Last-minute Advice for Mother/Adult Daughter

Jean, I have no actual advice, as while I have traveled with my adult kids several times (to Germany and Switzerland, not Italy), they are sons, not daughters. And I suspect the relationship dynamics are very different! We also have traveled with my husband’s adult daughters—-including to Italy for Venice, Dolomites, and Rome. But we mostly book apartments, so there is lots of space for privacy when needed. It has always been great.

I just want to wish you the best—-I hope you have a wonderful time sharing “Italy time” with your daughter.

What a wonderful trip for you two! Several years ago, my mom and I went to Madrid and Dublin. She was in her 70’s and I in my 50’s. I recommend being open to some “alone time” for each of you as you progress through your trip, maybe to do something that the other isn’t interested in. Perhaps just an afternoon or two during the 2 week vacation. That worked for us. Pace yourselves and take time to relax. Have a wonderful and safe trip!

One word: flexibility

Weather, unexpected closures, transport issues….

Have a general outline but be willing to change if necessary.

Lastly, don’t burden yourself with thinking you have to make everything perfect. Nothing is perfect.

Above all relax!

My advice is based on my travels with other adult family members, as well as our teenagers:

Coordinate how you are going to “get ready”. Maybe one of you will prefer to shower at night, making the mornings a little easier. Pack in such a way that as much of your morning routine as possible can be done outside of the bathroom so you’re not tripping over each other at the sink. For example, do your hair/makeup elsewhere while the other person is in the bathroom.

I like your idea of heading out early if she’s not an early bird.

Talk honestly about your travel styles and expectations. If her idea of vacation is sleeping in until 10 and you’re an early bird, talk through that in advance and figure out if there are days when you really need to be on the go early.

A few days into the trip, do a check in with each other. How’s everything working? How’s the pace? Should you schedule afternoon breaks back at the hotel for a catnap or dip in the pool? Is she sick of churches, museums, etc? Would a day to “do nothing” or explore on your own be appreciated?

Ask her if she has any must-do or must-see items. You might be surprised. I once traveled with a friend on her first trip to Europe. She wanted to talk to a cop about their job (my friend was a former cop). And she wanted to chat with locals in a pub.

I agree with Claudia. Flexibility and a loose itinerary.

I've traveled to Europe with my children twice. Once with my "boys" when they were 22 and 20, another time with my "girls" when they were 20. I carefully planned each trip. The few difficulties we had were with meals. No surprise, this age group gets hungry! Plus, I have one daughter that is vegetarian.

My children have always been quite mature and socially astute. That said, your 42 year old, will be even more so. I would guess that any difficulties you have with "dynamics" will be minor.

Now, 5-10 years later, the kids and I talk frequently about our trips. We had a wonderful time and we created memories. I really wanted to expose all four "kids" to history, culture, food, etc., but I was very mindful that THE most important thing was to make memories. Take time to enjoy each other and for a cocktail/wine/coffee on the piazza.

Hi Jean,

I am taking my Mother and sister to Italy next month and I have some of the same thoughts as you. My mom has never been out of the US and my sister and I took a quick trip to Italy last year for her first trip out of the country. I am a very experienced traveler. I’ve let them both know that we should all plan to carry one one bag which I think is so important, especially with the lost luggage epidemic in Europe right now. I’ve booked all Airbnb’s with washers and dryers so laundry won’t be a problem. I’ve also had them download the walking tours for all of the locations where we are going, download books and things to do on the train, call the banks and credit card companies for travel alerts, download the Coffeebreak app to learn basic Italian phrases, look at which cell phone/esim/data plan works best and sign up for it now, call their Dr now for an early refill on Rx so that they have a week or two extra with them, watch movies/shows/documentaries/RS shows to familiarize themselves with the locations we will be visiting, and lastly just to adopt the mindset that not everything will go as planned. Sometimes those are the most memorable experiences, but they can also be upsetting and frustrating. It’s all part of travel though and if you are prepared to be flexible as others have said, then it’s enjoyable to roll with the travel punches.

Enjoy your special time with your daughter. I know that our trip is going to possibly be the only time that we will be able to do this and I’m so grateful for the opportunity to show them a country that I adore.

