Balancing multiple generations/expectations

I think Rome has more to offer than Florence so I would do 4 days in Florence and 5 in Rome. Since there are many churches and museums we decided to limit them to 2 churches and 2 museums max per city. This allowed us time to see other sites (Pompeii, Ostia Antica) at a leisurely pace. If you try to see it all you will remember little. You also have the Vatican with its church and museum. Rick Steves likes Siena as a day trip from Florence. Get RS Italy book and research what appeals to everyone. You can alternate the days you split up with the days you see things together. The bigger the group the slower it moves. Have fun!

Although Rome is bigger than Florence, however your allocation of nights may be correct if you plan to take advantage of Florence as a base to visit other Tuscan towns (Siena, Pistoia, Arezzo, San Gimignano, Lucca & Pisa, are all within 1 hr from Florence). Florence itself deserves a couple of days, since 5 nights is 4 full days plus the half a day when you arrive, you can take at least 2 day trips.
Rome with 4 nights, gives you 3 full days plus 1/2 day on the arrival day. That time can be devoted fully to Rome. However if the city Rome doesn't spark your interest much to spend 3.5 days, there is still the possibility of a day trip to Orvieto or Ostia Antica.

Nestor - Ha! My coffee table is littered with guidebooks. I have a serious travel book addiction. I admit that I did not love Rome last I went so I am a less than enthusiastic planner of that portion. My fellow travelers are being rather passive about what they would like to see. I am getting quite a bit of 'you've been there before, so whatever.' We gave them books to look at in hopes that we would get feedback, but I think that since the trip still seems so far our (June 2018) that no one cares...except me, the designated planner and travel guide!

Roberto - Yes, I prefer Florence to Rome and plan to do a side trip or two from Florence. When I went before (8 weeks) I saw Pisa, Siena, Fiesole, and Assisi. I am feeling a bit selfish and want to go to Bologna for a day, but I think others would enjoy Siena more. I also think the kids would like to see the Leaning Tower simply because they have seen the pictures.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is not a one time deal for myself even if it may be for others.

I think the key is clear and open communication. Ask them what their expectations are exactly and try to get them engaged in planning some sights they'd really rally around. The biggest impediment I see is that you're dealing with passive as opposed to enthusiastic contributors to the trip...if you can turn them into the latter, then bingo! At least try to get them to watch some of Rick's shows on travel skills...being abroad for the first time ever may be a bit of an eye opener for many folks, and it doesn't hurt to hone some basic travel skills and cultural expectations beforehand.

Perhaps have the in-laws look at what an RS tour itinerary covers in the areas you are going and ask what interests them.
Maybe having it focused a bit, rather than an overwhelming 'table full of books' will make it easier for them to make some choices.

Sometimes its easier to choose from 3-4 choices, than 10-15. A decision comes quicker when the choices are "chocolate, strawberry or vanilla", vs. 31 flavors to pick from.

Alili,

Some things you need to narrow down.

Are the IL interested in art?

Are they lets "see" or will they actually want to visit the sites.

Limit the sites to 1 major site and 1 minor per day then visit a church inbetween the two

Allow plenty of time for lunch, a mid day cafe, dinner and an evening stroll with gelato.

I have a friend that I took last year, who also was non committal and ended up being a "see" person. Drove me NUTS. Moral, if you know in advance you'll be able to plan better.

Get each person to list their most desired experiences and use those to plan your itinerary. If your inlaws feel the need to have you with them much of the time(understandably), you or your husband can do some things with the kids while the other one of you helps the parents. You should make sure they have a card with the hotel address with them at all time to give to cab drivers. If your hotel is centrally located in Florence, you could walk them to a museum and go back to get them in a few hours. Some hotels are really close to Duomo and they could go there on their own. Or depending on their budget, maybe a local guide could meet them at the hotel. Also, go to Bologna on your own and let your husband take the rest of the group to Sienna. You will have some really precious memories from this trip-says one who has been there, done that!

Alili

I just had a similar trip to Rome with others who were pretty passive about what we did there, and wanted me to plan things out, but not tooo much. It all worked out as, in the end, they were pretty self-sufficient. I had planned only two tours over a week's time, which seemed to be just about right -- one of the Coliseum/Forum and a walking tour of Testaccio. We spent one morning hitting some of the other highlights -- the Pantheon, Trevi fountain, Spanish steps and campo dei fiori. The remainder of the week, I let them know what I was going to be doing, and they were welcome to come along. Sometimes they did, and sometimes they found other things they were interested in doing.

Nevertheless, it would be great to get some information from your in laws. Do they like art? If so, maybe a visit to the Borghese gallery (while you and the kids explore the park). Do they want to see the Vatican? If not, that frees up lots of time for other things. Sounds like they are foodies -- would they enjoy a walking tour of Testaccio and Trastevere, or of another part of Rome? I imagine the kids will like the Coliseum and the gelato -- also, my children liked the Castel San Angelo and the capuchin monk crypt.

Good luck in reaching a happy balance!

DD

Thank you all for your suggestions. I admit that I am feeling a bit frazzled and more than a little selfish, as I want this to be 'our' trip, 'their' trip and 'MY' trip.

