Giving each other space

My husband and I are going to Sicily in May and he really wants to go hike Mt. Etna and I do not. We hiked up Mt Vesuvius a few years ago and I do not think much of walking in volcanic dirt. But this is unusual for us to do. We usually are much like you and your wife.

I also think your answer depends on whether you want to do different things like my case above (and baseball game example for you) or if you just want to mix it up with some different company. We have done some small group tours that gave us the opportunity to interact with different people and we have enjoyed “reporting” back later. You might think of doing some types of group activities even together over the course of a longer trip for some variety.

When we traveled, my ex used to not get out of bed until I was showered and dressed. He'd then get really upset if I even suggested going down for the hotel's breakfast without waiting for him to shower and dress. He was also horribly afraid of heights—if I wanted to do something 'tall', I had to either stifle it or suffer his misery, as he would insist on joining rather than relaxing and waiting for me. These weren't why I ended our 12 years relationship, but are certainly illustrative of part of it. I'll never again travel with someone so clingy—romantic or platonic.

I have a bit of a different perspective on this and it provides two opposite answers. I am a widow, so part of me says, "spend every minute you can with your spouse and treasure it." The other part of me says, "you need to be sure that you can develop and maintain your interests and ability to do things solo, so that if you lose your spouse you can keep going."

There are pros for making sure that you are spending time together and pros for making sure that you can enjoy yourselves apart. Maybe the real answer here is to strike a bit of a balance?

Years ago on the South Italy tour we were on the Amalfi coast and planned to take a boat to Capri on our free day. The water was too rough that day and the boats were canceled so we walked around and had lunch. We went back to the hotel and I went out again to a shop we had passed to get a few little items for our daughter in laws. My husband declined and stayed at the hotel to read. I found some more cute shops and spent time talking to a shopkeeper. When I got back to the hotel hubby was standing in the room practicing his golf swing I laughed and asked if he was ready to go home and he said yes. We had been gone for three weeks and still had six days to go. He often travelled overseas for work but not for four weeks. And it was golf season. He enjoyed his day and I enjoyed mine. That evening he was telling me about the book he just finished about Pompeii and I showed him what I bought. We were going to Pompeii next so the timing was right.. It worked out for both of us.

We normally spend most of our time together, but we don’t hesitate to go our own ways when we want to see different things. It just makes sense to split up now and then so we both get to see our top priorities. Also, my husband likes to nap every day in the late afternoon. I feel no obligation to sit around waiting for him to wake up. We are both pretty independent and enjoy being alone as well as together, so this approach works for us.

The only time we split is if there is some sort of shopping (she never buys, just looks) then I may go sit in a pub or coffee shop or park nearby. Otherwise we share all experiences. Mostly because we have the same interests.
We don’t seem to need our own space. It is not a thing that ever even comes up.

My husband and I usually do things together on vacation, even though we are polar opposites on personality tests and one of us is an introvert (me) and he is an extrovert. But...I am usually the planner so even at home, I can say, "Let's go (fill in the blank)...and he is usually willing.
However, on a trip to Brugge (on my short list) several years ago, my husband signed up for an all-day WWI tour, while I very happily wandered the streets and museums of Brugge. I felt very comfortable by myself in that small city. We both had a great day.
So I guess it would depend on the location/city to separate for a day or few hours.
Locally, several years ago, he signed up for a fly-fishing workshop in Bend (several hours away by car). I love Bend, so we stayed at a hotel convenient to a shopping complex and trails. So I was fine without a car while I wandered the shops and walked the trail close by.
Seems like, if you want to go to an "infinite" number of baseball games, you could find a hotel in an area where your wife could find things to do or see that would meet her interests. How about a nice resort?

Carol now retired: I "get" what you are saying. My husband and I have been married "forever," but know our situation could change any day. Yesterday, we played our ukuleles and sang at a Memory Care Facility. It was sobering to me to see that some of the people there were younger than me.
So...good advice to "develop and maintain interests solo."

We have a very full house, three adult children live with us and one grandchild. So with that being said we LOVE our alone/trip time together. So no we never split up in the sense of doing two totally different adventures. He may want to go look at a Cigar/Whiskey shop and I he will set me up in a café and wait for him, I love people watching and just absorbing the vibe. Plus he does not want me wondering alone in a strange country for safety reasons, it is his thing and I respect that boundary he has cause it is really no sweat off my back, have a pastry and coffee in Paris at a café and rest my tired dogs, yes please!!! I really love the idea of being up at dawn to roam the streets alone, but again not sure if hubby will go for that.

