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How do I stop feeling guilty for traveling on my vacation from work?

I am a 39 (thirty nine) year old single man. I already have tickets to go to Los Angeles in December when my workplace will be closed. The company will be closed between Christmas and new years. Factoring in the fact that we don't work on weekends and that two weekdays will be paid holidays because both Christmas and New Years will be on weekends, I probably will only use up 3 paid vacation days. That leaves 7 paid vacation days left. I could get permission to take 3 extra unpaid days off. If I did that I would just lie and tell my parents that all my vacation days are paid time off. I am thinking of going to Mexico City and maybe Teotihuacan and possibly somewhere else outside Mexico City, in 2023 sometime before my paid vacation expires, maybe March.

But I could be persuaded to find a place in the USA to go to. My paid vacation time resets on my anniversary date which is in the 3rd week of June. Should I skip Mexico permanently, go but wait a year after Los Angeles, or find a "safer" destination??

I already feel quite guilty and/or stupid enough about going to Los Angeles. The top reason I think I feel so stupid about traveling on my time off work is because my mother is always so horrified at me for traveling. Maybe part of my brain thinks I should not travel because my travel causes my mom's anxiety about my travel. I logically know that I do rather thorough research and pick reasonably safe places. All people have hipocracies and contradictions. Another part of my brain thinks my guilt about travel is ridiculous or non-sensical. The ultra-maxium length I would travel for is 14 nights. I am not talking about doing something stupid like quitting work and traveling for a super long time like some people on youtube claim to have done.

At first glance it looks like I have enough money to afford it but when I convince my mom that I pick reasonably safe places, she switches to saying that "Michael, you can't afford to travel!", so I might feel guilty about the cost of a trip(s). I keep track of my bank accounts. I have no student loan payments, no car payments or other debts, no mortgage (I live on my own but I am renting). Without giving too much information, I usually am extremely careful with money. Travel is one of the few things I let myself spend money. Even when I travel I try to do it in a cheap way. For example, my last major trip to Spain was 13 nights on the ground, 1 night on the plane and cost me under approximately $2,800. I have 2 so far minimally funded retirement accounts + stocks that if I sold them would give me roughly 6 or more years of living expenses + other random piles of un-invested money in checking and savings accounts + my paycheck goes into one checking account and I set up transferring $300 from that into another checking account held by the investment bank that holds my stocks. Maybe by accident I am a genius at managing money. But still, part of my brain feels guilty for spending money on travel. My salary is not high, I just am good at hoarding money, not buying unnecessary stuff, avoiding debts, and so on. How can I justify spending money on a trip when I could buy more stocks or funds? Am I traveling too frequently? How do I give myself permission to travel or quit feeling so guilty for travel on my time off work? Am I responsible for not doing activities that activate my parent's anxiety? Kids aren't supposed to do activities without their parents permission. Part of my brain might feel like I am kid-like while everybody else who is chronologically an adult is adult-like.

Posted by
8163 posts

Ask your primary care physician or HR department (some employers, (mine does) have counseling services) for a referral to talk to a professional about this towards resolving it since you love to travel. (I am an academic librarian by the way).

This internet forum is not the place to resolve this if you really want to.

Posted by
1924 posts

How can I justify spending money on a trip when I could buy more stocks or funds? Am I traveling too frequently? How do I give myself permission to travel or quit feeling so guilty for travel on my time off work? Am I responsible for not doing activities that activate my parent's anxiety? Kids aren't supposed to do activities without their parents permission. Part of my brain might feel like I am kid-like while everybody else who is chronologically an adult is adult-like.

I am not sure these are questions whose answers should come from strangers on a travel forum. If you need help resolving these issues, I agree with Jazz+Travels. You should seek counseling.

Posted by
336 posts

Life is too short! If there is anything I’ve learned in the past two years of this pandemic, is that you have to do what you love. You can’t live for someone else.

I spend money on travel because it’s what I love. I’ve seen far too many people say they will do it when they retire and they they die soon after retiring having never travelled.

When I was is Costa Rica this spring, so many people messaged me saying how happy I looked and that I was in my happy place. It made me truly realize how much I missed travelling.

Anyway, just my two cents.

