Being called "honey, "baby," or "sweetie"

I'm a 68-year-old female, which may be a factor. More than once in the last few years I've been called "sweetie" or something equivalent to that in the UK. It was always a woman who said it, and it may have always been a server in a casual eating spot. I don't remember being addressed in a similar manner (in English or the local language) in other parts of Europe, but I wouldn't be too surprised to hear it from someone who learned English by watching old American (or British) movies. Twice I've heard "okey-dokey" on the continent from someone speaking to me in English who was not a native speaker.

Not being from the south, I find those names totally inappropriate when used with strangers and am offended if called one of those.

I see no one here has been to Philadelphia. You go to a diner in Philly, you are addressed "Hon". Period.

And as my wife just reminded me, in London, that would be "Luv". For anyone.

Having been a mid-westerner for life (Chicago to Denver), I don't recall any "pet" name routinely applied to anyone other than very young children. However, for the past several years I have been routine referred to as "Granddad" with a big smile by a local server. Do hope it is a term of endearment. It is a local bar and small restaurant with an oriental flavor but mostly Thail. Assume the waiter is Korean, mid-twenties, male. We frequent the happy hour in the bar. Always greeted with a big smile, "Hi, Granddad!", "Good to see you, Granddad," etc. Service is excellent, knows what we generally order, and we tip well. At 78 I easily qualify for the Granddad title, but have always wonder if using Granddad as a greeting is just him or culturally related.

In most of mainland Europe, you never address anyone as anything other than Mr, Mrs, Madam etc.... Here in Switzerland you don't even address someone you know by their first name unless invited to do so and the form is for the older person to invite the younger person to do so.

I've worked on teams here in Switzerland with member who had worked together for twenty years and it was still Herr Hofstetter and Frau Schmid when the spoke to each other...

In one case I was involved in the take over of a very traditional Swiss bank and the big cultural changes for most of them was that they and to call each other by their first names.... it turned out to be too much for some people and they left.

On the other hand in Ireland nobody is called Sir/Madam etc. goes back to the days of the landlords etc.. and we usually turn to Gaelic words:

Ludraman - useless layabout

Amadan - Idiot

Glic - Smart

and so on.

A brother in law from the Midwest was visiting us in our California coastal town about twenty years ago and was stopped near our house and asked directions to the beach (20 year old speaking to a 50 year old). He was addressed as Dude and thought it was one of the most quintessential California things he’d heard. It put a smile on his face for the rest of the trip.

I had a boyfriend from Virginia who called me doll baby--not baby doll, he said it was a distinct term that southerners use. In my job I deal with truck drivers all day so get the gamut from honey to sweetie to pookie to girlfriend...I find this endearing, and while it's not as common in California to be called honey or sweetie by waitstaff or store clerks, I am not offended by it.

Here in La Rioja they use the term "majo". "Majo" as an adjective is nice/pretty/pleasant.

Being over 50 and with grey hair, I don't get it too often, but for example, there is a fruit vendor I visit, and she is well past seventy, and she always asks me "What would like today Majo?". Another time in the super, a little old lady could not reach the top shelf and asked "Majo, can you grab that box?"

In parts of Navarra, they use "jefe" a lot. You go to a bar in a village, and they will ask "What will you have Jefe," or in the gas station when the attendant comes out, he will ask "What do you want Jefe"

Use the term sweetie all the time, am a 45 yr old woman😀

Generally throughout Spain we use Tio/Tia when addressing a dude or pal. In the region of Aragon in northern Spain, they use Maño or Maña. This is a very Aragonese slang term for "Dude", saying this will instantly make you Aragonese haha. But throughout Spain (and Latin America) we have many regional slang terms for a friend or acquaintance, we are not so buttoned up as those countries north of the Pyrenees. Here is a pretty complete list:

Tío/tía ("uncle/aunt") - Mostly neutral, popular throughout Spain.

Tronco/tronca ("trunk") - Mostly used by older people retaining their youth slang.

Titi (stuttered "tío") - People even older than those using tronco. Can be female.

Colega ("colleague") - Mostly used by adults to address children. Can be female.

Tete ("older brother") - Kind of Jerseyshorish? Older sister would be "tata", but never used in the "dude/bro" sense.

Macho ("male") - Mostly neutral, but maybe less widespread as tío. Obviously not used for girls.

Chaval/chavala ("kid") - May imply a "cooler than you" attitude.

Jefe ("boss") - Mostly used to address the bartender

Socio ("partner") - Very rare.

Loco ("crazy") - Too recent for my generation. I think it's a 2000s expression.

Depending on the region of Spain you can find local variants like:

meu ("my...", abbreviation of meu irmão?) - Galicia

nen ("niño/nene") - Catalunya

che/xe (also used as an interjection) - València

nano (abbreviation of enano "dwarf") - València. In other regions of Spain enano is only really used to refer to children.

acho (abbreviation of muchacho) - Extremadura and Murcia

Maño or Maña - Aragón

chacho (abbreviation of muchacho) - Canarias

In Wisconsin, servers in less formal restaurants/bars will often refer to you (man or woman) as "dear" or "hon".

On a sort of related topic, in our visits to England, I saw "cheers" being used as (1) a friendly greeting for someone you're glad to see, (2) a space filler in a conversation with no apparent meaning, and (3) a sarcastic response the rough equivalent of "f*** off". It seemed to me like the British version of "Aloha" in Hawaii, so many uses.

Address me as "young lady" and I'm likely to take a swing at you. I'm 72. I find pet names by strangers to be demeaning.

Larry,

When I lived in your area the old joke was that a Philly diner is where every customer is called "Hon" and every waitress is named "Dot."

I really don't understand the negative reaction to the pet names. In a diner it's expected and better than "Well, what the F* do you want?" which is what I got the other day in a small diner in the Colorado mountains (the waitress was having a bad day due to another customer who just couldn't be given anything to make her happy, but still).

In a bank or other business where professionalism is required, I would not expect that because they would have reason to have your actual name and should refer to you that way.

Maybe it is a generational thing or maybe it depends on where you grew up and what you were exposed to in your younger days.

So what term would not offend you then where someone has no knowledge of your name?

