How to Avoid Traveling with Friends Mistakes

Great tips, Zoe! Maybe a good reason to consider doing a guided/planned tour so YOU aren't the one blamed for any and every mishap.
I DO on occasion travel with a non-family companion -- my college roommate, whom I have known for over 40 years. So we have learned to compromise and to have some separate time.

Make sure you know what the drinking habits of your travel companions are like. Traveling with someone who gets mean and nasty on a daily basis by early afternoon (or late morning) after having a "few" can ruin a trip.

Jo, so true!

1. Know when to call a time-out and separate for a few days, or for the remainder of the trip. The latter is difficult if you are the tour guide for your friend, but guilt can be transcended.

I think the number one thing is to just accept that the holiday you have with friends is just not going to be the same as if you went alone. You have to compromise to suit them; and they you. But if you can do that, then you have someone to share memories with forever.

We did three weeks in England & Scotland with another couple: they like to sleep in and then park in a coffee shop/tea room/bar for hours, we prefer to get going and see the sights. In the end, we slowed down and they sped up and we met somewhere in the middle. We saw less than we would have without them, but what good times we have to reminisce about. There were other differences to accept (they wanted to spend every minute together, we wanted some time on our own; we like to shop, they don't [well, the hubby anyway, so that was 3-1).

I often get asked would we do it again with the same people, and I think on balance the answer is yes. It bonded us as friends as nothing else so far has. But I would take more control of the itinerary! --and I think they would agree to that.

Great suggestions Zoe! I agree with all of them. I have run into those pitfalls before also. When my travel companion does not help plan I will tell them strait out before we leave the USA..."If you don't contribute to the plans, I will give your opinions, needs and requirement (when in Europe) as much consideration as you did in helping plan this trip before we get there!"...meaning if it is all my time planning then it is all my decision as to what we see/where we go. I will hear no complaints about my itinerary either. If I am not being paid to be my friend's travel agent, tour guide, translator, etc. then I don't have to stay with them; and have a bad trip because we are not getting along. I can just bounce on my companion and do my own trip. This has gotten the most procrastinating of companions helping in no time (because they know I mean it!)

The most important personality traits I have found in my travel companions are this: great communicator, always willing to work towards compromise, contributes to the advanced planning & the day to day planning, and always tells me when they are having a bad day, bad mood, feeling frustrated with me, whatever. Wondering what your disgruntled companion is thinking can sometimes be the most frustrating aspect of an international trip. Traveling can be really hard, it is vital to communicate to your companions what is going on in your head. The final suggestion would be to see how long it takes them to go through a museum. It is important to go through these things at approximately the same pace or frustration can arise. Good Luck!

Great tips! I always try to go with the mindset that I know the other person is going to annoy me at times. I have to be prepared to get over it and take a break when needed. I also go knowing I am probably going to annoy the other person at times and I try to be as non annoying as possible. :). I think it is important to sometimes separate and do things on your own. Some people aren't so willing to go alone even for an hour or two, so it helps to discuss this ahead of time. I think the tip about different rooms is great. I haven't done this yet because it saves money to share, but that one thing could solve a lot of little issues that come up.

Talk about money/budget honestly. If you can't spend €100 a day on food, say so. Maybe you can splurge sometimes, but don't go to credit card hell over accommodations and food.

Great tips! I will certainly be much more careful in the future! When I did the last trip, I actually send EVERY link to every hotel, every apartment, along with costs. I even printed out an itinerary and gave it to both people. They didn't even read it!

Again I will be very, very choosey next time!

When I plan the itinerary I also send it ahead to my travel partner saying it is tentative and asking for input. When choosing hotels, I will usually choose two or three that I like and ask partner to chose one. Even if the answer is that any of them will be okay, at least they can't blame the hotel entirely on me if it ends up not being to their liking. I think it helps when all involved with the trip are as much involved as possible with the planning.

If one person is a museum fan and another wants to people-watch in a piazza, agree to go through the museum separately and have a time and place set up to meet later.

The dynamics of traveling with friends vary depending on the configurations - - 2 singles, 2 or 3 couples, couple + single, large group, etc. We've experienced all of the above. We have found large groups are easy, since there is no reason for everyone to even try to do everything together. Also, if the group is large, there will likely be several cars, so different plans can be made. On one girl friends' trip, I kept reminding myself "it's her trip, too." That kept me serene in face of her insistence on e.g., visiting yet another Loire chateau. Food can be a surprisingly contentious issue. I have made it a rule of life never to criticize another person's choice of restaurants. Again, I remind myself that spending a little more won't ruin me, nor will a mediocre (imo) meal. Our most agreeable travel companion has turned out to be my husband's sister, despite her impaired mobility. She has a clear sense of what she can do and what she wants to do. If something on our agenda doesn't fit that, she'll tell us to go without her (and she really means it), even for a whole day; or she'll sit for a time while we hike off to see what we want. This arrangement has worked well for the 3 of us in Ireland, Victoria and Vancouver BC, and Hawaii.