Posted by
23626 posts

Mike, your are the librarian from Detroit if I remember accurately from you other similar postings. You probably need a good councilor rather than a travel agent. None of us are qualified to answer your questions. First thing, don't tell your mother. With cell phone technology you can stay in touch without disclosing your location. Do what you think is appropriate. I, personally, find no need for outside verification. You appear to have a great deal of need for outside confirmation that you are doing the "right thing." That is a pretty deep seated emotion that would benefit from some assistance. When it comes to travel, spending, saving money these is no right or wrong way as long as you stay on the legal side.

Once had a brother that was often critical of our travel plans. My comment was, "It is what we choose to do." He loved cars and always drove high-end new cars. I think cars are a black hole for expenses and have little use for cars other than the ability to get from point A to B. The longest we kept a car was 18 years. He probably spent more on cars than we did on travel. But it make no difference to me. And sometimes friends indirectly challenge what we are doing but still we go. It fine. You do not have to approve of my travel plans.

So take some deep breath and fine someone well qualified to discuss your concerns. Not this board.

Posted by
5429 posts

I believe the Detroit Mental Health Authority has an online access portal that can help you find the counselling you need.

Posted by
168 posts

I feel for you Michael and relate to this post as a traveler, a parent, and a librarian! I sent you a private message.

Posted by
7054 posts

Mike, I thought you went to Los Angeles last December, no? In any case, you got good advice for that trip so hopefully you can use it for a future one.

I wholeheartedly agree that this forum has its limits. Your concerns are so entrenched, deep, and seemingly intractactable, that professional help/ therapy would serve you better than well-meaning folks here. Your Mom will not change (there has been no evidence of any change in your many posts), so you have to figure out how to manage your anxiety and feelings of guilt on your own. There are good resources out there - but you have to take advantage of them. If this forum could have helped, then these posts would have softened and the mixed-up feelings would have started withering - but they haven't despite all the comments, enthusiasm, and encouragement from others. I'm really sorry you're in this horrible "place" - nothing is static, though, and you can change it (although I'm sure it will be hard as these kind of issues tend to be). But I hope you don't resort to lies or white lies - all they will do is reinforce some feeling of doing "something wrong" and will inevitably bring about more guilt and shame (children do it, but adults really shouldn't feel the need to). Living honestly is probably not a bad cliche. Good luck to you.

Posted by
11872 posts

That leaves 7 paid vacation days left. I could get permission to take 3 extra unpaid days off. If I did that I would just lie and tell my parents that all my vacation days are paid time off

Having difficulty grasping why the subject would even come up, but if it does, a lie is not the solution.

As others have said, you ( and your mother) need mental health counseling.

This is NOT the place to get that.

Posted by
7799 posts

Since you posted these questions that sound similar to your ones in the past, I think you are open & searching for answers. That is a positive trait. Please consider the advice others are giving you. You still have many years of life & travel ahead of you.

Posted by
4602 posts

You need to listen to the part of your brain that says feeling guilty about travel is ridiculous. That is the rational part of your brain. With regards to money, yes, show reasonable prudence but none of us is guaranteed tomorrow or the good health in the future that we need to be able to travel. Also, if you don't have any siblings, a time may come when you can't travel because of issues with your parents' health. Carpe diem!

Posted by
796 posts

I think there's a certain point where parents should not be privy to their stable children's financial details and their stable adult children should not feel any responsibility to disclose those details. You have the right to allocate your income as you see fit. You have no real dependents which would be the sole limiting factor in my view.

My partner and I both have the same need to create travel memories and to travel as much as we can while we are able. We both know that our measurement of accomplishment at the end of our lives will not be how much money we have accumulated or even whether our carpet is new. We have no children to receive our estate. I don't care to fund our nephew or niece's existences as they have hardly maintained any interest in our lives. We intend to divest as much of it as possible in travel while still allowing enough investment to fund our necessities and to make large donations to LGBT civil rights organizations.

You need to ask yourself whether your parent's approval will really give you happiness as you get older. I'm sure most people will say that only your own approval of your choices will bring you satisfaction. Hopefully you can gain some sense of self-validation.

