Advice for Mother traveling with Daughter

I am actually currently in the process of planning a trip where I am the 40-year old daughter and will be traveling with my mom and my daughter in August. I am the more experienced traveler, so I set up a route plan and then forwarded it to my mom so she can try and research things along the route she would like to see. Because I travel more frequently, I am really hoping to make the trip special for her, so I am doing lots of checking in to make sure she likes the bones of the trip. After a few days of planning, I realized we needed to have a conversation about our expectations as well to make sure we were on the same page.

I think discussions about budget and desired activity level will help with the planning. Even though I think I know my mom and what she would like, I am finding out I might not be as in the know as I thought.

I am so excited for all of you, having these very special opportunities to make life-long memories.

My adult daughter and I have taken several trips together. As we all know, communication is key, along with ALL parties having done significant research BEFORE any reservations are made, which helps set expectations, responsibilities, and thus aides in this communication. Sometimes it's nice delegating who plans a specific day. I have a feeling you all have great relationships from which to build a trip.

You didn't mention the financial aspects, but obviously this is a key area of communication. My daughter and I spit all costs evenly, so each night we "square up", at least on paper, because it all gets muddled after 24 hours. We have found that hotels have no problem halving the bill, when presented with two credit cards for the balance.

I have accepted that my 30-ish daughter can go back out at night to walk and explore, after I have retired.

Although our energy level are similar, sometimes I do need extra time to rest my feet, and my adult daughter is now comfortable with wandering a museum alone, and I am fine sitting in a gallery in a comfy chair, people watching, perhaps with wine.

Keeping/planning a regular eating/nourishment schedule is very important, especially for us seniors, who can turn into grumps when it's been hours since our last meal.

All the above are just little bumps along that way. From my perspective, adult children are so busy, so it's such a treasure to have this quality time to spend together, to experience, explore, and make memories together that will last for decades.

I’ve taken two trips with my adult daughter. Once domestically and once to Ireland. Since I’m retired and she is not I did the research - although she has travelled pretty extensively on her own. I would come up with places to see and do and ideas on what and where to eat. I’d then forward the links to her for her to say yea or nae. Each area would have multiple choices so even if timing didn’t work out we would just roll with it. For us, the important thing was to not try to see it all. We’re pretty similar in that we can each succumb to sensory overload. And we each can get hangry. So slowing down and having snacks was important.

As a daughter who's mother took her on her first trip to Europe at age 30, here are my suggestions.

Let her plan the trip. My mother gave me a budget and let me plan the hotels and where to go. While mom had the ultimate say, I was able to plan my trip and discuss with my mom where she and I wanted to go.

Plan some time apart. I love my mother but 24/7 with her for a week and a half was a bit much. We planned times where she went where she wanted and I went were I wanted then met up afterwards at the hotel. Worked great for us.

Arguments will happen don't worry about it. My mom and I had a blowup right near St Paul's that we now laugh at.

After20 years I still look back fondly on my trip with mom. While we had our disputes, she did take me on my first trip to Europe-we discovered Bonfire Night and mince pies and my mom even sweet-talked our way into seeing part of Santa's Grotto at Harrods.

I think all the problems you are likely to have are the same as for any two people traveling together (For the first long trip?). A practice long weekend away might be a good tune up. For example, it turns out that my wife and I love traveling together and we have many similar interests. We can easily keep up with one another - if we so choose. But, apart time is also important to us. I like to be up and going in the morning - she prefers a casual start or an afternoon nap... Too hot, too cold, too busy, etc. Discuss travel styles and preferences ahead of time and accept that joint planning is not just agreeing ("That seems nice"), but creating back-ups so one doesn't feel dragged along too fast, or too slowly. One of the benefits of credit cards for major travel expenses... you can divide it on the spot, or add it up at the end off the trip and divide by two. Whatever your individual expectations are, discuss them ahead of time.

Having a fun coffee and cake experience is more important than the missed "Another Beautiful Church."

I have taken nine vacations with my mother, not to Europe but within the US. You don't state where your are going on this vacation and for me that would help suggesting what to see or do that would make the trip special.

Whenever my mom and I went to a city, Philadelphia, Charleston, Washington DC among some of the places we visited, I always made sure we had tickets to see a play as we love the theatre. When my mom & I were in Charleston we spent a whole day at a plantation and that was a hightlight for both of us on that trip. If your traveling to Vienna you can go to concerts. I had tkts to several concerts and an opera when I went twice to Vienna. When I was in London I had tkts to see a play and I also went to tea with friends at Forum & Mason. When I was in Paris I went to Monet's Gardens.

