How not to lose your travel partner

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your helpful comments. I had a bad experience with a trip this year, a female friend who I guess I didn't know well enough. I think the problems could have been avoided or minimized if we had talked about them. This time I'll be traveling with my "boyfriend" and it's very important to me that things go well. It will be our first big trip together and I'm hoping to cultivate a new travel partner! Thanks!

I agree with the others with regard to spending time apart. Is your boyfriend more or less social than you? Do either of you need alone time after a day spent with other people? Both of you should talk about your personality needs prior to the trip, and how to handle them in order to have a great time. It isn't a bad thing if he wants to go out with some people in the evening and you need alone time to recharge, for example. Listening to your personality needs will make a huge difference!

This is the time when you will find out if you are really friends. If there are any problems you will probably not be able to avoid them unless both of you want to. I was once on a three week canoe trip in Manitoba and I don't care to see two of the other people of our foursome. Its life. Traveling brings out the worst and best of people. This is where you find out if you can live with the worst. My wife and I have been on three month and a half journeys and have always been compatible. The only times we got into an argument she was always right.

You both have to be prepared for the fact that you will occasionally get on each others nerves. I try hard to stay relaxed about it and to not let the little things get to me, and I make an effort to be patient and get along. It helps by having occasions when I am doing something different from my travel partner. On a tour that might mean separating sometimes during free time, or just talking to other tour group members and not just each other on group activities. A little time apart helps. To me, those are the two keys: working at getting along and planning some times apart. If both/all travel partners aren't willing to work around differences it will likely fail! Be patient, be accommodating, and don't spend every minute together!

Travel can be exhausting as well as fun, respecting each others limits is important. It helps if you know the person well enough to notice the signs of exhaustion and take a break ASAP.
You do not need to do everything together all the time, split up and meet back at the hotel. Do not expect them to change - for example just because you think sunrise is not to be missed if they think vacation is a time to sleep in they will not be happy if you throw open the windows at dawn. Confirm expectations about budget before you leave!! A great dinner for one may be a fine restaurant but for another the same words can mean a picnic in a park. Enjoy the trip!!

Glad to see you recognized that, Monte. My travel partner is my husband and we do get into tiffs from time to time, but that's no different from when we are at home. Sometimes 2 strong personalities collide, especially when they are tired, hungry or thirsty. I've never been on any kind of long organized tour, but my understanding from others is that it is possible to opt out of some of the RS activities so long as the guides know that you are doing that. One good thing is that if either of you is unhappy with anything related to the tour itself, you can take it up with the tour people instead of being upset with each other. I have known people who traveled together and had totally different interests. They weren't on organized tours, so they worked it out by separating during some days, each doing their own thing and then getting together at the end of the day for dinner and to share experiences. Even my husband and I do that often. I think you are already on the right track by thinking about this up front. Maybe you two should go over the itinerary, the information on lodging and meals, and any other details of the trip you can to discuss potential differences. You may have to work out basic things like who gets the shower first in the morning and do you wait to go down to breakfast together. You know, the little things that can drive people crazy. I've traveled on a few occasions with my best friend for 38 years now. On one trip our biggest issue was that when she was ready to go to sleep (way too early by my clock), the light had to be off between our beds, but I liked to read for awhile. If we were to go someplace together today, I would use my Kindle and hope that its screen glow didn't keep her awake.

I've had several different travel partners over the years and what works for me (and them) is to 'agree to disagree'. If you have arguments or differences, don't try to coerce the other into doing things your way. Go your separate ways or do your separate things that day and meet up again later. Don't go to bed angry, make up before going to sleep so you can wake up free of argument hangovers or grudges and start a new day fresh. Just remember you are different people and not an extension of each other, expect that there may be some disagreements and be prepared to deal with them. Your idea of checking in periodically is good, sometimes there are hidden resentments and one or the other doesn't want to bring them up for fear of starting an argument. Keeping the lines of communication open and having a time to voice opinions is important. And have fun!!

The only rule I would follow is to agree not to be with each other all the time. I've traveled with friends; I've shared rooms with strangers on RS tours: I've traveled with my parents. What works best is to bend over backward respecting each other's need for privacy and sleep. If you keep talking about how it's going, that should help. I can think of some possible problem areas: bathroom "hogging," and hand laundry (hanging it around the room). Window open/closed at night and early morning talkativeness or surliness can also cause problems. Believe it or not, it can help if one is an early riser and the other is not. Whoopee! The bathroom is free and the early riser can get out of the room and go to breakfast while the other faces the day. A problem I thought I would never face: one stranger-roommate (unintentionally?) hid the room key a couple of times. This led to some unpleasantness when she woke me up at 11 pm because she was locked out. The key was under a pile of her clothes. Agree where to keep the room key, and who has it, and who turns it in. I like to keep all my stuff fairly organized and on "my" side of the room. This helps when it's time to pack up; this helps in finding things. On the RS tours I've been on, the single people often joined together for activities and dinners. But nobody is limited to any one group. I usually find couples I like. I try to get to know everybody's name. If you sit next to different people at meals, it is easy to get acquainted. One mistake I made was to promise to lock the room safe and then forget to do it. This led to some tension between us until we got back to the room and the safe, though unlocked, was untouched.