I / we travelled in France with my widowed 79 year old mother, 1 year after my father died. She had never been there as my Father didn’t want to go the France for some reason. We didn’t try to see all of France and wanted to see new areas for us so in 3 weeks, we lightly covered Paris, Canal du Midi by Udrive boat to Carcassone, and the Rhone valley via Udrive car. She was up for anything that we suggested and she claimed later that she had lost 20 pounds with all the walking that we did but she never complained and was ready to go anywhere we suggested for future trips.
The biggest thing is to discuss activities with your daughter during the trip so you can adjust your plans. It maybe a little late but keep time in your day to rest or spend more time in a museum or art gallery. You or she might also what some alone time. Keep time to sit in a cafe and just watch the world go past. Don’t try to see everything in Italy in 2 weeks. My wife and I have been to Italy 3 times and this October will be the first time in Rome.
This maybe a little late, but get her to watch a couple of YouTube videos to learn some very basic Italian: Please, Thanks, Good Morning, numbers from 1 to 10 and by 10’s to 100 etc. I hope that you have discussed overall objectives: how many museums, art galleries, cathedrals, shopping (little or a lot), walking per day and importance of food (3 star Michelin or typical restaurants, avoiding McD or KFC).
Definitely would be a good idea to get up early as some major tourist attractions get very busy but you can have a siesta (sorry wrong country) in the afternoon before heading out for evening meal and watching the locals come out, especially if you’re staying downtown.
Relax and enjoy.

Thank you so much for your advice and kind words! This will be my 7th trip to Italy - always ready to head back there. Traveling with my daughter will be like seeing some of it for the first time again. : )

I love this question! I'm 30 and my Mom is my travel adventure buddy so we've been to all sorts of places together. We just returned from England in April, will be heading to Ireland in September and are hoping for Italy next Spring.

If you're not used to spending this much time together non-stop the #1 thing is communication.

Understand her goals, her dreams for this trip and explain yours. Have a plan for each day but ve flexible. Recognize when one of you is at their limit, whether that's walking/hunger/exhaustion/heat/crowds etc and be ready to takeover should that happen and vice versa for you.

Take time to soak it all in. While my Mom and I have been very blessed to share so many adventures together, we recognize that one day it won't be as easy to do and eventually it will end entirely so we savour every moment, every experience. That is probably my biggest piece of advice; time together is short, so focus on the memories and let all of the little things fade into the background.

I hope you have a wonderfully special time together ❤

PQ

PQ - I love everything you said. You are spot on. I have been so fortunate to have traveled with both my mom and my daughter, one time both of them together on a 3-week tour of Italy. We didn’t give much thought to managing dynamics but in looking back, we should have approached a few things differently.

1. Definitely be aware of physical constraints and don’t be afraid to voice concerns if the pace is too much.
2. If you are staying in the same room, give each other time/space to be alone to care for personal needs.
3. Realize that travel in general can be stressful and approach each other with grace and forgiveness.
4. It’s okay to take a meal or two alone.
5. Treat it as though it could be your last trip together. We took for granted our health, never imagined the world would shut down over a pandemic, and life in general takes unexpected turns, such as job changes, relationship, relocations.
6. Treasure the memories you are making and take lots of selfies.

Claudia and Amy had good points to which I add:
1) as you already probably know, don't cram to much into each day
2) don't try to see/do everything during the trip
3) plan a down day in the middle to do whatever comes to mind
4) have fun (your attitude adds to the trip experience)
5) if you come across mishaps, see 4 above

Jean, I agree with all the above advice. I’m assuming she had some input into the itinerary and planning? I hope so, as then she will feel some ownership of the trip.
We took our 2 girls to Europe for a month when they were 11 and 14. We haven’t taken them since. After my youngest said “Not another castle (with a big sigh). No worries, I tell them they are on a travel break till they are a bit older.

I hope you and your daughter have a marvelous time and make lots of memories.

Diveloonie, yes, I wanted this to be her choice of the country. After she chose Italy, I listened to her top choices and then came up with about six different itineraries and let her pick which one she liked the best. (I’ve been to Italy six times.). My only input was that we needed to go to at least one less-touristy location, so we will be in Ferrara for two nights.