Posted by
2449 posts

All.advice is correct but I also want to add that you are still young and should travel when you are still able financially and healthy. You need to work on the family issues so you can continue with a good stress.free life. Best of luck to you!

Posted by
8876 posts

You already have the good advice to connect with a counselor. I just wanted to add my support and encouragement to the mix.

Finances: There is an important “sweet spot” where you balance making sure you are enjoying now while making sure you can enjoy later. Perhaps speak to a financial advisor about your personal goals and develop a plan.

Posted by
8963 posts

Mike, you've successfully traveled to several places in Europe on your own under similar conditions. What you're proposing should be a piece of cake for a world traveler like you. Everyone else's problems are not your problems unless you let them be.

Posted by
8963 posts

Mike, you've successfully traveled to several places in Europe on your own under similar conditions. What you're proposing should be a piece of cake for a world traveler like you. You have to do it now while you're still young and single. It will be too late if you wait for their permission. Everyone else's problems are not your problems unless you let them be.

Posted by
6113 posts

You aren’t a kid, you are an adult, so you don’t need your parents permission to do anything. This is at least your third post on the same topic. This a forum for people who travel, so this is what you will be encouraged to do, but you do need to get your internal issues resolved first.

Posted by
7146 posts

Guilt for traveling was never an issue. That was one good thing about my former job. When I walked out the door I had no choice but to leave work behind; no texts, pagers, phone calls etc. I realized years ago I was just another cog in the gear. If I was gone somebody else was there to take my place. When I retired from the military decades ago I felt sorry for those people who thought their project was so important it had to completed it before leaving. Looking at it from another angle, how guilty would your company feel if it wasn’t doing well and had to downsize you. You’re just another number. Enjoy your time off.

Just my opinion, but it would be nice if you could resolve forever the codependency issue with your mother. She shows up in most of your posts. Whatever is going on there seems to play too significant a role in what you do. I am glad you still travel.

Posted by
82 posts

Today I was watching a show with my daughter on apple tv called Stillwater. In it a panda gives advice to three neighbor children. In the episode the sister of the group is feeling guilty about wanting to go to her friend's halloween party instead of going trick or treating with her brothers. The panda reminds her that, in addition to her brother's feelings, her own feelings are important too.

Posted by
369 posts

As I read through everyone’s responses to Mike, I’m reminded how kind this “community” can be.

Posted by
2141 posts

Your mom is not going to change her behaviors. You need to talk with a qualified therapist to help you deal with your overbearing mother. I’m sure she means well but you need to learn how to deal with her and your guilty feelings will go away.
Go to Mexico or LA.

Posted by
7300 posts

If I remember correctly, you successfully travelled overseas for 2 weeks not so long ago.
Los Angeles is in the same country and Mexico is roughly the same time zone depending on where you live. Both are far less adventurous than a trip to Europe, in my opinion. Of course, it will not bring any sort of reassurance to your mother...but I certainly hope that it brings reassurance to you, which is what really matters.
Also, you will find Mexico, even Mexico City, to be far cheaper than US cities.

As for the questions you ask yourself at the end of your post: as many others have said, we are not equipped to answer those, but there are professionals who can help you (and your mother does not need to know 😉).

Last, but not least: you do not have to travel if the stress of it exceeds the pleasure you take from it. Many people are "homebodies": it does not matter!

Posted by
4602 posts

This will sound harsh and may not be good advice since I don't have any idea how often you talk to your mother. If you talk to her a lot, you may want to slowly increase the time between conversations. She must accept the fact that you are an adult with an existence separate from hers, who is competent to make his own decisions without her input. She appears to have difficulty with those concepts and you need to reduce your exposure to HER issues by putting some distance between you. I suspect that you may still live in the same town, which exacerbates the problem.

EDITED: Please do not take this as flippant or dismissive of your and her difficult situation. If her circumstances permit and she's not dead set against it, you might want to consider getting her a dog. It would give her someone else to focus her attention on, and the dog would never grow up and leave home.

Posted by
1036 posts

Thanks for your input.

I went to:
the Netherlands and parts of northern Belgium in July 2019

Washington D.C. in December 2019

Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore in northern Michigan for 2 nights, in May 2021 (my mother was horrified. Her top worry was COVID. In the past she just felt like traveling alone was dangerous)

Florida in December 2021 (My mother was half as mortified as when I went to northern Michigan. Her top worry was COVID.)

