Help me talk my Mom "off the ledge".

Hi Gretchen Hmmm...would it be possible to sit down (or on the phone) with your mom and just talk out what your course of action would be in the event of her worst case scenario happening? Her knowing you have a plan (whether it's contacting the embassy or having travel insurance that would help get you home, having room on an emergency credit card for a quick flight to a different country, etc...) might lessen her fears a bit. Even if you know the chances of anything going wrong is slim to none, showing your mom that you've thought out what you would do in the event something should happen might help her relax a bit. If that's not a conversation you can have with her, then maybe you can arrange to contact her on a regular schedule, whether that's every day, every other day or whatever you're comfortable with and works with your travel schedule. That way she'll know you're doing ok, having a great time, learning lot's of new things and meeting great new people. Mom's are going to worry no matter what (mine worries a lot too when I travel, but she keeps it in, but I still know she gets really anxious), so you won't be able to completely erase all her concern and anxiety. Assure her you've thought what to do in the event of an emgerency, and you will be traveling with people who are well respected in the business (ETBD) and that you will be excited to tell her all about your trip when you get back. Have fun!

I can reassure you that your logic is quite correct. Unless you were going to Hatay, the province right at the Syrian border which has been getting refugees, you are in no further danger than someone is in San Francisco because of the high murder rate in Ciudad Juarez. However, reassuring mothers is another matter. I was lucky last year than mine actually wanted to go to Turkey and was the instigator of the trip; we went in October 2011 and she LOVED it (as did I). That did not stop her for worrying about some other trips I have proposed, although now that's she been to Turkey and seen the reality, she's less easily scared. The reality is that Istanbul, in the areas that tourists want to see, is fine. The areas that tourists don't see may or may not be safe, but I wouldn't know - why would I go prowling around areas of no interest to see if they're safe? As always, carry a card from your hotel at all times, so you can always hop in a cab and be brought back. Maybe agreeing to make more calls or send more e-mails than you ordinarily would could assuage her. Or maybe the fact that you're on an organized tour, from a reputable outfit that has been in business quite a while, will make her see common sense (no company wants trouble, because that could be the end of its business). Or maybe you know someone who has been to Turkey. One thing my mother noted was that, when she told people of our upcoming trip, those who had not been were often nervous, but those who had been had nothing but raves about the place. Some people will worry no matter what; if that's the case, you may just have to endure it until you get on the plane, and then surprise her by coming back in one piece!

Part of it may also relate to the loss of your Dad recently. How about coming out and saying..."What is this all about Mom?" Maybe she is afraid if something happens to you there will be no one to take care of her? She may not be able to express something like that because she may not be aware of it herself. I'm guessing no amount of reassuring her you will be safe is really going to take care of the problem.

Gretchen, I tend to agree with Pam that perhaps the loss of your father just a short time ago is at least partially responsible for your Mom's apprehension. However, you didn't mention whether you had any siblings, or whether your Mom would have friends or other family members to spend time with while you're away. One important thing to keep in mind is that the Guides for that tour all live in Turkey, and they will be the best source of information on whether current conditions are stable enough for tour groups. I've met many of the Guides for Turkey, and they're extremely professional and capable (and also a lot of fun). Do you know yet who your Guide will be? There are inherent risks with travel anywhere (including here at home), but in most countries in Europe the biggest problem is pickpockets and petty theft. Be sure to wear your Money Belt! AFAIK, Turkey hasn't been subject to the same type of "civil unrest" and demonstrations that have been taking place in Greece lately (hopefully Greece will settle down after their next elections in a few weeks). As Harold mentioned, it might allay her apprehension if you keep in touch frequently by E-mail, text messages or even the occasional phone call. Will you be travelling with a Cell phone or Netbook? Skype is another option. Good luck and happy travels!