Why on earth be offended??
At least someone is addressing their speech directly to you!
In Scotland when I lived there in the 70's-80's, it was "pal" to a man or boy, and "hen" to a woman or girl.
I rather liked it myself.
I'm sure it still is the case there.

I agree with Suki.

I find those names totally inappropriate when used with strangers and am offended if called one of those.

And I let the person know that the use of such a term in inappropriate.

Well y'all down here in New Orleans we get "darlin'd" and "sweetie'd" constantly. Since I've lived here for over 30 years now, those greetings feel familiar, respectful, and safe. I work in a very multi-cultural hospital, and the staff "darlin" and "sweetie" each other and their patients constantly and get "darlin'd" and "sweetie'd" right back. It's almost always said with a rather musical intonation. One of my favorite "transportation" ladies (they push patients in wheelchairs and on their beds) always refers to me as "puddin" (as in "pudding", I think.) She smiles broadly with the question usually "How you doin' this morning, my puddin'?" She is a tremendously kind, gentle lady, who gives her patients such care that I think they universally feel safe when she is navigating their big beds into elevators and such...and she probably calling them "puddin'" too, all the way down the hall. Of course I heard none of that when I was with my daughter in a Brooklyn hospital several years ago. I for one love these regional differences in speech and dialect. Isn't that why we travel, after all?

I don't care for the pet names as well. Same as being asked by every clerk "How are you?", "How are you doing?". I object to something like that being made into a "throw-away" conversation bit. The expected "Fine, how are you?" is so automatic that I've had clerks respond that way when I just say "Hello" again. They aren't my friend (unless they are). And I object to polluting speech that way. Part of it seems to be to be assuming a relationship that is not there, and most likely will never be there for the clerks I meet during the day.

I've tried to reign in my natural reaction, too many of them (not all) are following an Employer mandated script for how they are supposed to treat the public. (sigh)

I was called a f^^^ing tourist in Venice, does that count? Other than that, I can't recall any terms of endearment in Europe.
There is a woman who I talk to in Dallas by phone as part of my job and she always calls me Sweetie, I get the sense she calls everyone that. The only time a term like that bothers me is at home when young male waiters/bartenders sometimes call me Bud; "What can I getcha Bud?" To me that seems rude, but maybe I'm just a 55 year old fuddy duddy.

I’m with Suki and Wray. Those “pet” names are demeaning when used without permission.
My Navajo neighbor’s family uses “auntie” as a term of endearment and knowing them well that’s ok with me. But when her niece called me “granny” I let her know in no uncertain terms that I don’t have kids. My neighbor corrected her.

You can (and I have been) call me sweetie, hon, sugar, cutie, pops, dude, etc... I don't care what you call me, just don't ... 1) add the f-bomb ... 2) use a cultural or racial slur ... 3) call me late for dinner

In Ireland (Dingle), a young man in a pub called me “Darlin’” with his lovely Irish lilt. I actually looked behind me to see who he was talking to. Then I realized he was looking right at me.

I’ve also been called “Luv” a few times, usually by females in a casual setting such as gift shops, fish and chips places, cafes or just out on the street (“Are you lost, luv?”)

In various places in Europe, I’ve been addressed as “Miss” when someone wanted my attention or like when a server brought my food (“Here ya go, Miss”). I think of it as equivalent to “ma’am”.

None of it offends me.

However, I do live in the southern US and I really don’t like being called honey, baby, sweetie, sugar by anyone I’m not married to.

S J, as you can see here some people don't like pet names at all and may say something unpleasant in response to them.

"Young lady" and so forth is an example of a local or regional colloquialism. It would be entertaining to visit a restaurant in Whitby, England, or Hinton, West Virginia and watch somebody make a scene over it.

I now remember being called "luv" in England and rather liking it. There is a warmth to the word.

Mark, David Letterman did a hilarious skit back in the day where he took over at various fast food drive-thrus.

His opening line, said with some contempt: "Welcome to Taco Bell this is Dave what do you want?"

I don’t mind the casual names in a very casual setting such as a diner. But, it offends me in a professional setting, especially working as an engineer. Recently we purchased a new car. The new, young salesman referred to be as “hon” the day we first stopped by the dealership and later in a text and phone message. (I’m in my 60’s). Even my husband commented that he noticed it!

I sent the salesman a very cordial text since he was new, helping him understand how that can be perceived by women, and he sent a very humble reply.

When I travel, I always use the more formal word options to attempt to not offend someone, unknowingly. I’m sure my pronunciations hurt their ears enough - LOL!

I’m not offended at all unless I’m being disrespected.

It’s sad that people get offended so easily. Unless I think a person is deliberately trying to offend me, I think nothing of it.

I agree with Diane. While I might cringe when I get called names like those listed by the OP, I don't get offended or even mention it. Unless, as Diane said, it's done in a disrespectful way.

So we have a popular fish n chips restaurant in town and the owner's wife (or co owner, to give her her due) calls EVERYONE honey, sweetie, darling...to the point where it's excessive and seems like she's trying to hard. It doesn't bother me (and everyone) that she calls me that, just the excessive use - you don't need to call me honey/sweetie 3 times in the one minute I'm paying for my food.

I'm never bothered, let alone offended, when addressed with terms of endearment. Those who are must awaken each day with becoming offended their priority..... and there are far too many irritable people looking for some slight, real or imagined. Lighten up. Enjoy what life brings.

I agree with Suki, Kateja, Wray, and Horsewoofie. I find it demeaning. As I am aging, it is getting more frequent. Would the people calling me 'young lady' call a 25 year old 'old lady'?

While traveling internationally or even to another area of USA, I would just ignore because I don't know the norms, but where I live, in dealing with store clerks, salespeople, medical personnel, etc., I find it condescending, or in the case of sweetie or honey, too personal.

For those that think it is okay, you need to know, that not everyone feels that way.

In Brooklyn, the Spanish use the term “mommy” when talking to people. It is considered a compliment and doesn’t brother me. I believe it is mostly People from Puerto Rico that use it.

I'm never bothered, let alone offended, when addressed with terms of endearment.

Me too....except , and this is recent as we spend a lot of time walking the trails in our neighborhood, my 69 yo wife and 71 yo me are occasionally addressed as “kids”. Like “how are you kids today?”. I know it’s meant to be funny or cute, but it gets under my skin.

