Fear of Flying

Not sure his medical history, but sometimes anti-anxiety medicine can be a big help. I went through an extreme fear of flying phase and it worked for me. No longer need to take anything.

My husband would not fly for many years, however, for the past 10 years he has been able to overcome his fear. We do a few things to ease the anxiety before and during the flights. We try to have all our trip preparations and packing completed a few days before departure so that he is able to stay as calm as possible. We always allow plenty of time for any connections so that he is on the ground walking for awhile between flights. He has a prescription for Ativan which he takes prior to boarding each flight and he always takes along some "comfort food snacks". Whenever possible, for long overseas flights, we try to spring for business class or premium seats - the more comfortable and entertained he is, the better he feels. And focus on the wonderful new memories to be made at the destination! This doesn't work for everyone, but on some of our trips to Europe, we fly over and get the flights out of the way and then take a transatlantic cruise back to North America. We have run into fellow travelers who prefer to cruise both ways, but so far, we haven't had to do that. Good luck with your uncle.

I would agree with the getting wheel chair assistance between gates. My father is 86 and plays 3 days of tennis a week but always uses the assistance getting to the gate and between flights. It takes all of pressure off. He says that the tip money he gives them is the best investment in the trip. The first time he used it the check-in person recommended it, they now arrange it with the tickets and confirm the night before.

An 82 year old with a disabling fear of flying should not travel alone. He needs to be with you or vice versa. The medications suggested by other posters are not appropriate for his age unless he is accustomed to taking them.

I don't what the options are where he lives, but I know several airlines/airports have a "Fear of Flying" class. One of my roommates took the class and was able to fly to Germany. Good luck.

Hi Andrea, you asked for advice... if I were in this situation, I'd change my airline tickets so I could accompany him on the flight. Arrange for wheelchair assistance. Don't drug him. Get trip insurance to cover any unforeseen medical expenses.

As an alternative, wait until the twin grandchildren come to the US for a visit.

My sister is successfully using alcohol against fear of flying. She claims nothing else helped her.

Thanks everyone for your advice and concerns. I live in California and he lives in Kansas. He is about an hour away from the Kansas City airport. I told him I can only go if I use my airline miles. I anticipated flying round trip to KC, then we could fly together. I couldn't find anything that would allow us to be on the same flights. I could have called the airline to figure it out, but he didn't want me to. When he then told me he was fine to fly alone I went ahead and got my own flights. And to be totally honest, I won't be surprised if he changes his mind. I am flying into Frankfurt and spending a few days with a friend, then taking a train to Hannover. I will call him tomorrow and tell him that if he wants to fly into Frankfurt the day I plan to travel to Hannover we can take the train together. As for going home, I am staying in Europe longer. He is very old school. No computer, cell phone, etc. He plans to use a travel agent to get his ticket. I will suggest he have the travel agent arrange all the things that would make the experience easy for him. I will also suggest travel insurance. He really would only need insurance for the airline ticket and medical.

Thanks again for your responses.

For me, what I hate the most about flying is the sitting for really long periods of time in that metal tube. So being able to stop a couple of times, get off, stretch my legs, and breath other air is more desirable to me than a non-stop flight. I know I am in the minority here, but maybe this would suit him? Perhaps you can make that sound attractive to him too? Is he afraid of take-off, landing, getting lost, or the sitting for 10 hours on a plane? Find out what the fear is before you can address it.

His fear is that the plane will be shot down. That's what he says anyway. I tried to tell him that he's much safer in a plane than driving in his car. I will talk to him again tomorrow.

Ok this is the thing.....a fear of flying is an irrational fear. I. E. You are safer flying than driving etc. etc. So, you cannot rationalize with someone who has an irrational fear. He needs psychiatric help to overcome.

Andrea,

I doubt that rational, fact-based information will convince your Uncle that flying these days is safe. Has he flown before? As someone else mentioned, it would probably help a lot if someone could accompany him.

The possibility of the plane being "shot down" is extremely remote and unrealistic. Even with all the facts, one good bout of turbulence will probably upset him. I'm not sure medications are a good idea especially if he travels alone, as he may not be able to manage airports and plane changes if he's not fully "with it".

One other important factor to consider is Deep Vein Thrombosis, especially at his age. It would probably be a good idea to check with his Doctor regarding any health issues that may be of concern for him.

