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Ode to a Mangosteen: Adventures in Paris (special Lyon edition)

Y’know what you need?

You need a mangosteen.

“But wait!”, you say, “What’s a mangosteen and why do I need one?”

Because it’s the most glorious fruit to ever come out of the Garden and it’s impossible to find in the US. True, our international readers are scoffing at my mangosteen-less-ness, but if it was good enough for ol’ Queen Vic to offer 100 quid to anyone who could bring her not-amused self one, it’s damned good enough for you to want one, too.

And you DO want one. You do not want to exit this mortal plane without having once tasted a mangosteen. This is Bucket List material, people, and it needs to be near the top, along with nude sky-diving with an agreeable Frenchman/woman and flying Business Class on someone else’s dime.

Y’know where you can get a mangosteen?

Lyon, France.

To the person who recommended Les Halles de Lyon Paul Bocuse, I owe you my first-born. It was both that good and I care for children that little. Also, I found a mangosteen there. But that little discovery was only the Koh-i-Noor in the crown jewels of gastronomic excess. In the Seven Deadly Sins, Les Halles is to gluttony what the Moonlight Bunny Ranch of Carson City, Nevada, is to lust. Or, to take it to the next level, let me quote “Q” of Star Trek: The Next Generation fame:

“It’s wondrous. There’s treasures here to satiate tastes both subtle and gross.”

And oh god, is there . . . wandering through Les Halles is food porn at its most excessive. Fresh morels? That’ll be a mere 130 euros a kilo, please. Oh, you want that cured ham that comes from a little village in Italy where the hogs come from stock that was around when the Romans were kicking ass? The kind of oinkers that only eat truffles and acorns and are massaged by prelates from the local monastery during a full moon? The kind of ham that’s been curing since Mussolini got hung upside down and ended up as a backstop for every partisan packing a Carcano? Yeah, they got that. Whatever your appetite, they’ve got a way to feed it. If you’ve got the euros -- oh so many euros -- they’ve got whatever creature once trotted this earth, swum in the seas or flew in the air that you would want to stick in your mouth.

I didn’t walk through Les Halles, I skipped joyously as vendors fed me samples of food that was at least three times too good for me. “Have some cheese! Have some jambon! Stick this in your mouth and chew . . . THE FIRST ONE’S FREE!” And I -- hapless, helpless I -- waded through the stands like a great baleen whale, mouth agape, filter-feeding whatever morsels of Heaven were tossed my way. Do they not know me? Do they not know that I have the impulse control of a hyperactive 6-year-old who ate three boxes of Peeps? “Have some pate! Have some wine! It’ll only cost . . . YOUR SOUL! (and about a gazillion euros).” The bastards had my number and soon I was buying goodies left and right. I even saw a giant two-inch roach in its death throes in front of a pastry stand -- and I bought something there anyway! Weeping with shame and joy, I thought I’d been to the mountain. Then my wife, the temptress, asked, “Isn’t that a mangosteen?”

It was all a blur after that. The euros and food flew. One of those? Yes, please! A couple of those? Oh, god, thank you! Just like the Little Piggy (who was turned into prosciutto), it was oui, oui, oui all through Les Halles. Finally, something had to give: my stomach or my wallet. I know excess and generally know when to stop. Les Halles bested me. Yet, I’m still drooling as I think of it now.

And that mangosteen? The one I just ate like 20 minutes ago? It was even BETTER than I’d hoped it would be.

Y'know what you need? You NEED a mangosteen. Just leave the chip-and-pin card at home.

(More Lyon coming soon!)

-- Mike Beebe

Posted by
11033 posts

Like many others , I suspect, I had to do some research.

the description of "fluid filled vesicles" and the part one eats being the "Ovary" of the tree, fully explains why you found it so delectable

Did you conduct a statistically valid sampling of ALL the wines of Lyon,as you indicated was your mission is an earlier post?
How did THAT go?

Great reading

Posted by
4761 posts

Oh
My
Gawd.

You know that ubiquitous Internet acronym: ROTF LMAO? Well I'm black and blue from all the rolling. And am now off to the ED to have my A sewn back on.

I'm really, really enjoying your daily musings. Can't wait for your further adventures.

Posted by
672 posts

Too funny! You have to write a book someday! You have quite a following and we can't wait to read your next installment.

Posted by
2168 posts

You are so generous to share your time, your wit and your experiences with us. You've got a real fan club started. Grocery stores are being searched.

Posted by
9404 posts

Another fantastic post Mike!

I don't know what your "real" job is, but as others in all your threads have said, a very successful (read: Rich) writer could be in your future. Then you could afford all the mangosteens your stomach can handle!

Posted by
2393 posts

LMAO!!! Reading your description of your jaunt through Les Halles de Lyon inspired me! The "We Love You Mr. Goldstone" song kept running through my head - a great big production number with the vendors all singing & dancing while leading you through their lair of culinary pleasure!

Have some pate, Mr Beebe
Have a truffle, have some pastry, have some cheese
Have a mangosteen, Mr Beebe
Any ham that we can spare we're glade to share!

Have some wine, have some pork, it's all so fine, without a fork
Keep on skipping, feed your face
Have a bite, its alright
Would you like to stay all night?
We're so glad you love the place!

Posted by
11033 posts

Someone out there who has the tech savvy to set up a "crowd funded" travel fund should do so, to keep Mike traveling throughout Europe for an extended period of time.

Reading his reports is way better than reading or watching the daily news

Posted by
2252 posts

Please count me in as an enthusiastic member of any potential Mike Beebe Fan Club. I thoroughly enjoy reading everything you write and traveling along with you on this adventure is a true pleasure!

Posted by
10120 posts

like
All of Mike's posts and all of the wonderful comments.

Posted by
13809 posts

Mike and Christi!! Too funny!