I usually travel with my husband and we are very compatible in our styles. Meaning I make the plans and he goes where I tell him we're going. :-) He likes it that way. He does no research about where we are going and likes to be surprised. I've traveled with family that I refuse to travel with again. I took a 3 week trip to Europe 2 years ago with a long time friend. We discussed things ahead of time regarding our expectations. We were not on a tour and she was not inclined to do anything on her own. Luckily she is very easy going and we got along great. We are even closer now than we were before. About half of the trip we each had our own room in apartments and the other half we were in the same room. I don't think it really made any difference. I have traveled in the U.S. with a friend who really likes to take charge. With her I find that it's easier to just go with the flow, but I do assert myself if there is something I really want to do. That has worked out fine. Good luck and enjoy your tour.

My husband and I didn't start out as great travel partners - we find different things stressful about travel and those things often are at odds with the other person's idea of what's stressful - but we've become great travel partners over the years, and I think it's applicable to traveling with everyone. I also travel a lot with friends these days (for much shorter trips, though) 1) Prioritize together what you want to see, and see if your priorities add up. If they vary greatly, agree to split up so one person isn't repeatedly dragged to something they have little interest in. In that vein: 2) Spend time apart. It's a lifesaver. Some travel partners try to do everything together, this makes me antsy, so it's important to just repeat, "No, it's OK, I want to go read a book/take a nap/enjoy some 'me' time/etc, let's meet up in a few hours, OK?" 3) Ask for forgiveness and be forgiving. Travel brings out the worst in many of us, as it often makes us tired, achey, hungry, stressed out, etc. Be quick to admit fault if you're behaving poorly, be quick to let it go if the other person is. Remind yourselves - out loud, or just to yourself - that you're on the trip of a lifetime, you can fight all you want when you get back home. Aside from that, I disagree with Monte - I don't think traveling well defines who your friends REALLY are. I just have some friends I am not interested in traveling with, because while I can have a great time with them in certain situations, our personality differences will be exacerbated during travel. That's OK. Since you've already made the reservations I wouldn't sweat that at this point, but in the future I'd try to choose someone you know is a good travel partner for you.

We've done one RS tour, so only have that one experience. But I think that you will find that being in a group of people, sharing a common experience, you will have lots of other companions too. With a group, you don't have to be joined at the hip to your partner and do everything together. Yes, you can always opt out of the days events, if you want to do something else. Biggest conflict I saw between roommates was if one was chronically late and the other was on time.

I can't imagine that a tour could be stressful - I mean, they hand hold you through everything and you just follow along (the lack of decision-making should smooth out any problems between people, not make them worse). If two people have to plan 3 weeks together on their own, now that could be stressful because that's actually work. I think you may be a little nervous/cautious only due to a recent experience and hopefully it's unwarranted...on the other hand, maybe you recognize the potential mismatch and your intuition is spot on. I would make sure that you both mingle with others in the group - there is no need to sit together or do everything together all the time. Just agree ahead of time that you'll give each other space before any ill feelings have a chance to develop. Try not to go to bed angry and that kind of thing...I guess that works for married couples too.

Donna, I often travel alone by preference... gives me quiet time for art, churches, etc. When I'm traveling with someone, I find independence is crucial. As long as each of us feels the freedom to take off for independent activities when restlessness or boredom sets in, things go well. We arrange meet up later for dinner and a walk. And I simply realize I'm going to be spending some of the time doing less-preferred activities (eg, more time spent in formal restaurant meals; fewer quick picnic-type snacks/meals) as a trade off for the activities we are enjoying together. With a group you'll have even more opportunities to buffer together time when needed.