My thoughts: Based on your comments, I see more flies than ointment with the current plan. I flew with my 82 year old father on a couple of fairly short flights, and even though he was in good health and had no fear of flying - the security procedures and changing planes made it extremely stressful for him. Maybe your uncle should cancel his plans and wait for an opportunity to travel with somebody.

Otherwise - He will get more personal attention in Business Class - is that a possibility for him?

Andrea, matybe it’s time to bump this up to another family member. Can your parents, cousins, or somebody in Kansas travel with your uncle? You’re talking about negotiating several flights and trains. There are too many opportunities for things to go wrong. My mother is 82, in good health, and not particularly afraid of flying. I wouldn’t expect her to be able to do this.

You’re talking about negotiating several flights and trains. There are too many opportunities for things to go wrong.

With your Uncle's aversion to flying, presumably he is not an experienced traveler; having him negotiate something like this on his own is far from optimal. He would be a prime target for pickpockets and scam artists as he wandered around 'lost', especially at a train station.

Some family member should be with him. The other choice is for him to subsidize the grandkids coming to him.

One last thought--- can he be enrolled in something like an 'unaccompanied minor' program with the airline to escort him on the plane changes and have some family member meet him at Frankfurt and travel him on the train travel portion of the trip, and then do the reverse for the return trip?

Hi Andrea. Does your uncle have his ticket already? We have a relative flying from St. Louis to Sacramento this summer to fly directly with us to Switzerland. A new nonstop route (STL-SMF) starts on April 8. She too is aprenhensive about flying by herself and making connections so she is staying with us 2 days before and after the trip in order to fly with us. Our flights from the west coast were $466 each to Zurich this summer as opposed to $1400+ for her to fly from STL. So even when you add on the new Southwest flights, she's money and comfort ahead.

Lots of sound advice here (except the drugging).

1. Do not send him off to do all this alone - that's inviting disaster. A family member should accompany him. If that increases the costs significantly, so be it - consider the "costs" of all the things that could easily go wrong if he just wanders into trouble alone.

2. Do not let him make his own travel arrangements - he's going to be like a lamb taken to slaughter. He's going to find a travel agent? Good luck.

3. The worst part of flying is being crammed into a tiny, cramped seat for what seems like eternity and suffering "service" that's indifferent at best (hey, after spending a day of my life in one of those seats, I'd actually be relieved if someone shot down the plane...). Business class is your friend here - it can actually turn the ordeal of flying into a pleasure. Yeah, it's expensive...but honestly, how many times is he going to fly to Europe to see his infant twin grandchildren? At a minimum, get premium economy (every airline has a different name for it). Do NOT make the ultimate mistake of simply shopping for the cheapest flight you can find - people who do that get the experience they asked for (then they usually then complain about how awful it was).

I know, this is not what you want to hear. Sorry. But it will help you and your family have a much, much better outcome.
Good luck.

I agree with many of the others here, and I will say this VERY strongly: he SHOULD NOT be flying alone... PERIOD!

I understand your desire to have him come and participate in the family event. I understand he suggested that he could do it alone. But seniors often say they can do things when that cannot and/or should not. He has little to no experience flying, has an irrational fear about it, and is elderly which will make getting around and dealing with potential problems on connections and immigration a real issue. There are so many things that can go wrong and leave him essentially stranded somewhere. Not to mention that he is not connected to the modern world - how does he deal with text notices of flight delays and getting boarding passes and such?

The only scenario where this could work is to have someone accompany him, get a direct flight from KC to either Frankfort or Amsterdam, and then ride a train to Hannover. And the reverse to get home. Short of that, please don't even try it.

You don't say when you are going or what your intermediate USA stop is from Sacramento to Frankfurt.

Perhaps he could fly nonstop to that intermediate stop on his own, meet you there and you could go the rest of the way together. Even if you didn't sit together, you'd be on the same plane.

And if he had issues on his solo part, he'd at least still be in the US. I'm sure the airline would help him in the same way they assist underage kids.

