European Weddings vs. American Weddings

In Germany, you have to have a civil ceremony which is usually at the city hall. Here in FF, it is right in the middle of the city square, which makes it fun to watch the couples emerge. Friends and family have various things planned, such as a sekt toast, releasing balloons, pretzels, throwing flower petals or activities, like sawing a log, cutting a heart out of a sheet and then crawling thru it, having a wagon everybody has to pedal to make move, or they will have vehicles for the wedding party to ride off in - decorated velo taxis, antique cars, limo, etc. Always with a bouquet on the hood and usually a big ribbon. Some couples have a church or mosque wedding directly afterwards. Or they will have that at a later date, sometimes up to a year later. A nice dress or suit is common, though lately, I have been seeing a lot more wedding dresses. Ethnic weddings are also fun to see, with very different costumes. Or if one person is a chimney sweep for example, all their friends who are chimney sweeps will show up in their special outfits. Kinda cool! Gay couples of course, are also quite common. After the civil or religious ceremony, dinner at a restaurant or a reception will take place. I think Moslem or ethnic weddings will have a bigger party. If either person is not German, it can take up to 6 months to get the license and lots of translations. Therefore, many expats head up to Denmark - the Las Vegas of Europe. Travel agencies specialize in handling the paperwork, and it takes about 2 weeks.

Thanks for sharing, Jo! I was secretly hoping you'd chime in, given your expertise on Germany...

And I must say, I'd take any of those fun activities over the chicken dance any day...

Things I've noticed in addition to Jo's thoughts:
-people wear dark colors to weddings here, even summer weddings. Almost like a funeral. My experience has been they're all formal (although this is certainly not a RULE, but has been my experience). I mean dressy-funeral to black tie gowns for women (even for an afternoon wedding), and the men wearing dark suits and dark ties.

-floral arrangements here are way cool. Unless you get married in a tiny village in the middle of nowhere, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with what the florist comes up with =)

-videographers and photographers BLEND here; they are not your private paparazzi. Personally, I like this. The guests aren't waiting for 1hr+ while the couple has pix after the ceremony. I also find that nice, as a guest at least!

-in church ceremonies the bride and groom sit during the service, sometimes in a pew, sometimes in specially decorated chairs. Bridesmaids and groomsmen don't happen here like in the US.

-receptions with dinners usually have games or something like a talent/variety show of some kind. The guests are usually notified by somebody who organizes the evening of what's available and then you respond if you'd like to contribute. I've seen cheesy games followed by a cheesy DJ for dancing to an event where the bride's family/friends where all musicians and the 'show' was a series of chamber music groups, trumpet solos, etc.

-Dancing happens, not like American weddings where usually only the newlyweds can do a waltz...Germans crank up the tunes and dance - but they waltz, cha-cha, foxtrot, etc. I find this funny, but when we go to American weddings my German husband says "Americans just can't dance!" LOL, I see where he's coming from. =)

-You can Google the Nuernberg Bridal Cup for something fun to add to your wedding. I've seen this at a wedding where the bride's family came from Nuernberg.

Hope that helps!

OK, I can almost sense the hate-mail coming my way, but since I have some experience with Flemish weddings, I'll give my perspective.

Some differences- like many European countries, the religious ceremony is not legally sufficient without a civil ceremony. Also, there's a difference between the "reception" and the "party". The "reception" is closer to a happy hour, usually just drinks. All wedding guests are invited. The party, however, is similar to what we call a reception, except not everyone is invited, it lasts much longer, is less formal, and a little rowdier. One of the biggest differences overall, though (here comes the hate-mail), is that the whole proceding is less bride-centric, and less engineered. The emphasis is less on "her perfect day" than a celebration of two families coming together. Of course, I've seen exceptions, but the guiding principle seems to be more on fun and good food (this being a country of gormands, food is very important) for all, rather that making the occassion as elegant as possible. I've even seen a party where the music consisted of two singers armed with accordians.
The only unique tradition I have seen consistently observed is that when the song "Le lac de Comerara" (or something like that) plays, everyone stands up and waves their napkins, like the Pittsburg Steeler fans with their towels. Other than that (and lots of good hearty food and beer), Flemish wedding parties don't seem to follow any specific formula.

Juliette, thank you for sharing further observations. Overall, I have yet to hear anything I would be opposed to while attending (or having) a wedding! And you can be darn sure my fiance and I are among the "Americans who can't dance" group (but does it count if we have fun trying?).