Activities have been her choices after I provided lots of options. I really am okay doing anything that sounded appealing to her.

I traveled with my son last May and the biggest surprise to me was that I really had to slow down my usual travel pace. I sometimes forget that I can be like the energizer bunny when traveling and just keep going. I learned to slow down or he just wasn't going to enjoy himself.

I would keep an eye out for pacing issues. It seems a little opposite of what one would think, that the person that was 24 years younger would have trouble keeping up, but that could happen.

Hi Jean,

I’m so happy for you!
You’ve received great advice here!

I’m fortunate to have traveled with my mom, and with my daughter, on separate mother daughter trips.

You and your daughter know each other best.
You know each other’s interests, likes, dislikes, little quirks, etc, etc… So, it’s important to compromise and make the best of every experience.

As someone else said; sometimes the best memories happen from unplanned experiences.

As an example, on my last mother daughter trip (Portugal 2019) we became ill, and all our plans went out the window.
We stayed put in our tiny apartment and just relaxed, watched movies, talked, read, and watched the world go by from our 3rd story balcony.

Once we felt better, we went shopping, something I seldom do while traveling, and had such fun getting new clothes for my daughter, and shoes for me.

One more thing. Since you’re the experienced traveler, she may just follow your lead, but keep on eye out for nonverbal cues, and talk about her expectations and wishes.

BTW, what’s your itinerary?

Wishing you a most wonderful time in beautiful Italy!
And… Looking forward to reading your trip report!

Ciao Bella!

Priscilla

Edited to correct.
Ha! Nonverbal “cues”, not clues!

( English is my second language and I’m still always learning, ha, ha! )

Hi Priscilla! Thanks for the reminder to watch for the nonverbal cues - good advice! I know you have many great memories of your travel with your mom & daughter. I always enjoyed your trip reports!

Here’s our itinerary:
Venice
Ferrara & day trip to Ravenna
Florence
Salerno & day trip to Paestum
Amalfi
Rome

Jean,

What a great itinerary!
You and you daughter will have a great trip!

Eat lots of gelato for me!

Are you sharing hotel rooms or do you have separate rooms?

When you both enter a museum, are you going to keep track of each other the whole time, or are you going to agree to separate or avoid keeping track of each other and then agree to meet up somewhere at a certain time? Before the pandemic when me and my parents used to sometimes go to places in the metro Detroit area or near relatives, I we assumed we had to keep close track of each other. Then I contacted a set of 2nd cousins who live in Maryland and went to Washington D.C. and saw them and their parents, in 2019 (these 2nd cousins were born in 1977-1986); their assumption was, at museums, quit keeping track of each other and meet again at the entrance. I am about 3 years younger than your daughter. I like these 2nd cousins 'separate and meet again at the entrance plan' better than my close family's assumption of having to keep track of each other every minute.

Is who pays for food or sites already agreed on? My guess is you are paying for everything because my mother always paid when me and my parents went places even after I was legally an adult and earned my own money. We reading this wouldn't know.

Will there be arguments about where to eat or what to see? My guess is no but we readers don't have any way to know.

Hi Mike L, thank you for these thoughtful considerations!

I asked her about having a couple of separate hotel rooms, but she wanted to just have us share a room the whole time. I did book a two-room suite at the palazzo in Salerno to give us each a little space mid-way through the trip. And two bathrooms will be helpful to hang a few items in the bathrooms to dry. I will take a walk in the morning - I enjoy a city when it is just waking up which will give her some privacy to get ready or call her husband.

That’s a good question about museums. When my husband & I travel together, we usually roam a bit and then catch up every three rooms or so. We will be going through the Uffizi. Since I have been there, previously, I planned to just move at the rate she would like….but then I do love the Italian art, so maybe she will be waiting for me!

For the trip, I agreed to pay for the hotel rooms, and we are each paying for our transportation, activities and meals. (We talked & agreed.) I thought we could use the Splitwise app for keeping general track, but I am fine splitting all meals in half, even if we’re having different priced items. Typically she is used to having me default to paying for most of the meals when we go out; I thought this would be a nice transition to traveling as co-traveler adults as she does with her friends. I know expenses can become an issue, so I’ll be flexible if it happens to become a bit one-sided.