I was using Google Flights and discovered that there are nonstops from KC to many of the potential intermediate stops. They seem to run around $200 - $350 RT, depending on airport and date. I think that's cheap to get you two together.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

A little background on my uncle - He is very fit physically. He is a retired professor from the University of Kansas and had teaching stints in Germany and Poland. He had a lot of international travel years ago, but probably hasn't flown to Europe in 30 + years. I don't know if he was always fearful of flying, but I know it has been something he has tried to avoid for decades. He did fly out to California about 10 years ago with my cousin. His children live in Germany. He has no family in Kansas. Trust me, I have talked to him about moving to California where his only family in the U.S. lives. He was supposed to go with me and my siblings to Germany in 2006 so we could spend time with the family there. He said he was going, but then made excuses why he couldn't. That isn't unusual for him. He actually offered to send my cousin money to help with the kids rather than him making the trip. My cousin told him she would rather see him than have his money. He is not very sentimental. He can't understand why I would want to go see someone else's babies. And that is what brings us to this point. He does have a travel agent and has been to see him. I'm sure the travel agent can make arrangements with the airline for him to get assistance getting between flights. If he can fly to Frankfurt the day I plan to go to Hannover I can meet him at the airport we can take the train together. After I leave Germany I am going to Paris and will fly home from there. I am willing to go back to Frankfurt with him and get him to the airport, then proceed to Paris from there. All he would have to do is coordinate his flights with my schedule. What I actually think is that he will do what he always does, and make excuses and change his mind about going. He has already mentioned that he hasn't done his taxes yet, so he has to wait for that. After the taxes it will be something else. He has excuses for everything. I told him last week that he needs to get a passport ASAP, as his expired many years ago. There is only just so much I can do from 1,700 miles away. I am 95% sure he won't go. It's sad because my cousin coming by herself with two babies is next to impossible. Her mother (my uncle's ex) would have to come with her.

The entire situation is difficult.

Lo, I am flying Sacramento - San Francisco - Frankfurt.

I really don't think this is OK to have an anxious elderly man travel on his own overseas, changing flights, and trying to make ground connections to reach family members. There are so many things that can go wrong. He needs someone with him at all times. PLEASE rethink this and arrange for him to travel with you. If the decision is made, then at least call the airlines and get him some support. You also need a family member to meet him at the airport when he arrives. Its not necessary the flying part that is going to be the most stressful - its going to be getting through TSA, hoping there are no cancelled or delayed flights, picking up luggage, navigating ground transportation - the list goes on - what will happen if he has no way to communicate with family members if connections are not made or he has a cancelled flight?

I guess I was more concerned than I should be. It sounds like you know him well and that he wants to do his own thing his own way.

Full disclosure, I love these logistical things. I was thinking he could do a multi-city trip, KC to SFO to Frankfurt and return the same way, but the coordination of the scheduling is more complicated than that.

Depending on the dates, the cheapest flight option from KC is possibly through Iceland, but there's also a possible overnight in Iceland on the way back. Doing that or a longer stopover on the way home might be interesting to him. Of course, staying in Iceland isn't cheap. Having gone through Iceland before, it is one of the easiest ways to go if you can't get a nonstop from home.

I hope all works out for the family.

Ahh, okay, Andrea, thanks for the background explanation. It is clearer now; still a dilemma.

No passport yet? Procrastination? Maybe it is his legit way out --- gracefully.

I'd wait until he has his passport, or at least applied for it. If that never happens neither does his trip.

Traylaparks, I'm sorry you feel you wasted your time. One thing about the forum is other people besides the OP can learn from posts.

I am still hopeful that he will go. We spoke an hour ago and he told me he would rather have a connecting flight to/from Hannover than take the train. I tried... He also feels he has "plenty of time" to make his plans. I stressed to him that in fact he doesn't have plenty of time to get a passport and airline reservations for a trip during high season and only approximately 10 weeks away. As mm14 stated, he might be using this tactic in order to have an excuse for not going. I had no plans to travel to Europe this year (sadly) because I have a 17 year old dog who doesn't tolerate our long absences anymore, even though my daughter comes to our house to stay with him. My husband works 48 hour shifts, so my daughter has agreed to come during those times to stay with the dog. He will be fine with that.

Whether my uncle goes or not, I am still going. I have my tickets. I can use a getaway. I am responsible for a disabled brother, my daughter who lives 400 miles away lost her husband in February and I have been back and forth multiple times helping her, and have a lot of other things going on in my life. I will enjoy visiting with the family and after helping to take care of these adorable babies I will spend some time enjoying Paris. I can only advise my stubborn uncle. I can't make his decisions for him.

Thank you again to all who have contributed to this post. It is greatly appreciated.