Those who are must awaken each day with becoming offended their
priority...

We are all raised differently, and are accustomed to different ways of interacting with others. Tolerance for these differences IMO, is one of the things that distinguishes one as broad minded. But denigrating someone because they happen to dislike undue familiarity is not that. I may or may not agree with how they feel, but they nonetheless are entitled to their own feelings.

Where I was raised (back in the dark ages), pet names were reserved for friends and family. Otherwise, adults were addressed as Sir, Ma'am, or Miss, unless invited to use their first name.

But times change, and customs differ from place to place. I got used to being called "darlin" or "sweetie", when living in the southern US. Or hearing "luv" or "pet" in England. I don't particularly care for it, but I wouldn't call anyone out over it. I've found that generally on the Continent, strangers tend to be addressed more formally, although perhaps my advance age has something to do with it.

We are all raised differently, and are accustomed to different ways of
interacting with others.

Yes, and I find this to be very true. We can, of course, be sensitive and flexible with the habits of others, particularly when we are outside of our home culture; but that does not mean we have to be completely comfortable with the all of the differences, since we do have deeply engrained norms. I think that it is rather funny, from a post celebrating "local charms", that the "local charms" of societies that tend towards formality are viewed so negatively.

When I lived in America, I found the familiarity between colleagues to be rather difficult to understand at first even though I knew that it was a cultural difference, but after a while, it became quite normal. And, although I never fully became accustomed to people in restaurants calling me "Dear" or "Hon", it didn't offend me. But in a German context, I would find it totally shocking if someone in a restaurant used such a level of familiarity, and actually a bit offensive, even though of course we have informal words for greeting friends. Although I work in a field with a lot of international contact, it is a fairly traditional field, and we are quite formal most of the time at work. That said, many of us do change our habits when we are in a situation where a majority of our colleagues are English-speakers, or where we are working on English-speaking projects. We are familiar with Anglophone work culture and know that it is quite strange to refer to a colleague as Ms. So-and-so, although Frau Soundso sounds fine. But, I think many of us are quite happy to revert to our own norms the rest of the time!

As comments in this thread demonstrate, insult is in the ear of the beholder. Some people like pet references, some are offended, some mind it or not depending on the situation, and some just don't care. I'm in the camp that mostly thinks of these pet names as regional terms of endearment that I rather like. As a West Coast native, I think Southern hospitality can get away with more than we can out here, so I suppose culture plays a part. This also goes for international terms of endearment. The way I was sometimes addressed in Ireland and Scotland charmed the pants off of me (so to speak); I would have felt like a curmudgeon for taking offense. All this said, I suppose the safe thing would be to refrain from too much "hon," "sweetie," and "luv", though it makes me a little sad to say this. I guess we all have our line in the sand, though. Mine would be a 20-something calling me, a 50-year-old, "kid." Yikes! But it certainly wouldn't ruin my day.

Somebody tries to be nice or pleasant to you and your first reaction is to be offended.

I think a good deal of the sensitivity of some females on this point is due to decades of being demeaned in the workplace, with secretaries in particular being treated very poorly all too often. Even if it didn't happen to us, we saw it happening to others.

I was born and raised in the mid-west so most of these words of "endearment" aren't used that often although sometimes they do creep into the conversation, especially in very casual settings. Having said that, for several years I spent one week every month working in Atlanta and so heard them used frequently. Never did it offend me, I found it rather charming and I realized that none of it was ever intended to insult me, it was just they way people spoke. My thought is, if no one is intending to offend me by using these terms, why take offence? And, I would never correct someone, in their own region where they grew up hearing and using these terrms, just because I did not.

At my local Mexican restaurant, everyone gets called amigo. They have a special name for me, though — pendejo. Don’t know what it means, but it makes me happy that they smile so big when they say it.

Native Texan here and guilty of calling adults, children and dogs "sweetie" or "sweetheart" on a regular basis. Locally it's also common for me to call young children that as well as "mijo" or "mija." It always opens a nice exchange with their bilingual (or not) parent(s).

I don't seem to use many of the other common Southern endearments myself, but I find them neither offensive nor too familiar and I like being called by them. I see those terms as friendly ways to address people, known or unknown.

I love that Vera uses "luv" and "pet" regularly as she investigates crimes. It's never happened, but I'd love to be called luv or pet in the UK or anywhere else.

The only time anyone in Europe called me anything except their version of ma'am or madam, happened in Italy. I was starting to go down the stairs to get to a train platform when a man about my age got my attention by calling me "nonna." Then he directed me to where there was a totally unexpected and naturally somewhat hidden elevator down to the platform level. Both the use of nonna and the directions were much appreciated.

When colleagues or business adversaries called me sweetie or dearie, etc., it was not charming. It was an attempt to intimidate me, patronize me or otherwise to insinuate my place as a woman...even though I was as, if not more, qualified than the man, and more likely winning the negotiations. I always spoke up to them. Once they knew it wouldn't work, it stopped and I was met on a level field.

When a cashier calls me 'young lady', I speak up. They need to know this is not acceptable. BTW, my 79 year old husband feels the same about 'young man'. It's patronizing and disrespectful.

If I'm traveling, around the US, I likely wouldn't speak up if a leisure trip...but I would feel the same. If traveling internationally, I definitely let it be, assuming I even know what they are calling me.

I also find false politeness nauseating as it is reflex politeness rather than sincere politeness. IMO YMMV

Dave, I hate to tell you this (no, I don't really), but according to Google Translate, Pendejo, in Spanish, means "stupid".

Here in Switzerland you don't even address someone you know by their first name unless invited
to do so and the form is for the older person to invite the younger person to do so.

Or for the person of higher perceived social status to invite another. In the 1980s, I was visiting Belgian medical clinics to observe medical procedures. I asked our guide, the company's salesman for Brussels, if I could address the head nurse (a very admired profession in Belgium) by his first name. Our guide assured me that the nurse would be very flattered if I, an engineer and university graduate, would offer to be on a first name basis with him. Then I asked our guide if he could address the nurse by his first name, and he rather fearfully replied, "Oh no, I never could.") I then envisioned that the Europeans had a huge book, the size of a phone book, with all the occupations listed in order of who was of higher status and could initiate the first name basis.