Oh, your poor mother! (And you, too!) Her world's been rocked to her core; I'm sure your travel plans are very distressing to her, especially if this would have freaked her out 5 years ago, too. Do your best to arrange for some type of communication - phone calls, emails, both... - but make sure she understands that due to tour schedules, bad cell towers, icky wifi, that you may be a little late getting in touch with her. Whatever you do, though, keep your appointment with her. You're aiming for dull, boring, monotonous, soothing, reassuring routine. You can tell her that Turkey is not on the State Dept Travel Alerts nor Travel Warnings lists. Are you going to the absolutely safest place on the planet today? No. But...I'd go to Turkey waaay before traveling to Mexico these days. Follow the State Dept's advice for travel to Turkey (such as their STEP Program). Do your friends live in Turkey, or are you merely meeting them there? Perhaps your mother is worried about 'you unchaperoned, innocent lambs' wandering around Turkey on your own...DO stay in touch with news organizations - your ETBD guide should help you with that. Remind her that your trip to the airport is likely much more dangerous than anything you might get yourself into in Turkey!

...AND please come back to this thread after your wonderful trip and let us know how well she, and you, coped!

Gretchen, One further thought occurred to me..... I wouldn't bother calling the ETBD office. While I'm sure they'd be happy to help, they're usually fairly busy and "placating the fears of nervous Mothers" is somewhat of an unusual request. You might instead have your Mom read through some of the tour reviews for the one you'll be taking (or other tours in Turkey), especially the "Wow Moments" comments. Unfortunately, the tour reviews are now arranged in somewhat of a "goofy" order (IMHO), but at least this will provide some idea on the experiences of others. If I read your post correctly, you'll only be taking the Istanbul In 7 Days tour? If that's the case, you won't be anywhere near the border of Syria. However, even if you were taking one of the other tours in that area, it's important to remember that the situation in Syria is mostly internal (ie: a civil war), so although refugees may be arriving in Turkey, there's been no military action near the borders. One other thing that might help would be to start a Blog, and post to it every day (with pictures and video), so that she could follow your trip and "live vicariously". If you need suggestions on Blogs, post another note. If it's any consolation, my parents were always worried about me travelling abroad, even when I was in my 50's and visiting "safe" countries like the U.K. These fears seem to occur with people who have never travelled to the countries they're concerned about, so they have no knowledge of what it's like there. Cheers!

I would second the suggestion to share with your mother what the company says about what they do with cancellations and what plans they have in case of a problem that comes up on the tour. You might call them and see what they say, and then ask the person you talk to if they will talk to your mother on the phone. I took students on an EF Tour to Turkey and Greece this March (btw, no problems or iffy situations at allI felt completely comfortable in Turkey, more than I have at times in a few other places regarded as "safe"...mainly in the US!), and because they deal with a lot of parents of the young people who travel with them, they have great customer service in this regard. I'm sure RS does, too, and you'll probably find someone in their customer service dept. who will understand the situation of an older parent who has suffered a recent loss and be willing to explain to her on the phone. Maybe she will hear what an "authority" has to say about the trip (you know you'll always be a six-year-old in pigtails to her :-), not an authority on international politics or travel). And she may be reassured by their explanation of the plan.

Do you live close enough to her that you could go 'round to her house with one of Rick's Istanbul/Turkey DVDs and watch it with her? Then she could see all the marvelous things you'll be seeing, as well as the smiling, friendly people. And then ask her what she wants you to bring back for her. :) As most everyone else has said, do promise to keep in touch with her on a regular basis. If you're able, post or send photos of yourself so she can see that you are, indeed, very much alive and completely unscathed. However your mom reacts up till the time you leave, just be calm, smile and remain firm in your resolve to take this trip and have an amazing time!

I'm sorry your Dad passed away Gretchen. I agree, your Mom is probably more worried because of that happening. Her sense of security will have been shaken.
So, be kind and patient; stay calm when you talk to her. make sure she has a way of getting in touch with you while you're away, and stay in touch with her as much as you can. Do you have another relative, maybe an aunt or uncle, who could talk to her, tell her it's quite safe? That might help. Turkey is a beautiful country. I went there twice last year. It really is safe except at that border, which, as you say, is hundreds of miles away.