I would choose something that you both have an interest in and enjoy and something that you can't do at home, like a special type of resturant or tea or a food tour or a pub walk. My mom & I are huge Downton Abbey fans and I will be in London and going on the Downton Abbey tour to see Highclere. She can't travel any longer but if she was with me, we would being going together for sure!

I hope this helps give you ideas.

I have accepted that my 30-ish daughter can go back out at night to walk and explore, after I have retired.

Bless you Pat, can you have a talk with my mom? Unfortunately at this point my mom is unwilling to brave the flight which is very uncomfortable for her, but she visited 3 times and my 80+ grandma came one time after her, plus my husbands' parents, so I do have advice on the younger side of things, but the advice would be the same for really anyone traveling together:

Figure out the things that interest you both, and prioritize them, as in one thing per day. Then maybe one (or both) of you have something they want to see that the other person has no interest in. This is a good time for the person with less energy/interest to relax, go shopping, or do something different. A little time apart each day is good for travel like this, and since you're an experienced traveler, this shouldn't present much of a problem. Splitting up is really underrated in group travel. I've dragged my family to countless art museums because I like them and they think they should see them, but in reality, I felt hurried because I knew they didn't want to be there and weren't getting anything out of it, whereas I was dragged to countless Hard Rock Cafes when I got nothing out of it. An extreme example, but splitting up every so often keeps you from wanting to murder the other and you can have a great conversation about what you experienced while you were apart.

Another thing - and I'm not presuming your energy level or anything else - but a lot of older people with adult children will refuse our well-intentioned suggestions to rest or relax because they want to prove they can keep up, and this often leads to grumpiness. If you (or she) is tired and wants to spend a few hours in the hotel or in a cafe just relaxing, it's fine to just say so! It's about enjoying the experience, not proving a point.

Wow, so many great responses already! I’ll just briefly answer a couple of questions you asked.

We’re going to Italy! I asked her to pick a country & followed by asking general “likes/dislikes” questions to come up with 10 possible itineraries and let her choose her favorite after looking up the info about each option.

For the budget, I am paying for all lodging & train tickets. She is paying for her own activities, meals and plane ticket.

Have any of you had separate hotel rooms for a couple of nights? I asked her if she would like “a break” planned, but she thought we would be fine together.

No problems with my energy level! My family jokes that they can barely keep up with me....but plentiful gelato breaks do help keep me in a good mood - ha!

I am planning my first "mother-son" trip to Europe for the end of March. We have traveled some together in the past and I know that there are some key things I can do to make things better.
Space- In our case, we each need to be able to have our own space at the end of the day. Fortunately, we are headed to Portugal where my brother owns a 3 bedroom condo. We'll have a few days away from this base, but I think it will serve us well and I'll rent two hotel rooms on those days.
Interests- It is important to find out what the top "interests" are for the other person and make sure the key ones are addressed.
Stressors- I know that if I get tense or uptight about a plan or the logistics it translates as immediate stress to my son. I have to make myself be more relaxed, so it is actually quite good for me. :)
Communication: Know when to talk and know when to allow a break from talking. If I am not careful, I just don't stop and this can lead to issues.

Check into getting an apartment at some point in the trip. This way you will still be together, but have a little more space than one room.

I think it would be good to discuss expectations. If one of you wants to be going-going-going all day and the other would like to take a break in the afternoon for a nap, you should know this. Also, discuss what you hope to “get” from the trip. I took a trip with a dear friend who’s priority was to mingle with locals. I’m an introvert, so I’m glad we talked about it and planned some time to hang out at a pub. If you want to “be out in nature”, does that mean sitting on a bench enjoying the view, or hiking for a couple of hours?

*Have any of you had separate hotel rooms for a couple of nights?"

Yes, absolutely!!

My parents and I are traveling together this week, one of many, many trips we've taken together.

My favorite hotel arrangement is a family suite - 2 bedrooms and usually 1 bath shared. We can go to bed at different times and set our own room temperatures. That is a big one for us... they crank up the heat where I'd have the windows open.

On this trip, I planned a mix of separate/shared rooms and a family suite, depending on the property. Mom did comment at one point...."you don't want to share a room with us any more?"

When we have separate rooms, I request them to be near each other so we can visit easily.

Tomorrow night... the family suite!

"Did you do anything different than normal because you were traveling with your adult child or parent?"

In our case, so many things are different. I plan a different pace with them, which doesn't seem to apply for you.

Food is a big difference for us. I love adventurous dining. They don't venture too far from their norms. We check menus to make sure they can find something they'll eat.