Dave, you probably should say something, Pendejo is a derogatory insult, it means dumbass or asshole. I would get very upset if someone said that to me, even as a joke.

When someone, who is a casual acquaintance, uses a overly familiar term, like honey, I am not offended, but I'm not impressed either. It seems very artificial to me.

I'm pretty sure Dave is pulling our legs.

My thought is, if no one is intending to offend me by using these
terms, why take offence?

A little bit off topic here, but something that throws me off in the US when I visit is when I say "thank you." A typical response in Canada will be for the person to say back to me "your welcome," but in the US the traditional response seems to be "uh huh". The first time I'd heard it I thought it was a bit rude but it happens enough that it must be a normal response. Is it a typical American response? The 2 States I travel to most often to are California and Wisconsin so it has to be more than a regional thing.

As Dave mentioned in that case there are subtleties in how "diminutive" or "short endearments" are used. (And the Lady above who pointed out the problems with higher/lower Power Relationships).

My favorite example is the Mid-West insult/endearment "(something-something) bless his/her/their Hearts!" You can get away with almost anything if you tack on that last part. I'd say something like "Dumb as a bag of rocks, bless his heart!" But I'm not from there and I'm sure they'd do a better job.

@Allan

I’m a California native who always replies “ you’re welcome,” when some one says thank you.

I suspect it’s not a regional “thing” but a “manners”
thing.

As far as baby, honey, sweetie no one but Parents Grandma, or significant other should utter those nicknames.

A little bit off topic here, but something that throws me off in the US when I visit is when I say "thank you." A typical response in Canada will be for the person to say back to me "your welcome," but in the US the traditional response seems to be "uh huh".

Allan, "Uh huh" or another more common response in my area 'no problem' annoy me as well. The proper response to "thank you" is "you're welcome", but you won't find it in coastal New England in chain stores, grocery stores, etc. Finer establishments or well educated people or well raised people will use the proper response, mostly. That being said, I know my daughter would say language changes and I'm not changing with it. LOL Don't get me started on 'can' vs 'may'...

I think “you’re welcome” has fallen out of favor with the younger generation. What I usually get in return for thank you is “no problem”. Grates on the ear.

@Alan: I don't hear "Uh-huh" very often; I do hear, "No problem!" all the time. Makes me cringe, but not worth saying anything.
@RobertH: Haha--agree with your comment about "Bless his (or her) heart." Nothing to do with any religious connotation, at least for me, but just seems like an auditory warm hug. I guess that "familiarity" would bother some posters on this string, but not me.

My favorite example is the Mid-West insult/endearment "(something-something) bless his/her/their Hearts!" You can get away with almost anything if you tack on that last part.

There's another trend in which people say "I'm praying for you", when what they mean is the equivalent of a rude hand gesture. You cant really fight back to that.

I don't care for the "no problem" response either, but somehow the Aussie "no worries" seems less accusatory and more hopeful.

These casual endearments particularly in the service sector is infreqent in my part of Canada....and given the amount or recent immigrants and conservative cultural mixes in my city, it would be shocking for them and misunderstood. I note that there is coming into play a more casual tone, but I put that down to trying to please our American visitors. There is no problem being friendly, but we know on this forum that over friendly tourists are not always treated in kind and may be construed as rude. I put these endearments in that sort of category. If I am in the South where I know this happens, I take it in stride. And after an initial halt when I don't expect it, I tend to let ot roll off. But It still throws me that a co worker, half my age, calls me 'sweetie' and has for years, but that is her.
No man gets away with calling me 'baby', and the other endearments are for the blessed few. I think there is stronger reaction from women my age and up because of the work environment we grew up and lived through. It shouldn't be a surprise or trivialized as overreacting. I won't say it offends me or ruins my day, but some words cause an involuntary visceral gut response. Tell me you don't have things that do the same at times.

Exactly, MariaF!

Biloxi waiter: What would you like, honey?

Person 1: "What did you call me? That's offensive!"

Person 2: "How dare you refer to my person and/or partner in that manner!"

Person 1: "This is unimpressive and artificial!"

Waiter? "Wha...? "Ma'am, I'm sorry."

Person 1: "Don't use gender-specific pronouns!"

Person 2: "Where's the manager?!"

Waiter: "I meant no offense, sir..."

Person 1: "There you go again! I have never been so insulted in my life!"

Person 2: "Who do you think you're talking to?! Nobody and I mean nobody calls me 'honey'."

Person 1: "Hopefully the manager is woke!"

Welcome to American 2020.

For my comment, acraven is the winner! The owner and the staff are super nice; they don't call me pendejo, they affectionately call me Bastardo barato and enthusiastically shout something like "Vete al infieno!" as I leave the restaurant.

...or the staff smiles kindly when I enter the restaurant; the owner stops by my table for a fist bump and a short exchange about our families; and the owner asks about my most recent or upcoming trips as I pay my bill at the end of dinner. Sadly, I'm just a measly amigo.

Personally, I find the other narrative more entertaining.

Haha. You guys are too much! A California native who lived in the South for many years, I heard every endearment there is! Now that I live in California again, my granddaughter sometimes calls me "Dude" (I am a girl.....) We are all so different...I would think the most important thing would be the perception of kindness. The words don't matter as much as the attitude.

I read the first line of Mike's Biloxi dialogue and thought the waiter was offering honey with the grits or whatever.

It used to bother me when people called me "sir" because I was just a kid of 40 or 50 or 60. Now it just rolls off me.

@Dave, ah ok, I'm still learning to recognise the American humour lol!

I should clarify, addressing me as Young Lady (at 72), was not by wait staff, but my physician. Who, I'm pretty sure, hadn't bothered to check for, and address me by my name. If you think I'm overacting, just ask my 99 year old mother.