Travel with a grandkid... foot the bill... they have to do what you want:))

When I traveled with a friend to Greece for a month, the most important thing that we said from the beginning was that we would not be afraid to split up for a day or so if we disagreed. Interestingly, we only split up one day. Having the freedom to do so too away any tension. On our split up day, I told the boat to Samaria Gorge on Crete and Sharon spent the day on the beach. We were in our 20's when we did this and to Sharon's great regret, I met three young Doctors from the UK also walking the Gorge. And, those were the only interesting young men that we (well I) met on the trip! Still a great trip.

Pam

We have taken 2 trips with another couple (my sister and her husband). I think the fact that my sister and I were raised together and know each other well helps. There are some real cost savings to traveling with another couple. We share all the car expenses and have saved a lot of money by renting 2 bedroom apartments instead of booking 2 hotel rooms. (we would never share a bedroom). Some of why it works for us:

1. We are all punctual people. If we say we are "meeting at this time", everyone is there on time. Vacation time is precious and the last thing I want to do is wait around for someone who is always 15-30 minutes late (I am never late unless their is an unexpected cause..flat tire, etc) If someone is 15 minutes late 4 times, they have wasted an hour of my time and that would become a problem for me.

2. Mix up together time and separate time. We are not joined at the hip for the whole trip. When we have multiple day stays in a city, we are quite often apart for a whole day. Sometimes we meet up part way through a day, in the evening, etc. Of course, when we travel in the countryside, we have to stick together. But even then, we have found ways to work it out allowing one person to tour a church they really want to see while the others shop, etc. This last trip, we dropped my sister off in Keswick and she enjoyed a boat ride around the lake while the 3 of us drove out, parked the car and hiked up the Catbells.

3. Everyone should be involved at some level in the planning. I make all the room and apartment reservations, the car reservations, etc. But we all sit down and decide how much time we need in each area, and what are the must sees on the trip. My husband is probably the least interested in this part of the process. But I know from experience that he has things he would be disappointed in not seeing and I don't always know what those things are.

4. Everyone needs the same expectation on how much you will budget for lodging. In our case, we wanted to average $100 a night per couple. Needless to say, I had to get creative and search hard for good housing. Everyone was realistic in what to expect on this budget and were more than happy with where we stayed. (i.e. we stayed in a Travelodge in Bath and saved our B&B experience for the Cotswolds and the Lakes areas) Our average ended up being $92 a nights per couple. This was only achieved by finding 2 bedroom apartments in Edinburgh and Paris and staying at a budget hotel in London.

Our trips to Europe are usually 4-5 weeks long. This is a long time to travel with someone other than your spouse. Additionally it is a large investment money wise. Therefore, I am very careful who I agree to travel with. I have done shorter trips with couples and girlfriends here in the states and find I have to hold my "musts" much more loosely. (I may not see something i wanted to see, and we may not have as much time at places...or more time than I need)

The issue with money and expenses is very important. I generally have no problems paying a bit more than my share at meals and other small expenses as long as I don't suspect, sense the travel friend is leeching off of me. That's where I draw the line. One requirement I have of the travel friend is the willingness to separate and link up later in the day, ie, rendezvous at a designated place and time. We don't have to be everywhere together.

3a ...that is not my defintion of "I leave that up to you." The travel friend in my view is responsible for his/her luggage, and on trains knowing when to get off. Traveling solo in getting to and seeing the sites has its advantages and its downside. It's a matter how much one is willing to tolerate when it comes the downside.

Fred, not my definition, either, but it turns out to be subtext sometimes.

Most things have already been covered, but I would add two things that are important also.

One, find out what the friend's sleep habits are. I once went on vacation with someone I thought I knew well, only to find out she liked to stay up until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning, watching TV or reading, and then sleeping until 2:30 the following afternoon. Her first meal of the day was about 3:00 in the afternoon. Then she was ready to hit the beach, or the museum or wherever we were going. Needless to say, the way we got through the trip was I got a separate room, awoke at 7:30 AM, ate breakfast, and set out on my day. We had the arrangement that we would meet up to do something together at 3:30 or 4:00PM, have a late dinner together, and split up for the night.

Two, find out if you can stand to be with them for a whole day. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I once went on a trip with a very nice friend from work. I had only spent lunch breaks with her, shopping at the mall, and meeting with a group of friends for dinner. When we were on a trip together, she talked all the time. I mean, constantly. She would talk for three or four hours at a time, nonstop, without me getting in one word. How come she never did this at work or at lunch before? Maybe the excitement of the trip made her more talkative? The solution was, as Zoe said, agree to separate for a period of time during the day and do different things. One person may go shopping, the other may wish to go to a museum.