Agnes - good point about drumming up enthusiasm. Rome is getting more excitement from them because they are more familiar with the history. The hope is to see the 4 main papal basilicas, all other churches are bonus in Rome.
Joe - excellent point about too many choices causing an issue. To clarify, we gave them the RS pocket guides. I am the sole hoarder of travel books. :-)
Gerri - great suggestions. I think one of them picks churches and the other one...is unsure. Art falls into the category of 'we are here so we should see it' which in my opinion is not a good enough reason to slog through museums.
Cala - You are right, I could side trip by myself and may do just that. My husband is wonderful about knowing when to send me out the door, so I may not do Bologna alone I will likely be climbing the Duomo alone which suits me just fine.
DD - thank you so much for the suggestions. The kids are my other challenge. I do not expect them to be full of energy and loving every minute of Italy, but I do hope they have some fun. I intend to take them to the zoo (by Borghese) while the rest of the group goes through the Vatican Museum.

I went with my mom and my daughters, 15 and 12, to London and Paris. I often felt like a border collie, herding them around. And it wasn't my trip. (Hah-three years later I went to Paris alone!) So take a deep breath and let go of the idea of having it the way you want it.

What will probably be more meaningful to everyone is the small moments that you can't plan. But you can nudge them a bit. A daily contest of who has the best gelato flavor. Shopping in markets and seeing how others buy food is fun even for kids.

Ask your in-laws what they picture themselves doing in Italy. Now, if it's a motorbike ride like Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck, you've got a problem. Most people will think about art, monuments, etc, but they'll also be drawn to strolling around and sitting in cafes or parks. Listen to what they tell you, and make sure they get to do some of that. Then let the rest happen.

Someone, or everyone, will have a breakdown or two.

Everyone, including kids, should be allowed to negotiate. You all should be able to say what is important, what you will do willingly if not enthusiastically, and what you dislike. Definitely split up your group at times. Have a plan on who will take the kids out of a museum. But sometimes the kids will have to suck it up.

On that first trip with my girls, I taught them how to travel, how to pack, to keep track of their stuff, to avoid danger, and to not be afraid of new things. Last fall we went back to Paris. They're in their 20's and they went all over the place, with a sense of fun and confidence.

The location of your hotel or apartment will be key to the following advice; be sure to book something very central in both cities. I would plan to schedule the daily itinerary where you all go together to something in the mornings. Then have some options listed that they could see in the afternoon that are close to your accommodations - a map with items marked could be helpful. Then plan to meet up in the evenings again for dinner or evening stroll. I would even plan ahead with everyone that you won't be eating all of your evening meals together "to allow them some romantic dinners". This would give all of you some time together and also give you the time alone that each of you needs to have a more enjoyable time, plus allow you time for your wishes.

Since this is their only trip to Italy, they should really see something beyond the big cities. A day trip to Siena (or similar) from Florence would be nice. You might even want to book them on a one-day tour to one of those locations to go with a small group.

From your post, it sounds like everyone is open to your suggestions, so it's your opportunity to spin this positive for everyone. My hubby & I enjoy booking a separate activity during one day of our trip so we're each off doing something that appeals to us as individuals - provides great conversation over dinner at the end of that day.

How about while the seniors are checking out the duomo the kids are climbing the bell tower? This model would work in other locations. Maybe the seniors are a little nervous about "getting lost" if you separate

Sounds like you've done a lot of prepping and have received some excellent advice in this thread. The only thing that I would address is a problem which may not exist in your family group but usually haunts our large adventures.

Everyone (at least the adults) tries to be polite. 'Oh, no, I'm happy to see whatever YOU want to see.' And then after we don't go see something, it's 'Oh, but that was the ONE thing I wanted to see.'

-heavy sigh-

So now we ask everyone - what is the ONE thing you will be disappointed if you don't get to see it? It may be something as simple as eating gelato or seeing a specific statue, etc. But we make everyone answer that question now. It has made life SO much easier. ;-)

Hope you have wonderful adventures!

That's a great tip from aquamarine. I've run into the same issue - only after it's too late does the person say "I really wanted to do XXX," and of course, if they had told me, I could have made it happen.

There were multiple threads on this topic in the past. It may be worth searching those. From what I read I concluded a) most 'personal trip planners' do this ONCE in their lives and never forget it and b) I'm glad I travel on my own.

You have some good suggestions in this thread. You might want to give the ILs the responsibility for planning one of the days. You pick the days and give them the general itinerary for the other days to avoid overlapping activities. If making the actual arrangements is not in their wheelhouse, you can do that. This way they will have required reading of "all" the choices and may better understand you dilemma, which I hope you've shared.

If I were in the IL's position, I might be happy just doing whatever I am doing with my grandkids.

If I were in your position, I might give the duty of talking to the ILs first to their son.

Thank you all SO very much for your thoughtful responses. I apologize for the blanket response rather than thanking you each individually. I've printed out the thread to read and re-read in the coming weeks and months. Thankfully we don't need to schedule our days quite yet, but we have our flights and lodging lined up and that is a load off of my mind. I will work on letting go of my own expectations of planning the PERFECT trip for everyone at all times. Many, many thanks fellow travelers.

Another poster opened a thread called " day tours from florence" you might look at for ideas.....esp if yr children might consider riding the train to (ie) pisa a part of the adventure

Get each one of them to sign what attorneys call a "release" that says something like "I was given the opportunity to help with the planning of this trip, but have declined. For that reason, I agree not to whine or mope about anything during or after the trip." (^_^)