I can't be the only one who knows this poem nearly by heart:

Bless Their Hearts
BY RICHARD NEWMAN
At Steak ‘n Shake I learned that if you add
“Bless their hearts” after their names, you can say
whatever you want about them and it’s OK.
My son, bless his heart, is an idiot,
she said. He rents storage space for his kids’
toys—they’re only one and three years old!
I said, my father, bless his heart, has turned
into a sentimental old fool. He gets
weepy when he hears my daughter’s greeting
on our voice mail. Before our Steakburgers came
someone else blessed her office mate’s heart,
then, as an afterthought, the jealous hearts
of the entire anthropology department.
We bestowed blessings on many a heart
that day. I even blessed my ex-wife’s heart.
Our waiter, bless his heart, would not be getting
much tip, for which, no doubt, he’d bless our hearts.
In a week it would be Thanksgiving,
and we would each sit with our respective
families, counting our blessings and blessing
the hearts of family members as only family
does best. Oh, bless us all, yes, bless us, please
bless us and bless our crummy little hearts.

Poem copyright ©2009 by Richard Newman from his most recent book of poetry, Domestic Fugues, Steel Toe Books, 2009.

During the first third of this thread I was ready to join the fingerpointing at those too easily offended,
but when Wray and others spoke up, I was reminded of how being called 'big guy' annoys me,
as in "Hey there, big guy, can you spare some change today?" (I am short.)
It annoys me enough that I'm tempted (and sometimes give in to temptation) to reply "Not today, Einstein." Or 'bright guy', or 'genius' --
the ladies above are bothered that strangers are so struck by the age of the person with whom they are interacting that they feel the need to overcompensate with a jokey 'young lady'. At least that's how it comes across, sometimes, with being addressed as 'big guy'.

Meanwhile, here on the Best Coast of the USA, it is true that we use 'dude' for anyone of roughly the same status. Other common terms of address would be 'jefe' or 'chief' for someone senior (often a little sassy) and 'chico' for someone junior -- that can go either way depending on the english you put on 'chico', either endearing or derogatory.
Dave needs to try out 'vato' and see how it goes over at his local taqueria.

Regarding Philadelphia, the range and variety of pet names over time could fill a book. A shelf of books!

Wow, this question has certainly attracted a lot of comments and I have a few to add as well.

Over the years, I've been addressed in a variety of ways by restaurant and retail staff, although the practice of using these terms seems to be declining lately for some reason. Some examples are "hon, dear and bud". IMO there are much more important things to worry about in life, and I don't find these terms to be offensive and they don't bother me in the least.

BMWBGV, here's a little article for you that might help with some explanation of why it is less common. A lightspirited article from NC.

https://www.ourstate.com/a-guide-to-southern-sweet-talk/

In supermarkets I sometimes have been called terms of endearment like honey, hun or dear but never in a restaurant

Times are changing and many of those names don't go over will with young people.

As a son of the south, I was taught to open doors for ladies. I still do that, even though I am 72.

I remember about 15 years ago, when a young woman blasted me for holding open a door for her. I guess the new custom for some now is to replace courtesy with nasty.

Geovagriffith, I'll always appreciate a door opened for me. Understand, if your hands are full, I'll open the door for you. Just because others are turning to inconsideration, we can continue to represent polite, considerate actions. Thank you.

This thread has been fun.

I'm an old, white man and am guilty of calling people I meet on the street "kids." I routinely call young children that I don't know "Skip", "Lefty" or "My Dear." No offense intended, but, I certainly would not continue if I was told that it was not appreciated.

In a business setting, I would never use an endearment for any female.

How do we feel about being called "Boomer" or "Karen?"

All one can do is to be true to one's self, and treat others the way you'd like to be treated. I haven't found any magic words that will enlighten someone else to change their behavior. Some will learn, most will not.

After decades of visiting in New Orleans the shock has worn off. I’ve become accustomed to being addressed as Sweetie or Darling by people 50 years my junior by waitstaff, clerks or total strangers. Not at all common here in Ohio, as my friend learned when he was visiting Up North and got ripped a new one by the outraged waitress who was NOT his “sweetie”. I do not speak German, and once in a Munich cafe we were chatting with some guys who swiftly corrected me and said never to address the young woman who was serving us as Fräulein as that was considered a very rude term. I never would have guessed to address her as Frau...she looked all of 17. I was totally embarrassed but fortunately my sincere apologies were better received than my friend‘s back home in Columbus.
Live and learn.

Dpoweron, my daughter hates the “Karen” term.....because her name is Karen!

I do not speak German, and once in a Munich cafe we were chatting with
some guys who swiftly corrected me and said never to address the young
woman who was serving us as Fräulein as that was considered a very
rude term.

Ha! Yes, Fräulein sounds condescending these days, although of course if you do not speak German, I think everyone would understand it as a mistake. But normally, we use only Herr and Frau, and actually I think always talk to waiters and other service people with the formal Sie rather than using du (the informal 'you'). So, the formality goes both ways in these relationships.

Even though I am from Texas, technically part of the "South", I have never found any need to use any terms like "Skip" or "Sonny" or "Little girl" or "sweety" or anything else when referring to someone I have to talk with when I don't know their name. Just never was an option in my mind. I do use ma'am or sir as appropriate which sometimes produces embarrassment in the person I am talking with especially if the person is younger than I am (I'm 60 now).

In my favorite Mexican restaurant, everyone is called amigo or amiga when you enter and throughout the meal. However, some people end up being called "jefe". This technically is a term meaning "boss". However, it is not what it means the way it is used there. It is reserved for the ... let's just say "difficult" customers. It is not the word itself, but the intonation and the look of dismay on the face of the waiter saying it.

There are a few words that are not terms of endearment that I have always found annoying. Words used to refer to a man of apparent lesser status than the person doing the talking. They were used in the past to refer to slaves and such. In parts of Texas, those words are still used often when referring to any man or child in a service position like waiter or hotel employee or delivery person. I hope the practice dies off along with those who use those terms today.

Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion, and I definitely respect that and am not throwing stones at anyone. Please respect mine when I agree 100% with Ken who said "IMO there are much more important things to worry about in life, and I don't find these terms to be offensive and they don't bother me in the least."

It doesn’t really bother me if a waitress calls me ‘sweetie’ or ‘hon’ but we don’t hear those terms much in Ohio. However, I think it’s totally wrong and inappropriate in a business situation. If I was buying a car or meeting with a financial planner who said that, I’d walk out of the office.

It seems that ‘boomer’ and ‘Karen’ are only intended to be condescending. It’s a shame people are looking for new terms to be mean to someone.

