As a life-long Seattle resident since 2007, I am well versed on the many fine attractions the Emerald City has to offer -- especially, how shall we say, the "wetter" ones. If you're anything like me, and if you are I apologize, you'll want to relax and just take a moment to drink in the city. And by that, I literally mean DRINK in the city. Seattle takes drinking seriously. For nine months of the year, we endure claustrophobic gray skies and the only thing standing between most of us and a brief stroll off the Colman ferry dock into the Salish Sea is booze.
"But Mike," you say, "I am currently sober; wherefor shall I cure this wretched condition?"
Glad you asked! Come, take my hand, and let us travel unsteadily to some of the many fine establishments that make life in Seattle tolerable for a few hours at a time:
Called "The Center of the Universe" by the Tourist Board and "The place to make bad life choices" by the locals, Fremont offers scores of fun attractions, all of which you'll want to walk quickly past on your way to BROUWER'S. Oh sure, there's other places to pull up a stool: Red Star Tacos offers a selection of tasty and cheap tacos and enough mezcal and tequila to qualify as a displaced Mexican state; Nectar is fun for a show and a dozen cheap tallboys of Rainier; Fremont Brewery is always packed full of people who don't understand that the IPA craze ended in 2016 -- there's plenty of locales to get stumbly in Fremont, but none of them are Brouwer's. Brouwer's likes good beer, and they like people who like good beer, and to that end they do not screw around. They bring the quality and you bring the cash. It's a fair exchange. A choice of 64 amazing brews awaits you and your delicious money. They specialize in Belgian beer and amazing Belgian food; the Manikin Pis is right inside their enormous front door. Settle into a booth, stare with awe and amazement at the beer list, then get to work. If you're "lucky", you'll arrive during the Hard Liver festival, a celebration of Barley Wine that leaves many a seasoned drinker whimpering in the corner. It's not for the weak of mild-tempered, but we in Seattle LIKE it that way. nb: according to Brouwer's website, "Feats of Strength" are forbidden, but I've never seen that rule actually enforced.
Labeled "Hip" and "Trendy" and other nausea-inducing things, Ballard is a little like a version of Fremont that's full of itself. Lots of places to eat, but the highlight of any visit to the 'lard is a stop in at Macleod's. What Brouwer's is to Belgium, Macleod's is to Scotland. By now, I'm sure you're tired of being weighed down by all that excess money you're carrying. Fret not, because Macleaod's is going to ease your burden. A wee dram here and a wee dram there and suddenly the three-figure bar bill won't seem so shocking. Cheaper than a flight to Aberdeen, at any rate.
This used to be the Gay Capital of Seattle, then people like me moved in and screwed it up for everyone. Atop twee Queen Anne Hill (QAH), you'll find the oddly-named How to Cook a Wolf, which would be more aptly named How To Empty Your Wallet. There's also the friendly pub called 'Hilltop Ale House', which you're going to walk directly passed to arrive at Oaxaca. Grab a seat in the back. Order the goat and the carne asada tacos. Make sure to get some chips and guac, too. Order a Mezcalrita. Order a mezcal flight. Order a few of their authentic Oaxacan cocktails. Order an Uber to get back to your hotel if you can still remember where it is. Better than going to Mexico because the worst thing that can happen to you on QAH is almost getting run over in the crosswalk by some techie driving an Audi Entitlement Wagon.
The Land That Parking Forgot. Seriously, don't even try to drive a car there.
BAHAHAHAAHAHAAH! Yeah, no chance.
And there you have it: a free tour of Seattle's finest booze-a-toriums. That'll be $20, please.