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How do we extricate ourselves gently from a local guide?

My husband chats with people all over the US and Europe on an internet board. We've had many lovely meals with people he knows online when we've visited their cities, or they ours. Last month we made arrangements to meet an online friend for dinner in Amsterdam. Before we left we were concerned to hear he was taking two days off for our visit. We immediatley tried to nip that in the bud saying we weren't sure of our schedule, only have 2 1/2 days etc, he jokingly said "don't flatter yourselves", that he had other errands to run during that time frame.

The day we arrived we arranged to meet him late the next afternoon once we'd returned from Keukenhof Garden (which, thankfully it turns out, he'd already been to a few weeks before). We took a canal cruise, visited the Ann Frank house, walked a bit of the town with him and had dinner. We treated him to all the activities, thankful to have his companionship and a native guide.

After dinner he said he'd meet us the next afternoon! Neither of us quite knew what to say, but were both thinking we needed to be cranked up to the max to charge through museums, some of Rick's walking tour, etc on our one remaining day.

We didn't want to be rude so we said we'd meet him the next afternoon. We ended up just racing through the first part of the day so we could meet him later, only to be 30 minutes behind our agreed upon time, losing him while he went to get a beer while waiting on us, getting to the museum he'd suggested too late to get in, and paying for another dinner!

Anyone have any gentle but direct words to tell someone it's been nice meeting them, but we'd now rather spend the rest of our visit on our own?

Posted by
7209 posts

Perhaps you could use this as a learning experience for future encounters...be upfront about your expectations BEFORE you meet with people.

Posted by
671 posts

My two ways of handling it are either telling them that I will call them "if I get a chance" when I am in town or not telling people at all. I know it feels a bit cold, but I am not good at telling people, "Don't take this personally, but you are ruining my vacation!"

Posted by
11507 posts

It was your trip , you ruined it not him. I would have just said, " tomorrow this is our plan, we won't be able to meet you in the afternoon, but did you want to meet us for dinner?". I would have set the time and had him suggest the place. Or you could have said "we want to see such and such tomorrow, you could join us then".

Remember you need to set clear boundaries , no one takes advantage of you without your allowing them to. He was most likely a very nice person, and likely did not realize he was cramping your touring, by just agreeing with him you now resent him , which is a shame.

Posted by
11507 posts

I bet he suggested they meet, and they wanted to be " nice" so they did.
As I said, don't be " nice" if you are really resentful, it only hurts everyone.

Posted by
12315 posts

My wife has relatives in Germany. We always make a little time to visit when we are in the area. To me those days aren't touring days. I plan nothing other than an opportunity to live like locals (except for work). Anything we see is a bonus and something I can cross off my list for our touring days. We go for about a month each time, so it's not as urgent for us to fill each day.

Maybe the best thing is what was said before. Let them know your plans for the day and ask if they want to get together for dinner.

Posted by
319 posts

I really don't understand it, but I think this is becoming more common in American culture. We're afraid to say no to anyone!

I would politely tell your friend that you were planning on having a nice leisurely day the next day, just the two of you, followed by a romantic dinner (which implies that it's just the two of you). He shouldn't be put out, unless he's a moocher, but if he was that's his problem. I'm sorry there was a misunderstanding, but this was our plan all along, is all I would say.

As others have said, only you can inconvenience yourself, and it does your friends no favors to make nice resentfully.

Posted by
18 posts

Well she did say they did tell him right away when he said he took the time off but HE said he did have other stuff he had to do. Although I would have told him the next day sorry but we have things planned already. I don't see where there is a problem meeting with people for a day. This person though seemed to want to spend all the time together,-Or to get an extra free meal and some free admissions.

Posted by
1170 posts

Well Cam, I think it worked out great then.

One side wanted a local guide.

The other side might have been looking for a free meal.

Posted by
186 posts

I did not mean to imply that our friend in Amsterdam is a mooch. We invited him to meet us. We were a twosome and he a single, and we were appreciative of him showing us the sights for the first afternoon and evening so we were happy to treat him to admissions and dinner. I should not have made the comment about the second meal.

He is a very nice person and has many common interests and common online friends with my husband. But both of us were concerned with fitting him into our busy schedule the last day of a whirlwind visit to Amsterdam, and uncomfortable with his generosity with his time, and were loathe to say anything to offend him. So, yes, we did wimp out and said nothing and ended up being resentful. That's why I asked for some advice and words to use if such a situation comes up in the future. We don't think well on our feet and it would be nice to be prepared with a direct, yet tactful and appreciative of the offer, way to say "no thank you".

Posted by
1170 posts

Faith, some people cannot take a hint, and I know you didn't want to be rude, so the best thing would be to try and be firm about your plans the following day, but thank him/her kindly for the day or time they spent with you. Easier said than done, I know from experience!

Maybe next time you could say something like, "We would love to do XYZ today/tomorrow especially since we ALREADY have made our plans for the remainder of the stay."