Great advice so far. I also agree that you need to talk BEFORE the trip about traveling, styles, and what you do/don't want to do together. On the RS tours you have a lot of free time - I disagree with a prior poster that all the work will be done for you so there won't be anything to argue about. As a four-tour (as a solo) RS veteran, you are often on your own to fill your free time - this was the source of friction for many couples on my tours. Having an idea of your common interests, what you each want to do with your free time (the itinerary gives you clues about when/where this will occur), and how you will discuss/decide whether to separate for a period of time will help. Also re: sleep habits - talking about it ahead of time will help, but no matter what it does take a bit to get in the groove. On several RS trips I rotated between 1 and 4 different roomies - since I'm early-to-bed, early-to rise, I just told my roomie about my habits, brought ear plugs and eyeshades, was as quiet as possible in the morning, and set aside my normal persnickety self for the sake of a good travel experience. I also agree keeping yourself organized and not overtaking your partner's space will go a long way toward harmony. As an aside, I have traveled overseas and in the US with a good friend who I believed would be a great travel mate (same interests, loves to plan ahead, outgoing, likes to cover a lot of ground). However she will not ever spend a moment alone - and is hostile at the suggestion (thankfully I was allowed to use the loo privately). I learned this on the first trip and understood what I signed up for on subsequent trips, but we don't travel together any more because I need more space. I've also been told by another friend that she would never travel with me because I'd drive her crazy - and she's probably right. :) Kudos to you for thinking about this now!

You need to agree that you will respect each other's wishes. Set up in advance that you're not each going to want to do exactly what the other person wants. You may end up doing a lot together, but you may also find that you just need some alone time! Since you're on a tour, agree that you don't always have to sit next to each other at the group meals. Maybe you can make a pact to see who can get to know something about each tour member before the other. :) When I traveled with a friend to Greece we agreed that there would be times when we would each go our own way. It turned out that there was only one time, but that time was important to us. When I traveled with my sister, the most frustrating thing was that she always let me lead. I really wished that she would express an opinion. It was a good trip, but I learned to talk prior to the trip about goals and interests. Pam

the problems you will encounter is one of the reasons i travel solo. the only think i can think of is having time/sites alone. If you can do it without (w/o) each other. as far as (afa) sleep habbits, maybe a good set of ear plugs for someone? have you thought about some walkie-talkies? or maybe your cell phones? chances are you phone call to each other will be expensive. You could always agree to meet at a particular place at a particular time and ONLY call if there are issues? happy trails.

CL - what you describe has been exactly my problem in traveling with friends! I will have set ideas of what i want to do/see (I'm kind of a "type a" traveler) but I've traveled with friends who want to make group decisions and do EVERYTHING together, to the point where it feels impossible to separate from them to do what I want. I really like these people at home, but I'm loathe to travel with them in the future because I end up feeling like I'm wasting my precious vacation time/dollar doing what the group wants, not what I want. Sounds selfish, but I'm a very giving and adaptable person at home - just not on vacation time! Donna - Are you taking a trip with a new-ish romantic partner? That can indeed be stressful. Like I said, my early travels with my now-husband weren't entirely smooth (although they were hardly disasters). Communicate as much as possible prior and during the trip, check in as much as you can to avoid resentments and stop arguments from occurring. It's been said that traveling is like living in a "heightened reality" - everything is more vivid and intense, including emotions (this is why we remember trips more vividly than everyday life, right?) When you're traveling as a new couple, there's a tendency to see the trip as a "test" of the relationship. I think this is the opposite tack to take. Traveling isn't like having a couple glasses of wine, it doesn't show someone's "true self" but their most "extreme self" - good and bad. If you get on great with someone at home but find them a pill to travel with, it doesn't mean they're a bad person or you're a bad match, but maybe that they're a bad traveler or you have different travel styles - both of which can be fixed with communication and spirit of generosity, understanding, and kindness towards the other.

My travel partner lets me do all the planning which results in a harmonious travel companionship.

Here are my two cents: Take turns planning the free time. One day you choose what to do and the next day your travel partner chooses what to do. AND DO NOT WHINE ABOUT THE ACTIVITY!! I also would suggest taking a trip close to home for a long weekend and see how your travel styles match up. Then sit down and discuss any issues, problems and what worked on the trip. Also with a tour it is easy to mix with other people and not be glued together all day.
I would also go over the pre-trip materials with your travel partner and read all guide books so you can get an idea of what the other person wants to do for free time.

Here are my two cents: Take turns planning the free time. One day you choose what to do and the next day your travel partner chooses what to do. AND DO NOT WHINE ABOUT THE ACTIVITY!! I also would suggest taking a trip close to home for a long weekend and see how your travel styles match up. Then sit down and discuss any issues, problems and what worked on the trip. Also with a tour it is easy to mix with other people and not be glued together all day.
I would also go over the pre-trip materials with your travel partner and read all guide books so you can get an idea of what the other person wants to do for free time.