As for your comments, Tom, they couldn't have warmed my heart more. Part of the reason we are 'running away' to have our symbolic, simple, more meaningful wedding ceremony overseas (the legal mumbo-jumbo will be taken care of here in the States right before we leave) is to avoid a lot of the hoopla that inevitably seeps into American weddings and to incorporate something very important to us, travel. Further (and many people might find this to be sacrilegious), the reason we are focusing our efforts on Germany, Austria, and Switzerland is not only because of the stunning scenery, but because of the desserts. There, I said it.

Who knows, it may only end up being me, my fiance, and a herd of Alpine cows as guests but it will allow us to simplify the event and focus on the true meaning of the day.

That said, as I was pondering the whole wedding business I got to wondering how European weddings were conducted. Thanks again for sharing, and keep the stories coming!

Not only are there differences in wedding traditoins between European countries, there are also regional traditions that are unknown of in other areas of the country. I can only talk about German traditions and some regional Westphalian ones.

One part that I haven't seen in Northamerica is the role the neighbours play. A wedding becomes quite a community event, not just for the families involved. It's up to the neighours to decorate the house - either the house the couple is moving into or the house of the bride's parents. Neighbours get together to make garlands to decorate the front door - "kraenzen". They put up a clothing line in the front yard with baby clothing and diapers on it. Maybe even put up a stroller on the roof or somewhere visible. And there will always be coffee and cake prepared by some neighbour to go along with the work of those preparations.

In addition to the actual wedding ceremony and reception there is also a party the night before the wedding called "Polterabend". No invitation is sent out for this, everyone meaning especially the neighbours can come. It's a very low-key party, the couple only makes sure that there's a keg of beer and some schnaps to greet the guests with. All the guests bring some old china or crockery and smash it in front of the house when they arrive, then drink their glass of schnaps and enter the party. That's for good luck and reminds me of some Greek traditions. This can become quite a rowdy event so in recent years the "Polterabend" has often been moved to a date a week before the wedding so the couple can recover and be rested for their real event.

cont.

One tradition during the wedding reception is the "Schleiertanz" - veil dance. It's a fun way to collect some money from the guests to help cover the cost of the event. But it's only meant for small amounts. Two people stand on chairs and hold the bride's veil up in the air between them. The couple starts dancing beneath the veil. At that point anybody can come up and request a dance with the bride or the groom by throwing some money into the veil. They are allowed to dance for as long as the next person comes up and throws money into the veil. Which could be only seconds later ...

Another tradition that can happen during the reception is the "Brautentfuehrung" - Abduction Of The Bride. Some guests might take the bride away to some secret place in the city and the groom has to show how important that women is in his life by going after them and find her. However, this tradition has fallen a bit out of favour as this can take the couple away from their reception for several hours! Many couple have some idea who among their guest might be interested in that tradition and often talk to them beforehand requesting specifically to refrain from doing it. It doesn't always work ...

A tradition that's more in favour is the "Hochzeitszeitung" - the wedding newspaper. Friends, family and neighbours collect stories and pictures about the couple and re-write them to fit the style of a flashy newspaper. That's shown then during the reception.

Thank you, Beatrix! But man, talk about pressure for the bride and groom, coming home to find their house decorated in diapers with a stroller on the roof... yikes.

I recently read on this forum a story a poster shared about a wedding in Slovenia having a very similar event to the Abduction of the Bride. Sounds like it could get out of hand, for sure. Overall, though, it sounds like European weddings are full of community events with everyone on hand to help the couple celebrate. How fun!

(ps Beatrix, my cousin, who lives in Luxembourg, has been pushing us to get married in the Calgary area as she LOVES it there)

I should really call my mom first to get the exact details, but after my parents' wedding in Germany (Mom is German), the best man and a group of people "kidnapped" my mom and took her to a gasthaus. The groom (my Dad) had to show up and pay for everyone's food/drinks as ransom to get my mom back.

I'm enjoying reading about the different wedding customs, but I feel I must speak up. You seem to want a more "toned down" wedding, but you going to Europe to be married will not accomplish this. Going overseas for a wedding is extravagent. You will not be amongst many friends, relatives, neighbors with fun local customs. Those people are at the wedding of their friends that night. You will be the well-to-do Americans surrounded by the people who could afford to come to your wedding. (Some of whom will be resentful they are paying so much for a vacation location they did not choose.)

I'm not trying to be critical. You may live in a circle in which a lot is expected at a wedding, and all your friends have done the over-the-top stuff. But YOU can avoid that just by rearranging your priorities. Dress simply, have a backyard or park picnic, pare it all down. Then spend the savings on travel. Have pride and confidence in your choice-you avoided great debt and still had fun.

No matter where it is, a wedding is blessed by the loved ones that surround you. Also, by the little children running around at the reception, and the baby that cries during the ceremony.

Jo & Juliette-in some German-American weddings, if a younger daughter is being married before her older sister, the "old maid" dances in a hog trough at the reception. Do they do that in Germany?

One fun thing they do here and it has gotten more popular, is for the bride and her friends to go downtown with all the same t-shirts or outfits on, including a veil for the bride and maybe a white t-shirt or a funny white outfit. They will have a basket or wagon of knick-knacks that they try to sell to folks, to earn money for a party for their "stag" party. It is a lot of fun to watch. The guys will do it too and sometimes the outfits are quite clever from either group. The last time we were in Heidelberg we must have seen 7-8 different groups going around. I have even seen them on the trains.

As to the "hog trough" thing, I have never heard of that. As far as do the Germans spend a lot of money on their weddings? The answer is yes, they often do. That sit-down dinner in the restaurant costs a bundle. It is just that they spend the money on different things, so it may not look as flashy or they don't do the favors for the guests, and they wont invite everybody and their brother to the wedding, but trying to be as classy as possible does cost a few euro. It is all about how it looks. This is important in German society, how does it look, what will the neighbors think, etc.

Honestly though, why don't you get married at home. I have had 2 weddings over here and not one person from my family could come. Have a low key wedding, a potluck picnic and then take a lovely honeymoon.

Thank you again for all of the interesting replies, as it has been great learning cultural traditions of others!

However, Karen, I feel particularly compelled to respond to your post because I felt the tone of it was a bit spiteful and filled with some sort of bitterness (which maybe I just mis-read). And because I'm quite sure we've never met, I'm just a little surprised by it.

That said, I would like to take a moment to clarify a few things. Perhaps I wasn't super clear in my intention for starting this post, and that is that as I was thinking about American-style wedding traditions, I began to wonder what kinds of wedding traditions Europeans have. The entire genesis of this was born out of my curiosity. That's all. Maybe I got carried away and imparted too much personal information in the OP (and subsequent posts), but my intent was not to glean information so we could go to Europe and pretend to be Germans (or Austrians, or...) for our wedding day. I thought it would be a fun topic, and have really appreciated the time taken by other posters to share their knowledge.

As for why we have decided to get married overseas, well, we have many reasons (yes, more reasons than just that the desserts are wonderful) but there is really no need for me to further bore people by sharing them. So while your suggestions (and judgements) have been read, I cannot promise we will follow them. Turns out that ultimately, we seem to know what is best for us.

Again, thank you to those who contributed to this post, I for one have loved reading them!

Well, Angela, I do want to apologize if I have offended you. I did not mean to sound spiteful. I was struck by your stated wish "to avoid a lot of the hoopla that inevitably seeps into American weddings and to incorporate something very important to us, travel." To me, traveling overseas to be married is a heck of a lot of "hoopla." You also seemed intrigued by all the customs that involved friends & neighbors, and you wouldn't get that there.

Again, sorry. I used to do a lot of catering, and I saw a lot of good moods amongst guests evaporate as the B&G were off with pictures and limo rides. Guests are often forgotten in the worship of the bride. I thought maybe you wanted to avoid that. The happiest weddings were always when the couple were laid back, confident, relaxed, because that attitude carries out to everyone else. If you want to be married in Austria, go right ahead and have a great time. If you want a scaled back/European style wedding, you can do that here.

Best of luck to you.

Angela, you stated your case in replying to Karen gracefully and well. I admire your restraint. I hope you have a wonderful wedding wherever it is to take place, and then a good and happy marriage. (By the way, I have never thought that little children running around during the reception and babies crying during the ceremony add all that much to the splendor of the wedding day.)

I didn't see anything spiteful or bitter about Karen's comments. In fact, I was thinking the same thing -- you talked about toning things down, having things less flashy, etc., but you also seemed to want family/friends around, which would seemingly put the burden on them to attend. I've been involved in a couple of "destination wedding" situations, and it can be a hardship for the family (who truly want the best for their relative, but who may not have the same means). I don't believe that Karen was suggesting that you were trying to appear German or Austrian by following their customs. She (and I) were just confused by your mixed message.