My response will not be as moving as Jane's above, but in the South, the use of such terms is not uncommon, and I nearly always smile and am touched when the lady working at the supermarket deli counter or in a local restaurant calls me "dear" or "honey." Yes, depending upon the circumstances (and apparently the region), their use can be totally inappropriate and offensive. But often, at least where I live, they are a friendly gesture of community and inclusion and welcome--that for the moment at least we can move beyond racial and class lines, and political differences, and you are one of us.

I have a daughter living in Seattle. Asked how it is different from south Louisiana, she talks about the weather and certainly the food, but she also talks about the people--that in Seattle many seem more reserved and initially less friendly. These forums are dedicated to celebrating cultural differences. We seem to be discussing in this thread one such cultural difference that still exists.

MariaF, thank you for the enjoyable read. I agree with the writer that regional vernaculars will absolutely disappear some day.

I particularly like this part:

"Naturally, not everyone welcomes this intimacy. Not everyone wants to be linguistically adopted by a barista or store clerk. Sometimes people merely want a latte or a pack of gum, not an invitation to Sunday dinner. I understand. But just keep breathing that sweet air. You’ll adapt."

I often use "ma'am" and "sir" regardless of age because that's the way I was brought up, and also from 21 years in the military. For me it's just being respectful.

@Richard

We seem to be discussing in this thread one such cultural difference that still exists. . . ."

Absolutely true. Americans value "friendliness" above all in social interactions, whereas other cultures value "respectfulness" above all. Thats what gets travelers confused when they assume their values are universal.

Stan, friendliness or warmth, and being respectful is not mutually exclusive. Now, I realize being friendly could be construed as disrespectful due to perceived informality, although it is almost certainly not intentionally so.

Yes Mike you're right. It usually not intentional. Its just that expecting to be on an immediate first name basis with your Parisian waiter is going to be a problem. Calling him "dude" might be an international incident. In fact I don't think I've ever heard "Hi, my name is Brad, and I'll be your server" anytime in Europe. Thats the kind of cultural difference that catches people off guard.

Well. I have read that multiple studies were done and somehow the conclusion was reached that by introducing oneself to your customer when you are a waiter results in a larger tip in mid range eating establishments. I'm not sure I agree with that and as long as the service is good and my order comes out correct I really don't care who you are. Your tip will be based on how good your service was, not that I can "relate" to you on a personal basis.. Of course in places like Europe where tipping is not such a common thing, this really doesn't apply. A waiter or waitress who talks very little and is not intrusive seems to be the better option there. Higher end restaurants in the US still have those type of wait staff even though tipping is still mandatory.

" She is definitely not on the cat Mensa list. " As I'm sure you know , Mensa membership is only open to people . If there were one for other creatures , African Grey Parrots and Border Collies would be great candidates !

Hi,

I've enjoyed this thread, including the humorous poem and Dave's joke. I agree with the posters who have said that these types of endearments are never appropriate in a business setting or if used to be disrespectful. Other than that, to me, it comes down to the other person's intent, and me generally assuming positive intent. If it appears that the person is sincerely attempting to treat me with kindness and to provide good service, then it doesn't bother me if they call me "hon" or say "no problem" to a thank you.

Depending on who says it and how, I can take a fair amount of "sweetie," etc. but I 100% can't stand it when some total stranger addresses me as "Mom." As in, "Would Mom like some ice cream, too?" or "Mom, he has an ear infection." My own kids don't even call me "Mom," but "Mama." I have to bite my tongue not to say "I'm not your mom!"

And lately, of course, I'm getting called "Gramma" instead.

Wow-I"m so used to this that I don't even notice when another woman says this. If a man said it, I would be offended-it's in the same category of patronizing as being called a "chick". EDITED : Actually, my husband uses all three of these words, not in talking to his wife or daughter, but in talking to-the cats.

And didn't a certain fast food restaurant teach us that the correct answer to "thank you" is "my pleasure"?

We have lived all over the US and encountered the different customs. When we were stationed in the south, hon or sweetie was very typical. I was not and am not offended by any of this, unless it is said in a derogatory way. Assume good intent and give people the benefit of the doubt, IMO.

I don’t like being addressed by those pet names by people who are obviously younger than me. I’m 60. If my age(ish), or older, I find it endearing and don’t mind it.

Perhaps in the future, instead of “Honey” or “Sugar,” familiarities will include “Splenda” or “Truvia!”

Since Saccharin never went away in Europe, has it/will it be used to address people?

Ol' Tom at the Cypress Lounge greets us with, "How are you dumb----s doing? That's when he's being nice. I feel a lot of hurt and outrage.

Perhaps people would like to contemplate being addressed as "honey" or "sweetie" if you are male... by a male teenager. (Or they seem like that to you.) Might give some perspective on many Women's objection to the terms by people so much younger.

Robert, personally gender doesn't matter, nor does age or race. I think to suggest this matters may be an "ist" or "phobia" in and of itself.

We have a bar in town where the guy greets everyone as "sweet pea," "doll," and so forth. It's called "Impulse" and I'll let you figure it out from there.

I don't mind what you call me, just say thank you when I pay for something. I have a huge pet peeve especially in the US. No clerk says thank you anymore. They just substitute numerous responses instead. "There you are", when handing me a bag, "Okay then", "Here you are" and the ever boring popular, "have a nice day". Pay attention closely and see how many substitutions for thank you take place. Many times I say, "you're welcome", when nothing is said. That gets a deer in the headlight look!!!

Hey BigMike (BTW, does everyone except your students call you that?), does anyone answer Ol’ Tom with, “we’re just waiting to get served by a d***head at the Cypress Lounge” ? Maybe that would just spread around the hurt and anger, and wouldn’t make the world a better place, but it might lessen the sting for a moment. Or would he enjoy that? And is Ol’Tom old?

Regarding Europeans - there’s gotta be somebody, if only that one person in all of France, possibly in some part of Paris, who treats his customers that way, and they keep coming back. C’est Bizarre! And another person, somewhere, who calls everyone by a cute pet name, indicating their fondness for people, and not belittling them. And their customers find it endearing.