In our normal day to day life, we know each other enough to understand that we have different interest and fully encourage each other to explore that with like minded people, even when it is not each other. My husband hates musicals, so I have my friends who I plan trips to LA with to see them. I am not much of an outdoor rough it type girl so he does some boondocking/outdoor adventure trips with his friends and I get to stay home snuggled up with a good book.

On all our trips together we have never split up. He hates shopping but will go with me while on vacation. I’ve learned to love maritime museums listening to him explain things. He was in the Navy and Merchant Marines for awhile. He’s not religious but attends Mass with me and visits churches. I’ve gone to soccer and water polo games for him and am even learning to like them. We can learn from each even after 42+ years together. So far, so good.

This is the short version........
Married six years and on our first long trip to Europe where we were on day 14 of a 28 day journey (driving) when wife insisted I pull over and drop her off at side of road. I said, "FINE!" and promptly deposited her and drove over the next hill thinking she would wise up and come walking to me (we were in Austria). No wife appeared and so I returned to see her speaking with a couple who had stopped to ask if she needed help (they spoke English). As I drove up she said "Here comes the source of my woes."............. sigh...................
We drove a bit and stopped for lunch where we asked, "When have we ever been together 24/7 for two weeks?" And then we figured it out, being apart can be a good thing for the health of our journey. Good valuable lesson we continue to utilize, it is okay for you to have time for yourself.

We've been together for 47 years, but I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have made it if one of us felt compelled to be joined at the hip to the other all the time. Fortunately, neither of us does. While we generally are happy to spend most of our vacation time together, neither of us is averse to splitting up for a day. His love of military history knows no bounds, while my interest in ANOTHER military war museum or battle site is definitely finite. Likewise his tolerance for art galleries and museums is considerably less than mine. We feel free to give each other the opportunity to indulge our individual interests on our own, and then enjoy the rest together. We have even (gasp) gone on separate vacations a few times. He has gone on golf trips with his pals, and I've done a few long weekend getaways with my daughters or girl friends. It's all good. One does what works best for you as a couple. Thre is no one size fits all.

Develop and grow interests together, because you won't be together very long. and apart for eternity, where there will be plenty of solo time.

Anyway, I don't know what's up with the women in our family but I wake up, have a bit of coffee and cereal, and am ready to go. 30 minutes.

But no. They've got to "get ready." For what? A beauty pageant?

Half of the fun of travel is experiencing things together, not separately. When in Paris on business alone, for example, I might stumble across something interesting, but it's rather muted without Mary being there to share it with me. It's nowhere close to the same showing pictures and describing it in words. Nothing replaces the moment together. Not the same magic.

Explain a great rock concert or opera to someone who was not there. You can't, really. Probably not at all.

In over four decades together I've never enjoyed being apart from her. We'll be apart forever in the not-too-distant future. Think about that next time your husband is being "annoying." I do not need "alone time" from her. We can be together, quietly, and have the best of both worlds. Our minds are synched quite well after 40 years.

Plus, every several days, a week at the most, and I need some lovin' wink-wink!

I travel with various people besides my spouse, and no matter who I travel with, it can sometimes be hard to be together 24/7 and a little time apart is a good thing.

Allan, My husband and I spend 95% of our time together when we travel but he loves to mountain climb and I cannot (health reasons). At home, he climbs the Sierras with friends. In France last summer, he took a day hike in the Alpilles while I toured art museums in Nice. I was great to get together at the end of the day to share our different experiences.

Kaye

Great discussion.

I remember on our 3-week France driving trip in 2011 we took to looking at each other and saying "bugger off". But you know that's the only trip where we seemed to grate on each other. Other than that we've gotten along really well, even on long trips. I think we've learned to understand how each other wants to travel. I did try to get away from him in Paris once (a different trip), but he wanted to stick together even though he had no interest in the Museum I was headed to.

Like you Chris is an early bird and sleeping patterns cause the most stress between us. He's also a world champion napper. Our pattern is usually up and out early (always first to the breakfast room), sightseeing, and back to the hotel by about 4pm. He then naps, and I drink wine (this is why my one accommodation requirement is a view). Then later we head out for dinner. Unfortunately I become more and more sleep deprived as the trip goes on. I could never sleep in while he explored - total FOMO.