Hello again everyone, I agree with everything you've all mentioned thus far (yes James, even you. ;). I do have two older brothers, one of whom lives only 2 miles from her (I live 4 hours away), so she wouldn't be alone if something happened to me. But, that doesn't mean she won't worry. Usually when I travel, her worries are restricted to assuming I'm going to be in a plane crash (even though she takes a plane at least twice a year), but she tends to believe and over generalize what she sees on the tv and (mistakenly) assumes that Turkey is just another Middle East country. Of course, the last two times I went to Scotland and Italy - pretty innocuous on the world political front. I know that she will worry regardless of what I say (that's the nature of worrying), but more words of advice would probably be helpful if you have any more advice? THANKS!

If I were in your shoes I would tell a white lie. Say that you've listened to her advice and switched to Rick's Scandinavian tour. I'm not being a wise guy, I would actually do it. Nothing you say to your mom is going to calm her fears. If the fact that Syria borders Turkey is the root of her concern, her thinking that you will be on the other end of the continent will make her sleep better at night. No one will be any the wiser.

Up until Michael's post, I was going to suggest that you let her read this thread. You still could, unless you're going to use the old Scandinavian Switcheroo. It would give you two a basis to discuss her worries. It would also show her that you've resorted to asking strangers how to deal with her. Does she have a sense of humor? Some of this depends on her age. If she's below about 75, and just being unreasonable and worrisome, talk to her about her fears. Then tell her you'll be fine and are going anyway. If she's 80+, fragile in thought and body, all that (unreasonable) worry can really do a number on her. In that case, you're going to Norway! And tell her Oslo has a new theme park that looks just like Ephesus.

You asked for advice so yes, I would call the office and have them explain what would happen if you were in Turkey and they had to cancel the tour. Being able to reassure your mother that there is a plan for a worst case scenario should help relieve some of her angst. I'd also remind her that Turkey isn't in the Middle East, has a low crime rate, and that YOU want to take this trip. LOVELY country. Istanbul is fantastic and if she's watching FOX News tell her to stop!

You asked for advice – I would simply tell mom that this topic of conversation is no longer available and to never mention it to you again. You can do it in a nice way. Based on what you shared in your second posting about you mother's habitual worrying, one can assume that this has more to do with her controlling personality and less to do with concern for your safety while vacationing in Turkey (maybe she really is concerned, but still...). Some people, even loved ones (maybe especially loved ones), need to be shut down and put back in their proper position sometimes. You're an adult...your mother really doesn't need to be that involved in your personal affairs, does she? She needs to respect boundaries and stay out of your personal life, but you're probably going to have to actually say this to her based on what you have shared thus far. You can be more or less firm based on her response, but the message needs to be conveyed, and she needs to know there will be consequences for not respecting the boundaries you've established.

Gretchen, I agree with the posters who say to call the ETBD office and get their official policy as to what happens in the event of a catastrophe. I disagree heartily with the posters who suggest lying to your mother about your travel destination - hope they were just being tongue-in-cheek. As a mother of adult children I know about worrying when they are away from home, heck I worry about them when they are home. Guess it's just the nature of the beast. Actually one of my daughters is living in the Ukraine right now and works just a couple of blocks from where the bombs went off a couple of weeks ago. Before that she lived in South Korea for 3 years. My other daughter mostly does road trips in US and Canada and I worry just as much about her. So, do I worry? Absolutely! Would I discourage them from travelling because of my worries? Absolutely not!
Would I forgive them if they lied to me about where they were going? Maybe, eventually, probably. Hope you can get the information that will lessen your mother's worries. ps: I've been to Turkey and loved it, but that was before all the recent unrest in Syria. Would I go again today? Yes, yes, yes.

"...I disagree heartily with the posters who suggest lying to your mother about your travel destination - hope they were just being tongue-in-cheek..." I was absolutely not being tongue and cheek. People tell loved ones white lies all the time to prevent hurting peoples feelings. Granted this might be on the extreme end of the scale but it happens all the time. A few years back a relative of mine passed away, to most of my half of the family's surprise the funeral was officiated by a Catholic priest despite the deceased being born and raised as part of "Moses's Tribe". He converted many years back didn't tell half the family....and I don't blame him.....

