandwich meat), you would understand people's aversion to tourists(many of ours live in the large city across the bridge). I'm not a hunter, but I did think the Florida shirt that douglas saw is funny. We will be polite but that doesn't mean we are happy about your presence. Our permanent population is large enough to support the plumbers, restaurants, etc. Our ability to regulate the number of tourists (including short term rentals and parking spots) is greatly limited by the government in Columbia-too bad that seceding thing doesn't work.

travel4fun, I hear you, but chattiness is the norm among locals where I live. And we really do hope that the other person(a stranger) is having a nice day.

My 11 yo son and i were in London standing on the bridge leading to/from Big Ben. We were on the sidewalk near the road, just standing there. A car with three 20-something yo guys came up next to us and one of them threw a 16oz cup of Coca-Cola at and all over us. It was really mean and nasty of them and i’ll never forget it but i don’t blame London and have been back many times since.

I live in/near a very touristy town (Sausalito) and i love it. All the locals appreciate tourists being here. For me, i love to be around people from other countries, i enjoy interacting with them and helping them find their way around and where to eat.

Where does one begin?

First, if you want an authentic experience, expect to have some encounters that are not over-the-top positive. True in every country in Europe. True in every place where anyone responding on this thread lives. And the reasons are that no place has all nice people or nice people who are always nice. I have no explanation for a few of the incidents described above like the teenager in Northern Ireland and the Coke-throwing idiots in London, but those types of experience and worse happen many times each day in the US. But when we travel abroad, especially after spending so much time preparing and so much money, our expectation is a perfect trip, and the lazy train conductor or the rude restaurant server stands out a bit more.

Second, it seems that people who complain about tourists are really complaining about too many tourists. They do want tourists, just perhaps not too many. A post above noted the plumber who said the tourists don't call him. But certainly there are people in the hospitality industry who do call him and have the money to pay him because of tourists, as well as others who benefit indirectly from the money tourists spend. I have never heard of an American city that declined a Super Bowl game or a presidential convention.. Cut back on tourists, and say goodbye to a number of jobs in hotels and restaurants, as well as in other fields.

Third, there are cultural differences not only among the different countries, but also among the different parts of the country most of us live in. If you live in, say, Seattle (and because I have a daughter living there, I will say Seattle), you may not expect to be called "dear" by the lady at the checkout counter or at the meat counter in the local supermarket.

“I have no explanation for a few of the incidents described above like the teenager in Northern Ireland and the Coke-throwing idiots in London, but those types of experience and worse
happen many times each day in the US”.

Exactly right. Nice people, mean people are every where, in every country. And far worse happens here. And i agree that most people are more sensitive about unpleasant people when traveling. Bothers me when people make blanket judgements, ie, “people in X city are rude and unfriendly”. Simply not true.

That unwelcome feeling as a visitor , whether real or perceived, I have never had in France and Germany nor anywhere else in Europe.

No problem at all traveling solo in Germany, be it in big cities (Berlin, Hamburg, Munich, Cologne, etc) or small towns and "villages" The exceptions which be may unnerving are the crowded ICE trains even with a seat reservation. Going to restaurants as a solo depends on the type of establishment, if you follow German custom. I do. You get a feel for the place, if no instructions are at the reception.

In France it is much more difficult since I am at a decidedly linguistic disadvantage. No such problem in Germany or Austria. Start with German and stick with it. Not possible in France. Still, encounters with the locals, those in the service industry or just ordinary folks, regardless of their ethnic background in France are just cordial and fine, if not lovely, even if I find it necessary to lapse into English, ie, the absolute last resort.

I've made mistakes, obviously, on various trips, mainly due to the lack of imagination, ie, get out of one's cultural framework.

Thank you, Hank. I appreciate reading your posts, especially.

Traveling can have its ups and downs, but don't overthink it! Embrace the cultural differences, keep being respectful, and enjoy the adventure with your family.

@Jim wrote:

Now I have spend several months over the years touring in the US and the one thing I find very annoying is the behaviour of staff in the service industry. They are continuously hovering around, interrupting your enjoyment of a meal with friends, begging for tips etc... You won't find that in most of Europe because that is not how we like to live. Service staff are paid reasonable salaries and while tips are expected, they are small and certainly won't impact the way you are served. We expect staff to take our order, disappear, returning only when the course is ready and not again until it is time to settle the bill. If you have a problem or need something else you attract the attention of the server not the other way around. Now if you see that as being unfriendly or unhelpful, then sorry, but that is who we like it.

That description made me laugh. I can see both sides of the coin and agree with both.

From the European (and even Asian) angle, I can understand that a customer goes to a restaurant to have a meal and enjoy it with friends/family and not necessarily to make friends with the wait staff there. Of course not! Not usually. So I do get how it can feel like a constant invasion of one's time, space, and attention when the wait staff comes back for yet another round and says "Is there anything else I can get for you?" I came into the restaurant to have a meal and enjoy my time. I didn't come into the restaurant to make friends with the wait staff or waste my precious time making chit chat with the staff.

On the other hand, from the American perspective, I can also understand that many do interpret that so-called "hovering" as just giving you personal attention and showing that they "care" and that you are important to them. American clients often expect that and would interpret the lack of that kind of attention as being cold, unfriendly, and not customer oriented.

The thing about friendships in the US and chit chat is that typically is it easy to make these very surface level connections not only at restaurants but even among your "friend". It can give you a sense of feeling connected, but only momentarily. It is all very fleeting and surface level. They often have no depth to them and connections are quickly severed once you're not around. It is a very characteristic part of American society, which to me is unfortunate.

Some characterize this kind of American behaviour as "open". Perhaps you could say so. But it's also a form of guarded-ness because the open-ness only allows you to get so deep and you may not really know what they genuinely think or feel -- of course, depending on the person. In other words, the American nicety and open-ness can be used as a way to prevent you from going so deep with them because they can parry every communication with something that sounds nice but is not allowing you to get close ;-)

I've lived in the US for 3 decades now and while I don't feel totally a stranger in the country, I don't feel like this is my community either. It's just where I'm passing through, so to speak.

The American friendliness and openness is quite different from the Ghanaian one, which I'm also a bit familiar with. I think the Ghanaian one comes across as much more genuine and they will let you know when you've gone too far or approaching too close and need time to develop further trust and belief in you. American friendliness looks unbounded. Ghanaian friendliness seems more genuine because it doesn't give off the sense of unbounded. And for sure, they are not going to hover over you if they're wait staff at a restaurant.

Whenvan American points out a difference it is intolerance of other cultures. When a European comes her and does the same it is being correct.