Donna I think you've wisely already tackled a big part of the problem by booking one of Rick's tours. Because you have paid them to plan and organize, you will be spared some of the most tension-sparking elements of travel. No "what to do today" nor crankiness resulting from difficulty in finding a site, or getting there to find it closed, or having difficulty figuring out the rental car or the transportation system or whatever. Neither of you will have to resent the other for poor planning that results in lost time, lost money, and fatigue. You have paid the professionals to sort out all those difficulties, and that lightens the traveling burden a lot. . Smart lady! Then just add in making sure to check in with each other and you've got this thing covered. Have a great time.

You know what really works? Find a common enemy. As long as there is someone on the trip that annoys you more than each other, you will get along fine. That right there is human nature proven time and again throughout history on every scale including personal relationships. Beyond that respect each others boundaries and agree to compromise. Easier said than done. The most common sticking point is monetary, if you are both on the same budget that is a good start. You will either get along fine or you won't. There is only so much you can consciously do to make it happen. Since you ultimately can't control if you are compatible or not try not to worry about it ahead of time. Worrying about what you can't control is the main cause of stress. Being aware of it while it is happening is the cure. Same goes for getting along with your partner. Being aware of what is causing friction is the way to avoid it.

Very smart to do the RS tour. I would advise that you think of this as two individuals who know each other traveling in a group, rather than being a pair. I have friends I just can't travel with, so we don't - our longest outings may be shopping, dinner and a movie. Travel doesn't have to be a litmus test for friendship.

In May/June we did three weeks in England and Scotland with another couple. We discussed travel styles and all the other things you should know before you go. Well when we got there they wanted to stick with us for every minute, every meal, every sight. The only time we got to ourselves was when we went to a soccer game. I think its because we are much more experienced travelers than them, and the husband especially seemed fearful. We returned friends but I don't want to travel with them again. The tour will be good--more people to lose yourselves amongst.

Our situation is a little different. But we have traveled on RS tours several times with another couple. When the tour group eats meals together we two couples split up and do not eat at the same table. Then of course we do eat
together when dining on our own. It seems we get to know the other couples better that way also. We discuss this before the tour begins.

"Get the hell away from me!" seems to be a common theme. It worked well recently on our family vacation with two young adult daughters. We all, including my husband and I, would get up when we wanted and split up for the day. We'd meet up for dinner. Everybody happy. The key to family togetherness is not having so much of it.

adjust your behavior according to the time, need and situation.

Usually it is just my husband and I travelling together but on a 3 week trip with our adult daughter we agreed that each day one person would have "veto power". We would plan our day's adventures and where to eat together but if there was no consensus, the person with veto power that day would be the decision maker. We all get along well anyway so this did not come up much, but we had that built in for just in case and did use it a couple of times.

Consider picking up a couple of basic phones when you arrive in Europe. Spending time apart isn't annoying, but spending hours trying to rendezvous later can be. With a pair of cell phones, when it's rendezvous time, you can call your partner and coordinate where and when you will meet up. You also won't have to worry if you're partner is okay. If something were wrong, they could call you. As always have a backup rendezvous plan - in case a battery dies, a SIM card runs out of time, or a phone gets lost.

Have an agreement between you that it is OKAY to take some time to be by yourself during the trip without the other person taking offense.

If you can, some time in the near future, take a weekend road trip together. After some sightseeing, several meals, and a night or two in a hotel, you will have a good idea what each other's travel styles are. You will have plenty of time to talk things over and negotiate if necessary before the big trip. That's one less thing to worry about, and you can relax and enjoy your trip preparations.

Thanks for all your help! I'll share your suggestions with my friend.

Different sleep habits: I'm generally an early riser and I don't like to nap during the day. My main travel partners (years ago, a friend, now, my wife) are generally the opposite. Here's the agreement we've reached. I'll let the other person sleep when they want to, but I won't sit around the hotel room waiting for them. I'll use that time to explore on foot, or if it's in the afternoon, go to a café and read. Because my wife and I usually travel with our dog, I may use that time to walk the dog... and because she's very friendly and playful, we usually make new friends on our strolls.

A friend and I have talked about devising a travel questionnaire when traveling with a new travel partner. (Perhaps we can put one together on this site.) It is much easier to adjust to one's idiosyncrasies, if you know about ahead of time. For example, I let people know that I need some down time alone when I travel. I may go to a sidewalk cafe for a couple hours to soak in the local color. This way they won't take it personally; it's just part of my style. If one of us gets up sooner, go down to join others at breakfast instead of waiting. Establish meeting times, so you don't have to be joined at the hip. I've discovered that separating is a good idea. That way when we get back together we can share conversation about the people we've met and things we've done. Be flexible! Know that everything will not go smoothly. Plan Bs are a part of the adventure of traveling!