Andrea, another face-saving way out for him would be if his doctor suggests he not travel so far.

Can someone arrange for him to have Skype to see the babies and daughter from the comfort of his living room ?? At a later date, Amtrak to the east coast then cruise ship to Europe ??
Enjoy your own trip to see your cousins!

Yikes. Why jump on the OP. She was sincere and obviously still hopeful. The OP cares about her Uncle, and it is a dilemma. She opened up and got berated?

I agree with Andrea that others can still learn from replies, pointers or the inquiry itself. We know this is a volunteer forum. There is no demand for time (or answers)

Well said mm14.
No one is forced to “waste” their time posting on this forum.
I’ve actually learned from reading the thoughtful responses. I have extreme fear of flying myself.
Thank you for asking the question Andrea.

Thank you for your supportive responses. Yes, this is a volunteer forum. One that I have participated in for years. I haven't been on much lately and I'll admit that there are some questions that are asked so regularly that it gets tiresome. To me anyway. Rather than get frustrated with the OP, I just move along and leave it to others to answer. As far as I know, and I did do a search, this question is not asked frequently.

And I would remind everyone that Andrea was asked by her uncle to travel to Germany at the same time as he. She is not attempting to drag him against his will to Europe, nor is she motivated by a desire for him to finance her trip.
It would be wonderful if her uncle could manage to go ... but Andrea can only do so much to make happen!
I hope that it works out for both of them, and if not, I wish Andrea happy trails!

I'm going to agree with your uncle when he said he want to fly directly to Hannover. While you know the trains systems, it's just one extra step he doesn't have to take.

That being said, I looked at Google flights--not sure when you are going but you stated the height of the season so I chose July. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any one stop flights. All were two stops and 14+ hours.

At this point, it's really in his hands. He's the one that has to apply for a passport. He's the one that has to buy the tickets.

If he goes, he goes. If he doesn't, you go and have a good time. You did everything you could. He might be going through the motions but actually looking for a way to back out and save face. Give him that opportunity if he wants it. Let him know that if he chooses not to go you will understand. Perhaps that's what he is really looking for. Or, it might just kick him into gear.

Thanks Sharyn, Joe, David and Frank II. Frank II, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I would choose flying to Hannover myself. I thought he might prefer one less flight so I gave him the option to have me get him at the airport in Frankfurt and train from there. If I wasn’t using miles I would be flying to Hannover myself. I am arriving in Frankfurt on June 6 and will probably get to Hannover on the 10th. He initially told me June. He could pick a dates that would work with mine. Now he’s mentioning May. What? I’m not going to make him feel guilty if he doesn’t go. I’m going either way and will help him as much as I can considering our distance and how much he will allow.

I'm probably just agreeing with everyone here but consider:

1. Train or bus to an airport where he can get a direct flight. No need making it worse waiting in multiple airports.

2. Definitely a travel companion. A relative or friend will make everything easier.

3. Get some medical help, probably an anti-anxiety medicine to use for the flight. Ideally just sleep through it as much as possible.

4. If all else fails, consider a trans-Atlantic "repositioning" cruise to get across the ocean.

Andrea, I think you've done all you could and then some. You're truly a champ. I would leave this squarely in your Uncle's hands. I think this particular statement says it all - "He can't understand why I would want to go see someone else's babies." It doesn't sound like your Uncle really feels compelled emotionally to go on this trip (and isn't that the most important thing of all?) The drive to see your grandchildren could literally move mountains if someone is really motivated and excited. I see so many older/old folks who have conquered all sorts of fears just to be closer to their grandchildren - they learned how to use FaceTime, Facebook, e-mail, you name it, just so they can stay in touch over long distances. I'm sure it was uncomfortable for them and they felt out of their element, but they overcame that for a higher purpose. Nothing you said about your Uncle reads like he has more emotional investment in this trip than you do, and I think that's the problem here. If his heart isn't set on traveling to Germany to see his new family members, then all the efforts in the world to get him to go won't work. Trying to put everything off (getting passport, etc) and dragging feet is indicative of (lack of) motivation so I doubt this is really about the mechanics of flying.

Above all, someone who doesn't travel and hasn't flown in ages needs a very strong, compelling motivation to get out of their comfort zone for some higher end-goal...everything flows from there. I think just focusing on the flying part misses the forest for the trees.

