Soccer tickets in London in September

Premiership tickets are difficult to get hold of, plus the dates and timings maybe changed to fit the tv schedules. The match could be anywhere from Friday to Monday.

Tickets should be bought direct from the club and it is easier if you are a member, but even that doesn't guarantee that you will get tickets. Chelsea and Arsenal tickets are very difficult to get.

I would opt for a Championship match rather than Premiership match, as tickets will be more readily available and the scheduling won't be moved.

Games that weekend are Palace v Soton, Spurs v Swansea (5.30 kickoff), and Chelsea v Arsenal. Forget games 1 and 3, you won't get tix for those, but Spurs are playing at Wembley this season which gives them additional capacity. Try their official website for tickets.

As Jennifer has pointed out, tickets for Premiership games are difficult to get hold of. Most will be sold to season ticket holders and then for corporate use. Your best option would be the Spurs vs Swansea game as this will be held at Wembley stadium and therefore has bigger capacity. If not I'd opt for a Championship game (this would be my preferred option anyway). If opting for a Premiership game expect to pay around £100 for a ticket.

They aren't using the full capacity at Wembley as the top tier is not being sold for the majority of matches to keep the crowd under 50,000 for licensing reasons with Brent Council. So there won't be as many 'extra' seats as first appears.

If you do decide to bite the bullet and go lower division, your options are:

Brentford v. Reading (may be difficult due to limited capacity, but not impossible)
Millwall v. Leeds (recommend avoiding this one. These teams have a history and it will likely result in violence)
Leyton Orient v. Hartlepool
Dagenham & Redbridge v. Halifax

There are a few options on the outskirts of London too e.g. Watford, Southend

Do not even think about getting them from any other than the authorised sources. All others are illegal sellers. Premier League grounds are regularly thronged with tourists holding fake tickets or no tickets at all when they have handed over cash. "The guy said he would meet me in a pub but...."

I have purchased tickets from scalpers outside Emirates and Stamford Bridge on multiple occasions without problem.
I have always insisted they show me the ticket before handing over money. Sure there is a risk involved, but for me it was one I was willing to take.

You might be able to get scalped tickets but you're probably going to have to pay way over the odds for them. Remember it's a business for these people, so don't expect them to resell at face value.

Anyway, this might work for one or two people, but I'm not sure many scalpers will have tickets for four seats all next to each other.

I have purchased tickets from scalpers outside Emirates and Stamford Bridge on multiple occasions without problem.

Lucky you.

Any particular crimes I should be colluding in next time I am in your country?

Adultery is still a crime in New York State