I'm no psychologist, but there's a big difference between a healthy parent - adult child relationship and an unhealthy one. Parents will always worry about their kids, no matter how old the kids are. As long as boundaries typical in our culture are respected, that can be normal and healthy. But what's being described by the OP seems to be something that is quite unhealthy...an insecure, immature mother controlling the daughter. That's what it sounds like anyway, and my advice would be to nip it in the bud (or go to counseling together).

My guess is that there is little you can do. Sounds like she has an irratational fear. And, by definition, irrational behavior will not respond to logic and reasoning. Do what you can to satisfy yourself and accept the idea that you cannot get her off the ledge. She will be fine when you gt home.

Hoping your mom hasn't read the news about the bomb that got diffused at the McDonald's in Istanbul just this morning! Mothers are perpetual worriers whether you are 4 or 54. Some of them get a little wackier as they age speculating about all the bad things that "could happen". Frankly, I think the closer they get to facing their own mortality, the more this neurosis pops out... understandable for her since your dad passed away that she's really starting to ramp up the nervous Nellie routine. Moms are also extremely good at laying on a whole lot of guilt, especially towards their daughters. So it's entirely up to you as to how you respond to that tactic. My mom used to be a big champion of letting her kids travel on their own, which is why by the time I was 20 I had already traveled around parts of Europe, much of Mexico and areas of the Carribean either solo or with friends. But when I hit my 30s and suddenly announced I was taking a year to travel solo around the world, she tried to lay on the guilt with many "what if" scenarios of the worst kind. I told her to stifle it because "what ifs" can happen anywhere, even at home. I took my year, promised I would keep in touch by phone & would email my sister when I could. She got over it and started to enjoy getting post cards from all over. The one time she freaked out during my trip was when I had accidentally left my wallet with my 1 day's spending cash in a gas station restroom & some nice person turned it over to the police who then found a card inside the wallet with my parents phone number on it. Getting a call at 3AM from the police in New Zealand caused her a sleepless night imagining the worst, but she laughs about it now! So I don't recommend telling her a little white lie about where you are going. I suggest you put on your big girl panties and just tell her you love her, but this is how it's gonna be.

I am really going to disagree with comment that the ETBD staff are to busy to address the concerns of older mother. I think Rick would be appalled by that thought. If you call them you should have some specific questions in mind. Who should my mom contact if she doesn't hear from me? (and make sure you set up a reasonable schedule and involve your sibs in the plan.) What is the plan if there are problems? Have there ever been issues with this tour? In other words provide her with a lifeline--monitored by sibs--and give her lots of reassuring stats. You could also break down and have a cell phone she can call. ; ) Pam

Unfortunately Moms worry in general but your Mom has additional reasons. That being said I assume you feel safe about going, then after you ck w/ ETBD on in the event of scenario and relay it to her. Then she will know you have done your homework w/ contingency plans. I was on RS tour of Best of Turkey this March. It was fabulous, our guide and driver was very aware of as much as humanly possible. We only stayed in one affliated american hotel and did not dine in american style restaurants. many big cities around the world are at risk these days. The question really is are you ok w/ going-I assume yes.
Stay in contact with her often so she knows you are safe, give her your itin.

Coming from the Mom perspective... I also had a very tough time "letting" my daughter travel to Turkey for a week last month (not that she asked my permission or anything). Your mom is probably going through a lot of "what-if" scenarios, which tend to make one more nervous because they are always the bad what-ifs, never the good ones. What helped me get off my ledge is that my daughter gave me a good (detailed) itinerary & we also set specific contact or check-in times, that were NOT to be missed. Even just a quick email or WhatsApp text. Kind of a pain for her at times, but it made a world of difference to me. Just reassure your mom that you have thought this through & will be just as careful as you are at home. By the way, my daughter had a wonderful trip & loved Turkey & its people! Good luck & have a great trip!