On a lighter note.... I was born in the foothills/mountains of north Georgia, and moved to North Carolina with I was 9, returning to Georgia to visit family often. In that part of my world, you often got called 'cousin'. I guess it was like an old comedian once said (sorry, I can't recall his name)..... E=MC2... Everyone is my mother's cousin twice removed........
SMILE people. If no insult is intended, don't get on your high horse. I

Glad to hear it BigMike. Don't have a problem myself but the time I spent in the South seemed to say a lot of people would.

(Edit to say: I wasn't really going there BigMike. You turned my question into the young males having a reason to call you "hon" or "sweetie". I was going for the analogy to what Females face, a young girl waitress/clerk calling them "hon" or similar term when I asked you to visualize a teenage male doing the same to you.)

Interesting, i find it really weird and not in a good way when call ma'me. Its just not done here, and feels strangely patronizing. Sweetie, darling, honey etc from other women are all good and i use them too.

One of my favorite memories is of being in NYC after 9/11 and everyone was so morose (for obvious reasons). The sense of heaviness and sadness was everywhere.

I got into an elevator in the Met and I was supposed to meet someone on the third floor, but I didn't realize the floor was actually closed off. I tried explaining this to the elevator operator how I was supposed to meet someone on the third floor, while in a packed car, and the guy rolls his eyes and snarks, "'ey, jergoff -- why don'tcha walk up the fucking stairs if you're in such a hurry to get to the third floor?" in a PERFECT New York accent.

I'm sure to this day he's wondering why I suddenly burst out laughing.

-- Mike Beebe

So Mike Beebe, did he at least take you to the 4th floor, so you could walk down just one flight of stairs? I wonder if he was wearing elevator shoes?

I grew up in Chicago and the suburbs ... I don't remember ever hearing terms like "hon" being used by someone you didn't know. Moved to Texas and just the thought of being called "honey" by a waitstaff was offensive just like when I lived in Baltimore and a waitstaff would call me "Hon" - drove me nuts.... it seems like it's just lazy and a bad habit. I cannot imagine calling someone who walked into my office any of those words ... honey, sweetie, hon, whatever. I would ask you to think about a situation you might call a stranger by a word that is a term of endearment - seems weird and inappropriate. And then terms like Boss, Bro, Cuz.... again all sound like you give a darn but really it's just lazy.

My most recent experience with this topic: in 2013 Mom suffered a stroke, was in the hospital room here in SF with her when it so happened that it was time for her medicine. This early 30s blonde nurse comes in saying to Mom, "Time to take your medicine, sweetie." Hearing that label, I was stunned since here I hadn't the word "sweetie" in years... probably since the early 1960s or 1950s.

I was flattered she said that to Mom, who was still pretty much out of it but smiled upon seeing that nurse. I thanked this nurse for calling Mom that word and told her I had not heard such that in ages.

Cyn, humble brag here but nobody is better at being woke and virtue signaling than me. Whatever others are doing, I can top it.

Weird and inappropriate? C'mon down good buddies to WV and we'll show you how that works.

Not bad for some poor white boy from the hollers of West Virginny. Yee-haww!

Big Mike "weird and inappropriate-c'mon down good buddies to West Virginia and we'll show you how that works". To see how that works, they can also come to AL-last summer Tuscaloosa was dealing with the escaped python and the meth squirrel at the same time. Not to mention the statue of the boll weevil in Enterprise.

It’s common here in northern california in care facilities and hospitals for older people to be called by terms of endearment by nurses and nurse’s aids. Anywhere else, no...

Not taking this topic too seriously, but it is good to point out that cultural difference with other countries.

According to my grade school teachers, good manners were invented to help society facilitate social interactions. I don't think you'll hear "sir" or "ma'am" anywhere in the US more than in the South, except for the military where it is required. By definition, it can't be intended to be offensive to revert the most polite form of address in casual conversation. I don't mind getting the honey/sweetie treatment, as I choose to accept it as the harmless flirtation that it is. I would find it comforting in a health care situation, but thats a bit more intimate situation. But I wouldn't dare use it myself, unless I had a good reason.

Using endearing nicknames also means that you don’t necessarily need to remember names. Everybody’s “Hon.”

But then, no one’s a faceless body either, receiving just an impersonal greeting.

Face it, JamesE, you’re just a sweet guy, and she let you know it. And she was returning your courtesy. A little courtesy goes a long way, especially when it’s recognized, and even if it’s not necessarily appreciated. Thanks for sharing, sir! 😊

This topic sure has generated lots of responses!

A few years back we met a young veteran from the Deep South through my husband's racing. He was friends with those of his generation around the paddock.

He called everyone old enough to be his parents by Mr. or Miz and their first name. I was Miz Lo, my husband was Mr. Trout and the father of his closest friends in the group was Mr. Kenny.

I don't remember that growing up in Texas, but it was both refreshing and endearing.

The cultural and dialect differences among the regions and people of the US are fading, but it's a pleasure for me to hear them when I can.

My husband, from WA, has teased me for 32 years about saying "might could." One time when we still lived there, I had to make a work call to Dallas. The person's response to my question started out, "Well, we might could..." Before we got much farther I thanked her for saying that, and made sure to tell my husband about how it made my day.

Vive la différence, indeed.

Konzerthaus Berlin.

I had a ticket problem and went to the ticket window to get it resolved.

The guy in the ticket window asked me a question, and I answered affirmatively with "Yes, sir," like any good Southerner would.

He looked at me and said, "Yes, sir? We're not in the Army." Then he started muttering something under his breath that included the words "yes" and "sir."

Tenth Grade.

Central Kentucky.

Made the move from a small Christian school to a big public high school that year.

I would always say "Yes, sir" and "No, sir" to the parents of my new friend, Josh.

They loved it, telling him he should hang out with that new Dave kid more (instead of the friends with whom he had recently spent a night in juvenile detention for trying to steal a "Joshua Circle" street sign in a neighborhood). Josh hated it and told me it was not cool. "Just say 'yeah' and 'no.'"

The next time I was at his house, his mom asked me a question. I responded, "Yeah... [pause]... ma'am." I looked at Josh and said, "I can't do it. It's going to be yes ma'am and no ma'am."

He accepted it.

And he never spent another night in juvenile detention.