She is really looking forward to eating real Italian food in Italy! I told her about a couple of places in Venice, and we have a pasta class in Florence & a food tour in Rome. Otherwise, we’re both pretty relaxed about just finding a restaurant that looks or smells promising.

AMann, thank you for sharing how your trip went with your daughter. I’m sure we will have some minor dynamics that I didn’t even consider ahead of time. Usually a little space & a gelato cures most of those with my husband & me!

When I travel solo, I post a few photos each day on Facebook, along with a short commentary that’s of interest to my friends. I posted this morning that I would be back in Italy again, but I am giving my daughter the chance to post photos & share experiences; I won’t post this time. I thought it is very important to allow her the chance to share and especially to not be competing for updates, if that makes sense.

Interesting about sharing costs. When my wife and I travelled with my mother, I would keep track of costs and split meals and travel costs 3 ways (except her airfare as we recommended that she travel business class for more comfort) but often we booked a room for her and one for us, so she paid full costs for her room. I gave her an accounting with a computer printout and she paid with thanks for organizing the trip. She pinned the printout on her notice board in her home so that my 4 siblings saw that she wasn’t paying our costs as she tried to treat all of us equitably.
We haven’t taken any big holidays with our 3 adult children and 3 grandchildren so haven’t had to deal with this cost sharing aspect.

Jean, I am so happy that you will be introducing your daughter to Italy!
My daughter and I have travelled to Europe and other places together several times, but the first time was when she was 16, so definitely a different parent/daughter dynamic. We are lucky that we have similar styles/interests when we travel.

Lots of great advice above, but one thing that I haven't seen mentioned is that I am assuming your daughter is used to being on vacation from work when she travels. Which for those of us in the Pacific Northwest often means, The Lake, The Coast, Hiking, or maybe Hawaii. All of which involves lots of hanging out, nature, down time.

Europe is a totally different beast. We have a bit of sensory overload with the museums, architecture, people --- lots to pay attention to so we don't get run over crossing the street.

So, she might want to linger over lunch or afternoon drinks. She may want to shop at tacky souvenir stands or fancy clothing stores. These are the things that we tend to do when on vacation in the States. By the way, smart to add a slower paced city to the itinerary.

My point is that although we can be very in tune with our friends when it comes to going out to dinner or the symphony, they might make awkward travel friends because they want to linger over a beer in a pub and we want to go to the museum and linger over the Michelangelo sculpture! It was super interesting to me to learn which art 'spoke' to my daughter. I think the wandering alone part in museums is good, but then you'd miss out on that.

Food is of course a great reason all by itself to visit Italy. I have a fun story from our first trip together when my daughter was 16. She is not a picky eater, so that's not the reason, but she ordered the same pizza 3 nights in a row in Arles because it was the best thing she'd ever eaten! So, it will also be fun for you to see what your daughter thinks she'd like to order more than once (I recommend the Carbonara)

So, lots of grace. And as others have mentioned, look for the clues. It will be fun for you to learn what she falls in love with over there! I hope you two have a blast and make some wonderful memories.

I really appreciate each of your comments, and they’re helpful to consider some perspectives I hadn’t considered.

I haven’t decided, yet, whether to write a trip report on this one, but if so, I’ll try to add some comments around some of these trip dynamics to be helpful to others traveling with their adult children.

I haven’t decided, yet, whether to write a trip report on this one, but if so, I’ll try to add some comments around some of these trip dynamics to be helpful to others traveling with their adult children.

I truly enjoy reading your trip reports, so hope you do decide to report back!

Honestly, I don’t think you need to write about your trip dynamics (unless you want to and feel it would be helpful to others)
I mainly enjoy reading about your experiences about the places you visited.
Transportation information, restaurant and accommodation recommendation are always nice too. And… Favorite gelaterias!

Buon viaggio!

Another huge fan of your trip reports! ;) Looking at your itinerary I am so excited for you and your daughter. The two places I have not visited are Ferrara & Ravenna. Paestum was one of my favorite archaeological sites, ever. Absolutely awe inspiring. Hope you will share your experiences. Enjoy it all!