Hi Gretchen,
Your Mom is just worried about losing another person who's loved a whole lot. Much of the advice you've been given will be reassuring to her and checking in with her will help. I live just south of Houston and, while the border with Mexico is only an eight hour drive, we don't have any problems with the drug cartels here. A friend went to Africa recently and everyone was afraid for her safety. She said to look at a map. Any trouble was over 2000 miles from where she was going. I'm sure the tour will keep you safe, besides getting tourists hurt is something nobody wants. Have a good trip.

You could say, "Mom, I know you like to worry. It's what you do. I'm just trying to keep you busy."

Just curious as to the age of the OP. If she is 18, 19, 20, or anywhere near there, mom's concerns may seem a bit more normal since daughter would have been living at home very recently and may be viewed by mom as more of a kid than an adult. Still, boundaries need to be established and communicated now that daughter is an adult and out on her own. If daughter is 40, then wow! At that point, not only is the mom insecure, immature, and controlling, but the daughter probably has a few insecurity and immaturity issues to work through as well. I don't intend this observation to be mean spirited in any way, but daughter needs to take care of this problem if she intends to correct mom's behavior even beyond what's happening with this trip. It's one thing to leave an itinerary or contact list with a trusted relative or friend, just in case a nuclear war erupts in your favorite vacation spot. But soothing mother over and over before daughter leaves and checking in regularly while on vacation just enables and encourages mom's continued unacceptable behavior, and, frankly, is weird. Of course, daughter could disagree with me, go with the advice of many here who suggest coddling mom, and continue being an enabler. BTW, Ceidlah's response gets a like vote.

Just go. As someone else noted, rational logic is useless against irrationality. Assuming your mom is otherwise a fairly level-headed person, she'll likely get over it if you decide to go without her approval. And if she isn't level-headed... this won't be the last time she'll try to interfere with your life. Don't pass up the opportunity for a trip to Turkey.

To help alleviate some of your mother's concerns, I suggest registering with the US State Department. Through the STEP Program, you give the US State Department information about your trip (dates of travel, hotel information, etc) so that the government can assist you in case there is an emergency and keep your relatives in the US informed.

Do NOT try to placate her by telling her you will call her at specific times during this trip as other people have recommended! If you do that, you are setting yourself up for even more guilt dropped on your head with the "You said you would call me on Monday at 3pm and I did not hear from you and that made me frantic with worry!". Don't fall for it. Simply say "I will call you once in awhile to check in and if you aren't home I will leave a message on the answering machine.". Don't commit to exact times or even exact days. Something could come up and you'll be having too much fun to remember to make a call when promised. Just like they say "Don't feed the trolls" on an Internet board, don't feed the irrational worry-wart!

What I actually meant earlier was that the contact "times" were more like every few days send a text or even a WhatsApp "K". It would definitely be crazy to try to set up actual times/dates - kind of like adding even more stress to the everyone! Even my son saying she had posted something on facebook "counted". While I never really talked to my daughter, just getting those few contact texts, posts, etc. helped me realize she was going to be just fine. Enjoy your travels - mom will be fine in the end!

This reminds me of a friend of mine, she was about to embark on a once-in-a-lifetime trip all over the middle east and north africa right when the arab spring started. She panicked and cancelled ALL of her trip, even though half of it was in Turkey. I tried to assure her that Turkey was totally safe and already being a democracy there was little chance of spillover there, but she refused to listen. What a shame. There's nothing you can do but try to educate your mom about the reality of life in Turkey. Send her links to articles that portray Turkey in a positive light. And just know that she's going to worry no matter what, and have fun!

Seriously James, why bother adding your thoughts? Gretchen, my dad was like that after my brother died. He worried so much when we were going to Yugoslavia just before the war broke out. I think it's normal that they react this way, even though we are adults. Hope you can get her to be comfortable. Bless her heart. My sister rad recently in Istanbul and though she was a bit apprehensive at first. It worked out well. Enjoy your trip.