It’s really fun to see all these different stories! During our work years we were seldom joined at the hip and that frequently involved separate travel. We’ve continue to do some separate travel since my husband now just does work he enjoys (full retirement hasn’t happened yet), but that’s just the domestic stuff. Last year was the first time we’ve done a month internationally and I was pretty impressed that we did so well together being pretty much joined at the hip for the duration. It doesn’t bother him if I go off while he catches a rest, but between mobility and hearing issues, he’s not as comfortable going off on his own in a foreign country. I think being flexible helps.

I travel with friends a lot as my husband hasn’t retired yet so I am looking forward to traveling more together. However we operate on very different clocks. He is dead to the world at 9pm and up with the sun. I stay up late and sleep in to a more humane 7:30 am. So, in hotels that part is challenging. We try to get rooms with a living space when possible but often that isn’t so it is a challenge.

We use the "trade off" approach to trip planning. Generally, each trip is centered on one of our interests. And the next trip is centered on the other's. Works great for us.

When I have tagged along on my husbands business trips, I am off by myself all day and sometimes for dinner if they have a work meal. I am good with that, but when we do meet up I tell him about everything I did and wish that he were there to experience it.

Otherwise on regular trips together, the only time we venture off together is only for a few minutes. If I want to shop, he will go sit and have a cup of coffee somewhere. Works for both of us;)

My SO is not as into nature as I am. I can watch wildlife for hours. We'll often either split up or he will bring a book to read while I watch. Example, we went to very Northern Maine last year so I could take a puffin trip to the Bay of Fundy/Machias Island. He sat in a Cafe or by the water during the 5 hours I was with Puffins. He had fun & I had fun. The other 4 days we were together. He indulged me in moose watching & I indulged him in sports. I think a balance is right & very healthy.

Half of the fun of travel is experiencing things together, not
separately. When in Paris on business alone, for example, I might
stumble across something interesting, but it's rather muted without
Mary being there to share it with me.

That's me. No matter if I'm travelling by myself for business or with a friend on a sports trip, I'm always thinking about her and wanting to share things with her. Even while stuck for a day last week in cold, wintry Minneapolis, I saw things that I wanted to share.

I’m one of the people who commented in the recent London post for him & his wife to consider doing a couple of activities by themselves if their interests and priorities for their short time weren’t the same.

I’ll preface the rest of this by saying my husband & I are celebrating our 45th anniversary this year, and we have been truly happily married all of that time. We have taken 10 trips to Europe together - some were RS tours, I have done two solo trips in the last five years, and we had a trip to France where he joined me for my last week of a trip.

During our trips together, the majority of the time we have done everything together - and don’t need break times - LOL! We enjoy each other’s personalities and perspectives and treasure what that brings to our experiences together.

But, I am dizzy afraid of open heights. So, when our RS group went up to Mannlichen, I gladly encouraged my husband to go & thoroughly enjoy it, and I would meet back up with him in Wengen. He loved that afternoon, and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to limit his experience! We did a similar thing in Mittenwald - he was up in the heights while I had so much fun on solid ground in the Mittenwald Violin Museum.

Over time we’ve done a few more - I go to an opera, and he happily avoids it. (Which means I can purchase a nicer seat location!). And he scored doubly in Paris by going up to the top of the Eiffel Tower (we both went to the other levels previously) while I was taking a French pastry class….and he loved those that I brought back to our room….and have made numerous times now.

For our time in London this year, we’ve each shared what are the highlights we would like to see. We had several overlaps and some separate, so we will probably have one afternoon where we will each do something different. And he’s so very excited to play golf once in Wales and once in England! I wouldn’t want to take that experience away from him because I don’t play golf, and I’ve already planned gardens, teas, museums, city bike tours as options I can choose during the time he’s having a great time, knowing we each completely support each other’s hobbies and desires.

And during the trips I do solo, we catch up at the end of my day over FaceTime and have a great time sharing what we each did that day. (Back when I was working and would travel occasionally domestically or overseas for work, we also liked to end the day with a FaceTime nighttime call, too.)

So Happy Travels - however you decide to do it! ; )

Haha, very funny story, Steven! It reminded me of the trip my husband and I took after being married for less than a year. We were between jobs and decided to take all the money we had (mostly wedding gifts) and drive across the US. Neither of us had been further west than Ohio, so it was a real adventure. We had a fabulous time, but we did have a couple of fights as we too were not used to being together 24/7. I remember one of them was at the Grand Canyon. I have no recollection what it was about; I just remember stomping around the rim being so mad I could not focus on the beauty that was all around me. Of course I got over it, but not until we left. (It was a whirlwind trip and we were only there two nights.)