My mom and I travel together quite often in Europe. I’m 45 and she is in her late 60s. What has saved us is separate hotel rooms or Airbnb’s with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. We have a good relationship, but being together 24-7 is sometimes difficult and It’s great to have our own space, even for getting ready in the mornings. Luckily, we have the same interests so seeing sites is something we generally agree on. One issue that we have is that I’m a teacher and find it hard to take off my teacher hat, especially when we’re traveling to places I’ve been before. Mom gets annoyed when she feels like I am “treating her like one of my students” which is completely unintentional. She’s not at all independent and so sometimes I do feel like I am the parent and she’s the child - Example, she wandered off in Venice a few months ago and I lost a few years of my life worrying that I’d never find her and she had no idea what to do. But all in all, she’s a good travel partner, enjoys seeing new places and I hope we have many years of traveling ahead!! I hope you have a wonderful time and my best piece of advice would be to book separate rooms even if you don’t think you need them – it’s nice to have some space! 😄

Edited to include – I generally pay for everything so that I get the points on my card. When we get back to the US, we settle up. Some people mentioned splitting up and each person doing some things on their own. I would love to do this, but my mom is not at all independent and is very intimidated at the thought of going somewhere on her own, even in an English-speaking country. Because of this, we are basically together constantly, hence the need for separate rooms! 🤣

I'm replying from the perspective of an adult daughter who has done multiple international trips with my mother and is currently planning one with my dad for the first time for 2020. I think others have given you excellent advice about being introspective and that both of you should do a little soul searching about your expectations before this trip.

What I want to add is that only you and your daughter know what your relationship is really like. I, for one, can't imagine going on a trip with my mom and not sharing a hotel room the whole time. One of our favorite things to do when we travel is pick up some kind of local treat (usually chocolate!) during the day and then when we get back to our hotel that night we get in our pajamas and relax and enjoy a local treat together.

I'm pretty sure if I suggested to my mom that we get separate rooms that she would cry. But we are very close and have traveled a lot together so we know what to expect. That's not to say that we aren't very different. I'm a night owl, she's a morning person, that sort of thing. But we know those things about each other and we have fun anyway. I just bring earplugs so I don't hear her get up at 6am every day. My trips with my mom have looked very different than trips I've done with friends, or on my own, but they've been so special and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I don't want you to assume you can't or shouldn't room together or spend every minute together. It can be done, but only you and your daughter can assess if that approach will work for you.

One other quick note: someone mentioned earlier about splitting bills, expenses, etc. You might consider an app for this. My folks and I have used the Splitwise app for years when we travel together. It makes it so easy to keep track of who owes who and you can divide bills up in varying different ways. It'll also let you record expenses in different currencies. It's made our lives so much easier! I'm sure there are others too, but this one has worked for us.

What a special trip for you both! A few years ago, my mom and I went to Dublin and Madrid, each for a week. I was in my mid-50's and she was in her early 70's. So, my comments are from the "grown daughter" perspective. Here are my comments/suggestions in no particular order:

• Communication is key.
• Discuss how much "alone time" each of you needs. Be prepared to spend time on your own. My mom and I had a small apartment in Madrid and separate rooms in Dublin. I needed the downtime and so did she.
• Plan activities, dates, etc. together as much as possible. I planned a lot, but conferred with Mom on all decisions. She was willing to visit just about anywhere, so it was pretty easy. Be willing to try an activity the other one wants to do.
• Plan just 1 or 2 "big" activities a day. We both needed time to rest up. Allow time to just people watch or walk around. We had some of our best times visiting sites we just came across.
• Paying the bills - except for the plane tickets, I paid for the special activities we did (Flamenco show in Madrid, Irish dinner and show), the lodging, and some train tickets and she paid me back. Nice way for me to earn travel awards! Meals we paid in cash and just kinda split the bill. Mom bought me a few meals since I did a lot of the planning.

Have a great time, be patient with each other, and don't put pressure on yourselves to "have the trip of a lifetime". Buon viaggio!

Wow, I am just humbled and amazed at all the time you took to write out such valuable advice! My daughter and I will read through these together after the holidays to discuss the points you shared.

Thank you for giving us the chance for a great start both planning and being introspective as we consider the trip dynamics, wishes and any potential hot button topics. Several of your comments really touched me as you conveyed how special your memories are of your own adult family trips.

And on the practical side, thanks Allie for mentioning the Splitwise app! Great solution; we’ll definitely use it.

I for one, can't imagine going on a trip with my mom and not sharing a hotel room the whole time...I'm pretty sure if I suggested to my mom that we get separate rooms that she would cry.”

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