I agree "honey," "luv," "sugar," and so forth is lazy. "Sir" and "ma'am" are much more vigorously intellectual, but it's gender specific, which is offensive. A person at the grocery store called me something like that and I almost gave her a good talking to. If "the person" had called me "sir" that would have pushed me over the ledge and I would have gone straight to management.

If you take age into consideration that is "ageism," which is discriminatory. I've already mentioned that consideration of gender can be offensive and presumptuous.

How about, "Good evening; are you a party of two?" There has to be a woke way to greet people.

cala, someone told me that Mississippi is West Virginia without the mountains. I wonder if that is true for Bama, too? I'd say, "Roll, Tide" but they win too much anyway!

@Dave in SC: many years back I was going through passport control at a small city on the Pacific coast in Mexico and when the officer handed me back my passport I gave him a formal 'Gracias, Señor' - he sighed, rolled his eyes, gave a little 'check out this guy' head tilt to the officer in the next window and loudly replied 'De nada, Señor' like I was some throwback to an earlier epoch.

@BigMike: here on the best coast we find that 'folks' works just fine (if you need something besides 'dudes' or 'guys') for non-specific courtesy.

avirosemail, agree completely.

On another note, when a culture is using terms or language we believe to be inappropriate, then it is our responsibility to correct them, especially when we find it offensive or demeaning, because we know better.

We were in a small town in France staying at a B&B. We were having breakfast there and said to the owner/server “Madame Le Beau (not her real name) could I have some more coffee please?”
She looked at me a little oddly and later when I saw her in the stairway she corrected the way I had addressed her. She said that the French would only use “Madame “ in addressing someone and not adding there last name. I knew her name quite readily as I had been emailing back and forth about our reservation.

My Spanish teacher (who is Columbian) told us that Spanish speakers rarely say "gracias" in the way English speakers say "Thank you" without really thinking.

When buying a melon at the market in Coulommiers, a small town east of of Paris, the stall holder addressed me as "Jeune homme". That is what an English stall holder might also say in the circumstances. The English salutation I dislike is "My friend", which seems insincere when coming from someone you have just met.

Isn't every greeting more or less insincere? It bothered my grandfather a little bit when people would greet him with, "How are you doing?" In general they didn't care, with a few exceptions among close friends.

It is said Americans smile too much and it's phony. I beg to differ. I smile to bring a little warmth to life. Not a big, vacuous, idiot smile; just a little hint that I'm human and understand you are, too.

Yes, there are people that say, "Good day" and "luv" and actually put some heart into it. It doesn't mean they want to have intimate relations with you. Guten tag and auf Wiedersehn is lazy, too.

Some of us were raised to say "sir" and "ma'am", and if you have a military background it's a common term of respect, regardless of age or place in society.

Isn't every greeting more or less insincere?

How are you doing, nice to meet you, how's it going...I think they've all become catchphrases without real intent of wanting or expecting an answer, but body language and eye contact go a long way in putting the whole package together of showing sincerity.

Of course greetings are insincere. They were invented, and appear to be used in most cultures, as a way of initiating a conversation between strangers or for a temporary social transaction, in which sincerity has no part. Consider how the nonsensical greeting of "how do you do?" is to be interpreted in another language. Its just a formality. I've had several German classes over the years, and every teacher made a point of not asking a German "how are you?" as they would take that literally and either tell you all the details of their health, or be insulted by your personal question. You can't dictate how other people will react to your greeting (smile or not) so thats why its best to stick to the local custom, and err on the side of formal.

I have always thought it to be very sweet when in England, I’m called “Love” by the person behind a counter who’s making me tea, a docent, a server at a restaurant, etc.

I worked for Nike for a short time and we supported the Memphis warehouses where all the shoes were shipped. In talking with the sweet southern ladies they always said "Thank you Precious have a blessed day". Which I thought was very cute.

I've only been called hon, lov or sweetie in UK and US. I think I've been called my dear too in the London years back. It sounds pleasant to hear when I'm abroad, but when at home it just seems weird and even rude.

I don’t mind any of the aforementioned endearments and anyone of them would be nice to hear but I am always greeted with “Hi Guys” when in a restaurant here in Southern California. I am not a guy! Can’t you see? I am a senior citizen! To me, it is a rude greeting and it is mostly called by young, perky kids at the hostess stations and also the waitstaff. Haven’t been to a restaurant in months because of the virus, but when I return, I will let them know it is distasteful to me but in a nice way! Thanks, guys, for listening to me!

Thanks, guys, for listening to me!

So you hate when you are addressed as part of a group with "guys", but then you address all of us that way? ;-)

I actually prefer a greeting of the type "Hello, welcome to [Restaurant Name}!" stated in a sincere manner. No need to tell me your name, I will forget it as soon as you leave my table anyway, no need to appear artificially friendly. Just be a good waiter.

"Guys" is not politically correct nor woke.

When speaking to a group, say ya,ll. No sex implied.

raquel, too Southern/country.

Oh so true. How about yous-guys? No southern in that! I actually like the straight forward , hello. How can I help you?

youse wise guys

From christa, above:

I had a boyfriend from Virginia who called me doll baby--not baby doll, he said it was a distinct term that southerners use

So for anyone using “Guys” to address people, how about also using “Dolls?”

Nathan Detroit would be so proud!

Cyn you don't have to go back as far as that - you can stick with the Coen Bros. "Millers Crossing"
and call the dames 'twists'. The dudes can be 'mugs'.

So when it’s Muggy, they’re not talking about the weather, but just that there are a lot of males about?

And Twisty doesn’t refer to a winding road, but just that females abound?

Honey, Baby, Sweetie, etc. - sound delightful by comparison!

When I moved to Florida (late '70s) - from central Indiana and Chicago - They instantly knew I wasn't from "around here" when I asked "What are you guys doing this weekend" - no matter the size or gender of the group. To which my buddy who had transferred to Dallas and adopted their favorite phrase would reply " W.e.l.l.l, I'm fixin - to get ready to go to the beach!"

I don’t really mind any of the honey and sweetie terms. What I have noticed since my recent move to Florida is that every woman in my workplace is referred to as “mama” by a large number of people. That one rubs me the wrong way every time someone says it to me. I am not, and never will be, anyone’s mother.