Spain in March 2022, for 13 nights on the ground, one night in the plane on the way there (My mother and my aunt her sister, were horrified. They really pleaded with me to cancel my trip. Their top reason I shouldn't travel switched from COVID to the war in Ukraine. I felt so bad about myself, part of my brain was almost convinced that I shouldn't take the trip. My dad merely couldn't see why a week wasn't enough. My trip worked ok. I caught a sickness that caused severe symptoms in my digestive tract for almost a day and mild symptoms on the next day. I took care of my self ok in my hotel but in theory I could have needed a hospital or worse. My aunt called me before my trip and tried to talk me out of traveling. She said, in a put-out, dejected way, "You are probably right. Your trip will probably be fine. I was born just after World War II. That's my perspective")

I already have plane tickets to Los Angeles. Mexico city is another trip. It is just speculation so far.

I never got over my childhood phobia of touching animals and getting close to animals, like dogs and cats.

When I plan a trip, I feel anxious because I feel like I am sneaking around behind my mom's back, planning something I don't have permission to do, like part of my brain never learned to feel like it is ok to go far from home without my mom's permission. My anxiety irrationally disappears when I start getting far from home. My family irrationally calms down and quits trying to talk me out of traveling, just before I leave home, if i have told them about my trip before the last minute. In Spain more than in past travel, I had a low level of irrational feeling That i was doing something wrong for being there. I sublimated it well. My trip worked out ok.

I logically know that I am chronologically an adult. I usually try to spend as little money as possibly but every so often I irrationally allow myself to take a trip. I know I always do thorough research and planning before taking a major trip.

I live a 30 minute drive away from my parents, if traffic conditions are good.

Posted by
2547 posts

Mike, don’t tell any of them that you are traveling until the night before. It’s truly a shame that your family is robbing you of the pleasure of traveling and making your life miserable to the point of pinching every penny and inducing guilt. This is their problem and not yours. Don’t let them steal your joy because of their fears. They are very controlling and sadly you may never feel free until they are gone. Life is too short. Have some fun.

Posted by
11569 posts

You need to stop paying attention to your mother’s ( plus father and aunt) controlling comments. They are using emotional and selfish behaviors to control you and your life! You are a grown man, free to live your own life as you please!

Posted by
3070 posts

Mike, I'm glad you come to the forum for support. Unfortunately, your posts are less about the fun you plan to have traveling and more about the guilt trip your family imposes on you for doing what you want and are interested in. I've seen your posts where you help other travelers with your ideas and experiences. You have a lot to offer.

You're not going to like what I say because I concur with others. You need to seek counselling to find your own way in life. You have to break away from your controlling mother. As an adult you can do anything you want (within the law) without Mommy's, Daddy's and Auntie's permission. You're working your way there by traveling, but you need to live without the guilt and anxiety they creates in your life.

I live a 30 minute drive away from my parents, if traffic conditions are good.

I suggest you move 300 or, better yet, 3000 minutes away from your toxic family. Then set the ground rules to let them know you will visit on your terms without the drama. I'm sure there are librarian jobs elsewhere in the country that can benefit from you experience.

Posted by
4071 posts

This is a travel site. Find a counselor to manage the false guilt of which you’ve written extensively in the OP.

Posted by
2156 posts

Mike, I agree with the advice the posters above have given you, including moving to another geographic location (if it comes to that). The self-inflicted guilt you allow yourself to live with is not healthy. Your mom can only cause guilt, if YOU allow that to happen. Please get some professional assistance with all this...you owe that to yourself..otherwise the "ghost of your mom" even after her death may haunt you until eternity.

Godspeed to you. Life is short...create circumstances under which you can enjoy it!!!

Posted by
16269 posts

If I remember correctly, you are a librarian (or were one.) So, you must like books. I would like to suggest two books that might help if going the counselor route seems overwhelming:

"If You Had Controlling Parents" by Dan Neuharth

"Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward

Posted by
2607 posts

I second the book recommendation for Toxic Parents, its very useful.

Also look up Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward.