The war, my trip to Spain, my mom is horrified, and so on

Travel to Spain should be fine.

Do not lie to your parents. If you are going to ever achieve an adult-adult relationship with them, you must act like an adult. This means being honest with them. It also means that you don’t discuss it at length and give them them opportunities to be emotionally manipulative. You inform them when you are leaving and when you plan to be back. End of discussion. If they are unwilling to honor your request not to discuss it , just don’t go on Friday nights and tell them why.

It would be a kindness to text a cheerful or interesting picture periodically to show them you are fine.

What Carol and dplauderville said. Your mother can't control you and you can't control your mother. So do what you want to do and enjoy doing it.

Should I take my trip and tell my parents I am still taking my trip?

Yes

.Should I take my trip and lie and tell my parents I canceled my trip to Spain and I am going to Tennessee instead?

NO.

If the russians spread the war beyond Ukraine, there will be nowhere to hid

Mike,

Only you can decide whether you are comfortable to travel now. If you are then you should take the trip. Tell your parents that you have weighed the risks and benefits and you are taking the trip. Let them know you will keep in touch along the way.

Good luck and have fun if you decide to go.

I’m a much less phobic but slightly anxious version of your mom, with kids slightly older than you. I’ve learned to express mild concern, and then shut up for good adult relationships with my kids. Your mom sounds like she has difficulties, but it is not your responsibility to live your life to appease her fears. It’s your life, and your decision. BTW, I had some fears about the war, and most especially Covid, but we are headed for Germany and Spain for business/pleasure. I still have trepidations about whether it’s possible to do a scaled back version of tapas (on the restaurant’s patio?, extra €€, but maybe just one or two? ) and I've convinced myself that the airspace is safe, and off we go (with masks)(and hand sanitizer)!

Firstly, you should go to Spain! We are going to Greece in May. Nothing will stop me unless flights are cancelled due to severe outbreak of Covid. Or nuclear war. I am devastated by what is happening in Ukraine. My mom's dad was born in Ukraine so I am 1/4 Ukrainian. I pray every day the world can stop Putin soon. But as another poster said, if the war spreads, and Putin starts a nuclear war (unlikely, I hope), there is nowhere to hide.

Secondly, I am sorry but I cannot believe that your parents, especially your mother, is manipulating and controlling you this way. You are 38 years old!!!! Live your life, for God's sake!!! If not, you will seriously resent your parents some day, maybe even hate them, if your life passes you by and you don't do the things you enjoy doing. Your mother is selfish and controlling. Sounds like she has many, many phobias. She needs to be in therapy.

I am a mother. I have 2 adult daughters around your age. My husband and I have never interfered in their lives and in their decisions. Both daughters have studied abroad, lived and worked in foreign countries (such as China), and have traveled a lot. We never tried to stop them. We never wanted our children to tell us some day that because of us, they couldn't do the things they wanted to do.

In the future, give your parents a week's notice before you depart on a trip. As another poster suggested, send them photos, text messages, maybe even call once or twice.

I'm leaving for Spain 6 days after you. For my third time in 5 months (long story...).

If Putin breaches NATO lines I'd rather be in Spain than in the US. (Which is not why I'm going back to Spain.)

CJean, there is no need to be snippy.
Mike obviously has a complex relationship with his parents and the Rick Steves community can give him the encouragement and support that he needs. If his posts aren't to your liking, then don't read them -- and certainly don't reply.

Mike, if it makes you feel better: Rick Steves would suspend all of his tours if he thought traveling in Europe was a safety risk. That is not the case (aside from tours that go to Russia). Spain is very far from Ukraine. Enjoy your trip!

Once you are back home, perhaps you can help your mother seek treatment for her anxiety.

Sorry but your mom has way too much input into your life. Tell them you're going and you don' t need their permission. Sounds like they need a reality check regarding your and their current stage of life.

Mike, you are allowed to go on vacation. You are allowed to have a wonderful time. You are allowed to make your own decisions.

You have informed (not asked) them that you will be gone on vacation. Period. Do not change your plans. You are entitled to use your work vacation as you please. (and Spain is wonderful!)

Please let your brother know the details of your vacation plans. I use the TripIt app, so I can add people to view my plans - my husband and adult children, while I’m on a solo trip. But, I would advise not sharing it with your parents, and I definitely would not be calling them while you are in Spain. Obviously, they would not be saying things like, “It sounds like you’re having a great time!” so take a vacation from the negative vibes, too!

Should you take the trip? Yes!
Should you REtell your parents that you’re taking the trip? No. You already informed them. And don’t lie about Tennessee. Text them when you’re on the plane for takeoff, but turn off the phone immediately afterwards.

I agree with all the constructive advice you're getting. I know you've planned this trip carefully because I've read and responded to some of your posts about it. You've had good experiences on other trips and seem to have managed them well once you got going. Now isn't the time to be traveling to Ukraine or Russia, obviously, but you're not going anywhere near those countries. Covid will be an issue for a long time, but we know how to take precautions and I doubt if Spain is any riskier than the US.

I'm not going to opine about your relationship with your parents. No one here is professionally qualified to do so, as far as I know, and anyone who is would want to meet and talk with you before offering advice. I hope you have friends or others in your community who can help you with this based on personal knowledge. Good luck with travel and everything else.

Do you want to live the script you've written for life or your mother's script for your life?

"Whose Life is it Anyway?"

Diana Ross once scribbled "you can have it anyway you want it" in lipstick on a dressing room window.

MIke,

Try not to feel guilty about your decision to go to Spain. Don't discuss it further. State the facts and travel to Spain as planned. Spain is beautiful this time of year. I have daughters just a little younger than you and I of course worry when they are traveling. That is normal. What you are describing is not normal. You can't live your life through the lens of your mother. You will live to regret it. We are all worried about the situation in Ukraine. If it impacts you in Spain then I agree with the other posts, there will be nowhere to hide.

Just one other cautionary note, don't let them intrude every minute of the day with phone calls, text messages, etc on your vacation. By all means, check in with them but don't allow them to ruin your trip. You can't change their behavior but you can change how you react to them.

Thanks for your input. My trip is still on. The middle of Lviv in western Ukraine is 1,487 miles from the middle of Madrid. The middle of Moscow is 2,136 miles from the middle of Madrid.... Seville is 2,371 miles from Moscow... I am a librarian. I know that I do thorough research on the approximate safety and conditions of places before I travel. In theory if I plan a trip to a safe looking country and then a war starts in the country just before my trip, I would not take the trip or at least I would delay it until conditions improve. Yeah I have the repeated experiences of telling my mother about travel plans, she freaks out, and then I come on Rick Steves travel forum to perhaps reassure myself that I could still be a smart person and that not everybody thinks and reacts like my mom.

You will be fine. Go. Your family will be OK, and if they have any issues, they will get over them when you get back. Be kind to your family, but don't let them rule your life.

Spain will be beautiful. Enjoy your trip and when you get back, tell us all how much you enjoyed it.

My plans have me in Estonia and Finland in early May. Both border Russia. And unless Putin invades either of those two countries, I'm going.

Will I have alternate plans just in case? Of course. Will I register with the State Department so if there are concerns about Americans in either of those two countries, they send out emails. Yes.

But I'm going. People I've told, not world travelers, think I'm crazy. That's fine. But it's my life and my decision

And you need to live YOUR life.

My plans have me in Estonia and Finland in early May. Both border Russia. And unless Putin invades either of those two countries, I'm going.

Frank II - Just bring some Stingers and Javelins to leave with your hosts, they are always appreciated. Just think how light your luggage will be on the way home. 😎

Honduras, the “murder capital of the world” is 2,200 miles from San Diego, CA. Yet thousands of tourists travel to San Diego each year, despite this risk. This imminent threat of danger.

Sounds ridiculous, right?

Madrid is approximately the same distance from Kyiv. What is happening in Ukraine is not happening in Spain.

Frankly, your mother will never be pleased with you traveling. She is not rational. She is very experienced at conjuring threats in her mind that don’t exist. Every possible fear she has manifests when she thinks about you traveling. Her issues have nothing to do with travel. They have to do with her own fears and control issues. You have demonstrated your abilities to be an adult. She cannot accept this. The relationship is toxic.

Get on with your life. Take all reasonable steps to travel safely if it brings you happiness. Don’t let her fears poison your joy.

I stopped asking my parents’ permission to do things when I joined the military at age 18. I’d ask them for advice on life events matters when necessary, but made my own decision. As others have said, you’re an adult. Take the trip.

Hi Mike;
I feel very compassionate towards you. Your mom is very much like my Mom, and I am 52 years old! I am not hear to criticize you. Let me tell you a story.

My husband I were set to head to our FIRST trip to Europe in the middle of September, 2001. ( My life long dream!) We were supposed to fly out on September 17. At the last minute, the airline officials opened the the airport in San Francisco and we could go! My mom FREAKED out! “The terrorists are going to kill you! Please don’t Go!! I need you…” I listened to her calmly, and then I said, “Mom, if I don’t go, the terrorists have won. I will not let them win”

We had the most amazing trip.

So tell your mom, and Anyone else who questions your trip to go to Spain, “If I don’t go, Putin wins! I can’t let the bully win!”

I leave in 3 weeks for a dream trip with my 17 year old goddaughter all through Italy ( her dream trip). My Mom is STILL begging me to not go….

Just remember what I said and DONT let the terrorists and Bully’s win!

Have a wonderful Trip… God Bless You.

Have fun!!!
Tricia

Philip Larkin said it best https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse

He was a librarian.

Hi Mike, your mom sounds like my Mother-in-law. She wouldn’t let my husband learn to drive because he might be in an accident. I taught him after we got married, he was 24. When we would visit his parents in Croatia, she wouldn’t give us a key to the apt because she was afraid we would lose it, so we had to be home early cause she had to wait up for us before she could go to sleep. If we wanted to eat out, with friends or alone, she would insist we eat at home because we were wasting our money. Never mind our traveling. His parents moved back and forth (for my FIL’s job, he was a NY Representative) and my husband called his mother everyday when they were here. Only weekly when they were in Croatia. Anyway, I know what you are feeling and going through, even though my MIL was more subtle. But the difference is you have to face her alone, my husband had me to fall back on. Oh, and his dad never said a word, he was too weary. Go to Spain and have fun. We are going in September. I look forward to reading your trip report.

Mike, I am going to Spain a month after you to walk the Camino for 38 days, but wish I was there earlier so you could tell your mom you were going to meet Ms. Jo and that everything was going to be ok then.
(tell her old ladies (and men) walk 800 km across Spain by themselves and see what she thinks)

I hope you keep traveling and having wonderful experiences. You will love Spain. Please write a trip report for us.

Mike, FWIW, I'm your age. Go on your trip. Have a wonderful time. We will be going to Spain in April. Maybe next time, tell your parents you are going on vacation but not give them any specifics. And that you'll report in and share pictures of the wonderful time you had when you return. You are not responsible for your mom's fears and IMO you shouldn't let her fears hold you back from living your life. That is not fair to you. You only get one spin around this thing called life so try to make the most of it while you can. Happy travels and I hope you have an amazing time!! :)

Have a great time on your trip. Let your parents know that you love them and will connect with them when you return. Don’t commit to calling, texting or sending updates and photos. Doing so may make it more difficult for them as they await your correspondence. Keeping in touch feeds the dependence. Over time it might get easier for them. With future planning save everyone the anxiety by not announcing anything until days before departure or not at all if possible. It’s not being disrespectful but rather understanding of the affect that some things have on them. I learned this from experience and it has worked incredibly well for all parties.

I’m almost 50 and my mom still does this probably because I’m single. She’s even roped my sister into calling me and trying to guilt me into not going. You are an adult so do not lie. Simply say that you understand her concerns but are still going. We came to a compromise where I FaceTimed my parents every day at a certain time. I could tell about my adventures and they could see I wasn’t dead. Lol. Sometimes I’d even send a photo of me somewhere famous or eating a good meal.

Enjoy and just know that moms worry about their child no matter how old. Have fun I’m Spain and the tapas!

I started going to Codependency meetings and also reading "The Everything Guide to Codependency."

I wanted to have a healthier relationship with myself and family. It was a tremendous learning experience. You can do it too.

Have a great trip in Spain.

Hi. I am your age or so. My parents do not have such phobias but they have other issues and expectations from me.

Please do this trip for YOUR sake and sanity. Please do not let your parents control and manipulate you (sorry if this sounds harsh but I genuinely understand, from personal experience, what it is to be in your situation).

I understand your parents’ concerns for their son. But Spain is so far away from Ukraine, if the war gets to Spain, we here in the US better start preparing for end of the world. I wouldn’t worry (for the matter. I will be there end of March!).

Your parents will come around. It will take time. They may learn to deal with you not listening to them (maybe they still see you as a kid). Or maybe they will not. It may be a hard pill to swallow for us (not getting their approval, making them feel bad) but we have to follow our highest excitement to make a difference in this life, and feel truly satisfied. And stop living according to rules and expectations set by others.

I feel you should not lie, let them swallow the bitter pill (that their son is grown up,
makes his own money and decisions and follows his interests). Let me be unhappy with you and allow them the time to process these emotions in them. It will be uncomfortable for you. But it will be healing for all of you in the long run

Hi all, I've removed a few posts, and likely should be removing a few more. I wish to say that no matter what someone shares here, it's important to maintain politeness. We're all trying to help, but sometimes being direct in a forum where we don't know each other (beyond what we see here) comes across as being rude. Please be aware of this and be unfailingly polite, as this is when we are most receptive to others' advice.

Thanks everyone!

Mike, you are an adult - do what you think is right for you. Give yourself permission to live YOUR life.

I had to chuckle when you wondered if you should go to Tennessee instead. We do not want to discourage you from visiting, but we have had many more serious tornadoes (touchdowns and serious warnings/alerts of rotations) nowadays, and you could always get killed on the interstate from an accident or from random gunfire (we do have gawd-awful "loose" gun laws). And, our covid vaccination rate is not the best in the nation. This evening's national news showed the CDC's updated map with many areas in the green (excellent low case numbers), but TN was still showing as red/yellow. Other than that, it is a lovely, welcoming place.

I wish I knew the name of the book (being a librarian, you could probably find it), but a friend told me about it several years ago. It is a book of advice for parents of adults. The advice for parents boils down to "keep your door open and your mouth shut." Maybe ... not now .. but sometime, just leave a copy at your mom's with no note/no comment. Let the book speak for itself.

It likely would not work, but maybe a "Mom, I love you, but you are seriously driving me away! Maybe I should just not tell you of my plans in the future. Would that be better?" But, I would guess then she would be constantly asking what you might be planning/hiding from her. I do agree with the poster who suggested shortening the advance notice timeframe to a week or so prior to your trip.........otherwise it just drags out the mental anguish (for you).

Give yourself permission. Your decision is the only one that matters. You have obviously come home unharmed and in one piece from your previous overseas travels.

LOL, that was the best post ever. Back in the 1970's I needed my parents to sign a permission slip so I could get certified to SCUBA dive, that was a total nightmare, they said it was way too dangerous. I explained all I ever wanted to do since 2nd grade was to dive. Eventually my Dad signed. Then in the 1980's I told my parents I was going to Fiji, my Dad thru a fit "there was a coup there a couple of year ago, don't go." In the 1990's I told my parents I was going to Italy..."too many pickpockets don't go and don't forget there were terrorists at the airport (back in the 70's I think)." I guess it is their job, sort of on the lines of Scared Stright but void of what makes travelers tick AND a total buzz kill. Enjoy your trip. J

Dear Mike, Have a wonderful trip. Spain is a great place to visit. The people are welcoming, the food may be the best in Europe, and there is so much history and art to see and appreciate.

Go. Enjoy. And come back to tell us about your great time.

Buen viaje.

Mike, did you make it over to Spain? Are you having fun, enjoying the sun and the lovely scenery of Spain and the great food? Please let us know how you are doing.

What happened to Mike?

He put up a trip report https://community.ricksteves.com/travel-forum/trip-reports/andalucia-madrid-and-toledo-march-2022

Thanks, roubrat.

Mike,
Looks like you got a lot of good advice, and I hope you had a great trip. My wife and I leave for Madrid in 3 weeks and sometimes get questions and concerns from people regarding our safety. I remind them that I could be unsafe at a Las Vegas outdoor concert or an El Paso Walmart. I agree with the "Happy Travels" philosophy over the "Safe Travels" thoughts.

Hope you had fun and Happy Travels,
Scott