I have the word "Psychologist" on my Ph.D. degree. One of the very most successful treatments that psychology has developed is "systematic desensitization". It's quite simple, but needs a trained professional to be most successful. The program combines relaxation training with gradual approximations of the real experience. I won't say it is 100% effective, but its very good. I think that 3-4 treatments would be enough.

About the passport.

If he still has his old one, getting a renewal could be faster than you might expect. My husband's expired in January 2017. He just renewed it. Mailed the old one and the application on March 7th, received the new one on March 26th. FWIW, he did not want to renew because he loathes flying. Odd, since he retired from Boeing and our son is a pilot. I had to remind him that at 72, I'm keepin' on travelin'. I get good medical travel insurance, but he might have to come to Europe to assist me or my remains to get back home.

My original passport expired around 20 years before I renewed it in 2007. Back then we got the pictures and the application at the Post Office. Now you can download and print the the application online. The State Department has all the info needed. If he is not able to download the application, he could, or you could help him, find out where to go to do it in person. This shows how to do that.

Where to apply depends on when the passport is needed. He is running out of time.

New rules for picture, no glasses even if you wear them all the time. Passport pictures from Costco, less than $5.00. Renewal and first time cost are the same, $110.

I hope that helps.

Hey (Neighbor) Andrea -

After considering all the psychological and logistical hurdles it would take to get your Uncle there in person, perhaps Skype or What'sApp would be the best means to 'connect' him with his grandchildren. Obviously it's not the same experience as him being there in person, but he'd still get to see them and interact with other family members, while removing the anxiety and fear which wouldn't be good for his health (nor for your peace of mind during trip, even beforehand... wondering if he's going to follow through). I know you said he's not tech savvy (join the club) but perhaps he could use the University's Library or IT facilities/support to bridge connection [factoring in the seven hours' time zone difference, you could plan for mid/late-afternoon check-in's locally where it'd be 9a or 10a in Kansas, when the Library/IT Center should be operable]. Best to you and your family!

Hi Matt, here's a funny (?) story about my uncle. First let me say he has a PHD and is not lacking in intelligence. He was visiting here in 2000 and after seeing our computer he decided he wanted one too. When he returned home he bought a computer. By the end of the month he had plugged it in. That's as far as it ever got. He didn't know how to set it up. I suggested he hire a college student to set it up. Or for that matter a high school student. Nope. About a year ago we were having a conversation about the computer and he mentioned that it was new. New? I had to explain that lack of use didn't mean it was new. It was actually quite old and that technology changes so fast.

He might be able to handle a tablet. When I was visiting him in September I tried to coordinate a Facebook video call with my cousin. It didn't happen. Skype would certainly be a good way for them to communicate.

I spoke to him Saturday and I wasn't going to bring the trip up. I was surprised when he did. He mentioned that he was doing some shopping for new clothes for the trip because he hadn't really bought anything new since he retired. That was 20 years ago. On the other hand he still hasn't applied for a new/renewed passport or gone back to the travel agent. I will follow his cues and if it seems like he's really going I can advise him the best I can. Otherwise I'm just going to go and have a good time.

Having Kansas relatives in my family, '20 years' sounds about right for barometer as to what's still considered new. :)

Know you'll have a great time, it's admirable that you're trying to make it all work for your Uncle.

Andrea, I admire your tact and sensitivity. Very nice.

Andrea, for those of us who've gotten absorbed in this situation, please let us know what finally happens!

Here's an update -

I just got an email from the mother of my cousins. She spoke to my uncle today and feels he is determined to make the trip. He applied for his passport! Yippee! That is huge! He admitted to her that he's afraid to fly, but doesn't want to disappoint my cousin. I will call him tomorrow. I might have to prod him along to book his airline ticket. I'm arriving in Hannover on June 6th. He mentioned possibly arriving on the 10th. Fingers crossed...

"He applied for his passport"

When? Will he have it by June 10?

Happy he did so, just hope it was done in time----Good Luck

Do not take advise about fear of flying from all these experts who have no idea how it feels and how it can make a good experience into a miserable one. It’s not about white knuckles. It’s about FEAR.
Go to the Doc and get a small dosage Xanax and don’t think twice about it. You can take it ahead of time to see how you react. Worst case is that you will sleep and not remember much about the flight. I’m 71 and have been taking drugs to fly mostly long international flights for 45 years. It may kill me yet but I’d rather enjoy the trip and take my chances.