I always wanted to go back to the Grand Canyon, so I could actually enjoy it. We finally got our chance five years ago after 42 years —very happy years — together. : )

Not sure of the wisdom of your hubby Carroll, if he's going to make you mad, I'm not sure the rim of the Grand Canyon is the place to do it...;)

Interesting timing for this thread. Here I sit before checking out of my hotel and flying home while my husband is 1.5 hours away isolating with covid. Obviously, not the trip we had imagined. Although these are not the circumstances under which I would like to be traveling I have been able to go to museums and antique markets without feeling like I’m dragging an albeit amenable ball and chain. We usually spend most of our time together but will occasionally split up. He doesn’t really care about Titian and I have no interest in snowmobiling.

Allan, Hahaha! Good point!

(To be fair, it could have been me who started it. Which might explain why I don’t remember what it was about.)

We went to a small opera in Copenhagen.

My wife enjoyed it immensely. And she woke up when it was time to leave.

The challenge we sometimes run into is HOW we're going to visit a site. While the interests are often similar, we are on different plains in terms of physicality. We're both fit for a long day of walking, but I often want to kick it up a notch. I'll see a steep hill and suggest we walk up to see what's on the other side, while she doesn't understand why, when there's a perfectly good taxi across the street. It's also tough for us to be compatible riding bikes. I was an avid mountain biker in my younger days and a steep climb would be a good challenge, she's liable to find a taxi with a bike rack.

We're heading to Sorrento and the Amalfi Coast in April. I first learned of it in the early 90's after reading an article about a week-long kayak trip along the coast that included glamping each night. While she's able, her attitude is that if she's on vacation, somebody else had better be doing the paddling. I'm not interested in a week-long trip without her, so we're visiting the coast via traditional methods. I'll settle for a 3-hour sunrise kayak trip I found in Sorrento that paddles by a Roman villa.

Thus, my thoughts about when we start taking longer trips and if we're going to be more wlling to separate more often for day trips. I think 2 weeks is too short not to share as much time together as possible, but maybe longer trips will make it more appealing.

Great topic! When we travel, the only time we reliably separate is in museums. We decide about how long to take, then go at our own pace, read (or not read) the placards, speed up when we're "awed out", and meet at the end. There's always a museum shop or cafe for the person who finishes first. Also, it's important to me that we give each other permission to have a solo adventure if the other person would rather do something else. I think it's sad when someone says, "my husband/wife never wanted to cruise/go to Europe/etc so we never did." Solve that issue another way besides being wistful or bitter: go alone, go with a friend - but GO.

Hi Allan, I think the key is to start out slow and find a location in the trip where both of you can still be considerate of the other. For example, my husband, an avid golfer, will be playing a couple of times this year during our 2-week trip for the first time in Europe. We looked at several wonderful golf courses people recommended and then searched what was in that immediate area or a quick train ride that was also exciting for me. That narrowed it down a little, and he chose his favorites. He’s very excited, and he doesn’t have to worry that I feel my day is wasted.

For the Amalfi area, there’s a lot of options if your wife would like to hop a ferry over to Positano or Amalfi or take the bus from Amalfi up to Ravello to enjoy the gorgeous gardens. You could even meet up later in Positano and enjoy a relaxing dinner before returning to Sorrento together.

When we travel, the only time we reliably separate is in museums. We
decide about how long to take, then go at our own pace, read (or not
read) the placards, speed up when we're "awed out", and meet at the
end.

We're like that too. She tends to read everything while I will bounce around to the latest shiny object that attracts my attention. It usually works, until I find some fascinating fact that I need to share-right now, and off I go to track her down. I know my method isn't that efficient, but it works for me. It also gets me in trouble occasionally, because I'll see her studying something, and I'll take a photo of her from behind looking at the exhibit intently. I love this style of photo, but she gets angry that I've photographed her butt...

I guess I'm lucky. Mary and I can be quiet together. We don't need to blah-blah-blah all of the time, but just enjoy being with each other.

And we're both flexible. If Mary wants to go shopping or see something that's not on my list, fine. I'll tag along and get in some steps, and maybe sit outside if the weather is nice. We're in our 60s so I'd guess in 20 or 25 years we'll each have plenty of alone time.