In retrospect, if I were to re-post this entire thing I would simply ask what sorts of traditions Europeans incorporate into their weddings. I mean really, did I need to take THREE paragraphs to ask that question in the OP? My word... (literally)

The double-sided problem with posting is 2000 characters is either not enough to properly convey a message or 2000 characters allows waaayy too much room for someone like me, who tends to ramble off topic and/or blurt out impertinent information. Like now, for instance.

So I, too, am sorry there have been misunderstandings/misinterpretations, and apologize for getting a little defensive about the confusion caused by my own doing. I really need to implore the monitors to limit my contributions to 300 characters so I can succinctly post on-topic and concisely, therefore eliminating the urge to spew forth non-relevant details. :)

And because I'm already doing it again (aaahhhrrgg!!!), I'll stop. Now, about those European wedding traditions...

OK, Angela, here it goes (a previous effort yesterday was stopped in mid-sentence when the reply was ditched by some gremlin, although I still had 1,200 letters to go).

In Europe, certainly Central Europe, there is a big difference between urban weddings and those in rural areas. Both have the legal ceremony (somewhat formal but not without humor), but the fun starts both before and after that act.

In the Alpine countries, weddings can be as staid or flashy as the participants want. Yes, there are no lengthly parades of bridesmaids, no lighting of family candles, and so on. But plenty of money and energy is spent in a typical wedding. Rural weddings are by far the most fun; just look:

First the prep: Polterabend ahead of the event - the lucky couple has at least one of these. Neighbors and friends help make a wedding arch (Schwingbogen) that is affixed to the house. Time to party. In Austria, 'Verkagern' is a bachelor party often by tradition. A very sacrilegious custom is that of the Bachelor Funeral (probably frowned on by the clergy) complete with mock cortege, fake prayers, candles, and a 'final rite' usually done with beer and a toilet brush in a Gasthaus. Bridegroom is unfortunate 'corpse' and gets to pay all.
Wedding morning starts with 'ausseschieß'n': at the crack of dawn, fireworks, noisemakers, and a loud band wake the wedding party. Drinks and food provided by the family. In the course of the morning, a rope barrier prevents the groom from entering the bride's hometown until certain skills are demonstrated. Drinks (bribes) provided by groom and Best Man. As noted, there are certain skills the couple has to demonstrate to show their worth as housemates. Often this is done before City Hall.

After the wedding, processing to restaurant/Gasthaus; weddings often are public - the public can pay a music fee to attend and dance. Stealing of the bride takes place sometime that eve. Best Man is responsible for her safety. He has to find her!

A Bachelor Funeral? Hmmm.. does the bride generally find humor in it, too? :)

This 'abduction' or 'stealing' of the bride keeps popping up. But in the tradition you presented, the Best Man has to find her, not the groom. Which leaves the groom at the party to enjoy himself while the bride is hiding somewhere, alone with her abductors... a medieval tradition, yes?

Martin, thanks for sharing (twice)!

hm, i've never seen the trough dancing thing, or heard of it either. BUT this is another example of how traditions can vary by village/region.

I will say that most of the traditions I've seen/read here seem to require a group of committed friends present and able to plan and carry out a few things. If you hope to incorporate some of these elements into your wedding (whether you have it here or in the US) make sure your circle of friends are clued in. =)

btw- yeah, the desserts here are great! You still have to find the right bakery since the average bakeries don't do tons of cakes/tortes, esp for occasions. However, the venue you use for a dinner will likely have their own desserts or provide a resource list.

I can empathize with wanting a low-key wedding. I know that they're possible anywhere in the world - you just have to make it about what the 2 of you want and just ignore that section of your brain that screams about what everybody else's expectations are/might be. That can be sooooo hard to do!!! =)

A couple more traditions from Germany. In the small Bavarian town where most of my relatives live the bridal party will walk from the bride's house to the church. Everybody knows everybody, so they can figure the route they will take, and the church bells announce the start of the procession. This way anyone who's interested can get to see the bride's gown as she walks by. After the Mass the local children will be gathered out in front of the church. When the couple are ready to exit, the groom has a bag of coins and tosses them into the street for the kids to scramble after. I also remember as a kid holding a rope with another kid (a local girl) across the street where the bride and groom had to pass, and they paid us a 'toll' to get by. I don't know if these traditions are regional or even just specific to that particular town, but it's neat to see them carry on through the generations.