You think you know someone pretty well, but make sure you really do before planning a trip with them. By the way, the first person was my own sister, so I thought I knew her pretty well. Not so. But I was flexible; once I found out that was the way she wanted to spend her trip, it was fine with me to have some of the day by myself to do what I wanted.

i add to the list.....walking pace. one of my friends ran thru Italy as if her backside was literally on fire. in a couple of days we were able to all adjust to a decent pace together.... she slowed down, I sped up, and we agreed that our other friend had the middle pace and we'd try to follow her lead.

she was also the one, god bless her, who claimed no opinion before we left the states. however, the first 3 mile trot was to some restaurant that she had eaten in 5 years ago, that I'm still not convinced was better than the hundreds we ran pass in those 3 miles......
also, the only time the 4 of shared one room was our first 2 nights in Italy. (we have done this occasionally in the US, so it seemed possible) however, add jet lag, etc., seems like every 15 minutes someone was awake and roaming,,,, sharing a room might have worked elsewhere in the trip, but not the first stop.

I can totally agree with your points, Zoe. We experienced this quite a number of years ago when we took our second trip with my husband's sister and her husband. The first trip with them was perfect. They did not want to participate in the planning and thought everything we identified to be perfect. On the second trip, they again did not want to participate in the planning - had no opinions and liked the itinerary that was presented to them. But, when we got there, it all changed. They had definite opinions and wanted to change it all. It's nice to have flexibility but this was unbelievable. We had consulted with the Rick Steves' office on sights we should see - instead we missed most of the sights. What happened is that they really did not pay attention to the itinerary that was given to them and we didn't have an open discussion with them since the first trip had gone so well. We were traveling together in a car. Hard to explain, but we have never taken another trip with them.

This is why I now prefer to travel solo, or if friends come along, have separate rooms and meet for dinner after a day of sightseeing on our own.
I find it is more difficult to adjust to someones habits when we get older. When I was in my 20s and even 30s, I had no problem sharing rooms, bathrooms, sleeping on the night trains, and put up with grumpiness and whining of my travel companions.
Last year I shared a room with my very good friend whom I thought I knew well, and we were on several trips sharing rooms before. Well, our previous trip was 5 years earlier, I didn't take aging into the consideration, and found out that she became a very heavy snorer. Needless to say, I had many restless/sleepless nights during my 10 days in Italy; she couldn't afford her own lodging so I got stuck with her. My next trip to France solo was such a liberating, relaxing experience, I could only blame myself if anything went wrong.

These are my takes. Consider I'm on my 30s and therefore younger than the average Helpliner, but I do have a lot of good and bad experiences from travelling with friends. So my own philosophy in the subject is:

1. Do not overly-pitch a trip to a hesitant friend. Being pushy with the "let's-go-go-go" can come bite me back when something doesn't go as planned. Do not put myself in the position of an aggressive tour sales person to convince friends to join; if I do, I'll be on the receiving end of eventual frustrations.

2. Be super aware of inviting friends who, in other social situations (dinner, night out, day trip etc), have a record of throwing back in my face things like "but this is the restaurant YOU picked", or "this venue was YOUR suggestion". Be extremely aware of inviting friends that resort to "told you so...". A multi-day trip with them will bring that behavior on steroids.

3. Establish beforehand that we will have separate time in our trip, and agree not to be glued to each other, as if we were insecure teenage BFFs dropped in a new strange place where we can't be apart except for using bathroom. It is very important on longer trips to have days where I can go about doing my own thing, meeting only at night again.

4. Set all relevant money matters before departing, always. If somebody is going to pay for the big tickets (hotel, events) and then get money back later, discuss exactly when and how. If something else than an equal split will be used, a quick written email helps to set it out. Nothing can sour a trip more than money disagreements. Discuss openly how to deal with the "I don't think this orchestra/ museum/ guided archaeological tour is worth the $$" situation before committing to a trip.

5. If budget allows it, having separate rooms is a much coveted perk when travelling with friends. It gives you "breathing room", avoids little annoyances, and gives you a place to for me to 'regroup myself' after an exhausting trip.

6. Always get my friends involved on planning stages, even if I'm doing most of the planning work. If I behave like a travel agent or tour guide, chances are I'll end up being perceived as one during the trip, and that is bad for friendships.

What is extremely important is to realise that you have personality quirks, your own character traits, like it or not. That same always goes for the travel friend. Compromise sometimes is the solution. If both persons' quirks can be tolerated, coped with, then traveling together can be smooth without acute problems.