We have evolved a bit. and to a degree, technology has helped. We used to do everything together when traveling, me boring my wife with churches and museums, her wasting an afternoon of mine by shopping. She finally put her foot down and refused to step into another cathedral unless it was something special, so we worked out a compromise.

For a given destination, I note the short list of things she must see, or I know she would enjoy. We focus part of the day on that, and then usually part of the day is her off doing her thing, me hitting some historic site.

She used to be a bit intimidated by navigating a strange town alone, and is famous for being lost in nearly every major city of Europe, but she adapted, with the help of a cell phone with data and Google Maps. We will split up, even for an hour at a time, each do our thing, then using the Location Sharing function of Google Maps, I can see her location and walk directly to her, then we are off again. At one time, the "meet up" was a problem, trying to set a time and place, then find each other, but no more.

The last few years she visits Family in Australia and Singapore and I head to the Austrian Alps for a few weeks. Most of the time we are always together on holidays. Getting away together helps keep us close. No everyday distractions.

A good third of the time on our vacations we now do separately. The first few trips we where doing everything together. This ended up with one, or the other, having to spend precious time at a site/subject/a doing, that was entirely uninteresting to them. Our later itineraries we left more open for individual exploration.

These are worked out before hand, in the itinerary, as to what we want to see together, and what we want to see separately. This does get tricky on day trips away from the home base as you have to meet up at a place at the same time for transportation and other things in an unfamiliar area.

So far, on the last four trips, this has worked out well. We both got to see what we wanted to see, and to share the common interest places and activities. And if there was an individual disappointment, it was your own, and if there was a fantastic discovery, it is also your own. Yet, it might only be a fantastic discovery in the mind of one person any way. If its really good, we will revisit it together later in the trip.

My wife and I, had both done extensive, solo travel before we were married. A shared experience is always the best, cause you can talk about these experiences, with each person seeing something and experiencing something different.

Yet, a good experience, is based on the interest one has to do/see/explore that one thing. Sometimes this is not a shared interest. And there is no reason to drag someone along, just because you have to be together all the time. . :)

My husband and I spent six weeks in Spain this past September (our first big post-retirement trip). I was concerned about spending so much time together, as my husband does not like to do things separately (nor do I, for the most part). It was fine, except I will say I always volunteered to go on my own to do the laundry so he could rest... :-)

Fun Topic. I have traveled with my sister and friends before husband and I both retired. I prefer him over my sister and friends. We have more interests together than with others. We have done traveling with a few couples we have met and friends, since we have a lot in common. We work well together! When he was sick on one of our trips, he didn’t mind me going off to explore in Paris by myself, shopping with me on our last Nov Christmas markets. He actually enjoyed it. When I asked if he was going to start traveling to Europe with me in 2016 when he retired…. Yes. He actually enjoyed his first RS tour. We are headed back to England and Scotland in May/June. We both loved the St. Louis cardinals…. going to catch the two games in june with the cubs in London. Gone for 41 days. Our longest trip in years

You obviously hit a nerve but there's no need for essays. Every relationship is different. Only you know yours. And if you don't, well then what can we tell you?

Mary and I can spend time together quietly, so there's no need for giving each other space. We can just chill and enjoy the very limited years we have together. No need to fill the air with continuous chatter. We've developed a sort of sixth sense of knowing each other. If there's something she wants to see and I'm not really into it, I'll be a sport and go along, often pleasantly surprised and glad I did.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ql1cL_y0xes

To BigMike.

This really hit home. “Develop and grow interests together, because you won't be together very long. and apart for eternity, where there will be plenty of solo time”.

This too! “Anyway, I don't know what's up with the women in our family but I wake up, have a bit of coffee and cereal, and am ready to go. 30 minutes.
But no. They've got to "get ready." For what? A beauty pageant?”

Mars, meet Venus

This applies not just to marriages but also friendships.
Prior to my meeting my wife for the first time, my buddy and I would travel to Manhattan. He recently remarked on just how effective our then-strategy was. He and I would give each other space, allowing time for the pursuit of our separate interests, then we'd rendezvous later in the day. Worked a charm.
Another friend and I traveled together and had so much in common that 'giving space' was not an issue.

Loved what RS once said, "I would never consider marrying someone whom I had not previously traveled with."
I am done. the two of us