Do not take advise about fear of flying from all these experts who
have no idea how it feels and how it can make a good experience into a
miserable one. It’s not about white knuckles. It’s about FEAR. Go to
the Doc and get a small dosage Xanax and don’t think twice about it.
You can take it ahead of time to see how you react. Worst case is that
you will sleep and not remember much about the flight. I’m 71 and have
been taking drugs to fly mostly long international flights for 45
years. It may kill me yet but I’d rather enjoy the trip and take my
chances.

I think you need to reread the OPs first post. The OP is talking about her 82 year old uncle, not herself. Sedating an elderly person who may have chronic medical conditions that make a benzodiapine contraindicated is malpractice. And given that geriatric patients are more susceptible to the effects of these drugs (including confusion and amnesia) makes it foolhardy to do this when he would be travelling alone and would have to make connecting flights and pass through immigration all by himself, FOR THE FIRST TIME.

I completely understand the fear of flying. I've had it for decades now. Unfortunately, drugs are not always the appropriate treatment.

I read the post and did say see a doctor.

I'm rather claustrophobic. I typically have less of a problem with overseas trips since the planes tend to be bigger/wider. It might be helpful for him to discuss his concerns. I think he needs to work with a psychologist to develop strategies, and I would be concerned about essentially being responsible for him should he panic mid flight. There are many strategies, breathing, "singing songs in your head", listening to music. Fear of flying is one of those things that is irrational for the most part, and the person that has it understands that, though it is difficult to reason oneself out of it. I have done things that I never thought I could because as a mom, I wanted my kids to have certain experiences, cave tours, elevators, etc. Perhaps not wanting to disappoint family could help him. In a few cases, I resort to medication--Ativan. But, this should be discussed with an understanding physician, especially with a person of that age.

Congratulations Andrea.... every step is a big one

I tracked the passport online and it should be delivered by the 23rd. He won't give me the name of his travel agent, so I've written him a letter giving him all the pertinent dates so he has something to refer to, as well as a list of things to help him. I suggested he contact his doctor to see if there's anything recommended for his anxiety. I've offered to get him Travel Insurance, print the policy out and mail it to him. Of course I need his travel dates to do that. I leave on June 5. He commented that it is so soon. I reminded him that he has had since late March to make his arrangements. Sigh...

Andrea, you are doing your best for him while keeping your sense of humor. I hope it all works out without causing you trouble on your trip. "Well, that was Uncle on the phone. He's in Botswana but having a wonderful time."

Lol Karen! He is sooo stubborn. Like all the men in my family. Possibly some of the women too. :-)

When I called him to get the last 4 digits of his Social Security number to track his passport he had to get the card out of his wallet. When I told him it wasn't a good idea to carry around his SS card because if he lost it he could be a victim of identity fraud, he spent several minutes telling me that when you get a job you have to provide it, and back in the old days... I reminded him that at 82 years old it was unlikely he would be in a scenario like that. He has lived in a bubble for so many decades, rarely venturing out of his small university town.

Hey, Andrea, he might get a new gig as a travel lecturer if he decides he likes flying.

Update -

There is good news and bad news. The good news is that he has received his passport.

The bad news is that he is now all of a sudden concerned about his yard. He thinks leaving home in the summer wouldn't be a good idea. He says he will now go to Germany in October or November. My theory is that seeing the passport made it more real and he is having second thoughts. June has been the chosen month for two months now. A couple of weeks ago he paid extra to expedite his passport. What changed? His yard has been there all along. So now he has cold feet. I've done everything I can do. I sent him a letter earlier in the week that he says he hasn't received. Maybe tomorrow. I told him my exact travel dates (given to him on almost every phone call since this began) and provided a list of things to do. I suggested travel insurance, asking his travel agent to request wheelchair transfers at the airports, talking to his doctor about the possibility of prescribing something to help with his anxiety, and so on. Whether he heeds my advice is out of my hands. Frankly I'll be surprised if he ever makes the trip.

Now I will go and enjoy my time with my cousins (my other cousin is coming from Cologne) and the babies. I know my cousin will be disappointed, but I don't think she will be terribly surprised. I know people have fears. It's just too bad that he can't find a way to overcome his.

Oy. Well, you’ve done your best. Now you get to focus on you and have a great time.

I've heard of a lot of excuses - and he obviously needs one and has needed one for a long time - but never a yard in summer.

If it would help I have some extra automatic watering system hose and components. LOL

Oh and a spare timer.

Andrea, you have done everything you can possibly do to make this happen for him. I agree with you-even if he gets past the "yard hurdle", some other reason not to go will surface at the last minute. Try your best to let it go as there really isn't anything else you CAN do. Try to get on with and fully enjoy your much anticipated trip! :)

Ha! I've have heard his yard excuse countless times over the years. Every time I tell him he can use sprinklers or a drip system with a timer. But no, he shuts the water off to the house if he leaves town, so that won't work. Insert eye roll here. I was frankly surprised it didn't come up sooner. Generally in the past it is his vegetable garden he is concerned about. I've mentioned that grocery stores sell vegetables. This year he never mentioned that, only his grass, so I assumed he hadn't planted one. When he informed me he wasn't going, he announced he was going to plant some vegetables to "make myself useful."

Sadly he has left it to me to tell my cousin he isn't going. I doubt she will be surprised.

I only planned this trip because of his request for me to go, and the situation isn't ideal for me right now. But I went into this knowing that he very likely wouldn't go, and that I would go with or without him. As it has worked out, everything has fallen into place and I know I was meant to go on this trip at this time. I am going to enjoy every bit of it!!

Andrea despite all of the pre trip hurdles with your uncle I know you are going to have an amazing friends and family time! Enjoy every minute if it!

As everyone has pointed out, the fear of flying is irrational. I myself have a strong fear of heights, but interestingly enough, that does not translate into a fear of flying. Someone once told me it's because the plane is not connected to the ground. Who know?

At any rate, having two sisters with that same fear, I can tell you that the fear escalates during takeoff and turbulence. You can't do anything about turbulence (and it's usually not a factor), but you can limit the number of takeoffs by sticking to direct flights. I think it's too late for this trip but if he ever thinks about doing this again, I would suggest that he find a flight closest to him that will fly there directly, and then use ground transportation to get to that flight from his home.

Also, my one sister takes Xanax and swears by it, but she is not in her 80's so that may not be a good choice for him. :)

Shame about the situation Andrea, but you've handled it with a good attitude! My father has yet to visit me in Germany and I know we could live here another 7 years and he wouldn't. His current excuse is his part-time job, but he's been retired for 20 years without having a part time job most of that time. He just has hardly traveled (maybe 2-3 flights in his life?) and never out of the country, and his generally anxious. Every so often he'll see pictures or hear me telling stories about our travels and he'll say, "You know, I really should come visit you," but I've given up on trying.

I know the question has been answered but as someone who has gone through periods of being an extremely anxious flyer who generally does OK now (I must with all the flying I do!) one thing people haven't mentioned is mindfulness meditation and positive self-talk. When we hit turbulence (that's my biggest trigger) I focus on my breathing, sometimes repeat a phrase to myself, and try to engage in rational self-talk ("turbulence doesn't bring down planes. the pilot knows what they're doing", etc). Generally helps. I used to drink on the flight to relieve the anxiety but it's expensive and I don't always want to arrive in my destination and orient myself with a buzz on.

Thanks for your thoughts Mardee and Sarah. I arrived in Hannover Wednesday of last week and leave tomorrow for Frankfurt. I have enjoyed this week so much with the family and especially getting to know these sweet twin boys. It has been a joy to help take care of them and I know I'm going to miss them so much, as I will the rest of the family. They took to me immediately and I to them. The next time I see them I'll just be some unknown lady who speaks funny to them and they won't understand me, but for now they only know I play with them, read to them, take them for walks in the forest at the end of the street, etc. The family really doesn't want me to go, but plans have been made so I must move on. When I return home later in the month I will let me uncle know how the trip was and maybe he will see how much he missed out on. I'll print some of the many pictures I took and send them to him. Maybe, just maybe, it will be enough to spur him on and convince him to make the trip.

Andrea, it sounds like you are having a wonderful time! You might want to consider once you are back home, Skyping or Facetiming the children occasionally - it does wonders for keeping you in their memory. I do that with my grandkids, who live in Minnesota (I'm in SW Ohio), so we're about 11 hours apart.

Now that they're older, it's not needed as much (although we still do it each week), but when they were little, it was so much fun - and they loved it! I'd like to think it was me that was the attraction but I've found that kids like anything to do with tech. :)